December 9: Abandonment Issues, Last Day, Coworker

Today is my friend/coworker's last day of working with me.  On Monday, she moves to her new department full-time, and I am, once again, the sole business office person at the surgery center.  That means I register all the patients, assemble all the charts, charge all the accounts, type up all the surgical estimates, answer all the e-mails and phone calls, take all the surgical schedulings, send everything to the medical records department, check everything back from the medical records department, and clean the business office from top-to-bottom once a week.  All with a smile.  I'm sure I've forgotten a few tasks, but that gives you a pretty good idea of my days.  Oh, plus I have teaching at the university (which I actually love doing, but it's not enough to pay all my bills or provide medical insurance for my family).

I don't hold it against my coworker that she's leaving.  She needs to.  She has to pay her bills and provide for her family.  She didn't have a choice, and my rational mind understands that.

However, there's a part of me (a really ugly, snotty, tubercular part) that is feeling panicked and abandoned.  I've been fighting these abandonment issues for a few years now.  I know it goes back to the time my wife chose her addictions over me and our family.  When that happened, I was in a pretty dark place for a very long time (almost a year-and-a-half).  Not feeling worthy or loved in any way.  I can feel those same emotions sitting in my head this morning.  I don't want to feel this way, but I do.  It cuts pretty close to the bone for me.

Now, I can hear a ton of you saying, "Oh, for Christ sake, get over it."  I've said the same thing to myself a million times.  However, it's just not that easy.  Even though I know my wife's choice five years ago had nothing to do with me, I still felt somehow responsible, as if I could have done something to prevent her from leaving at the time.  My friend/coworker leaving today has nothing to do with me, and, yet, I still take it personally.

Abandonment is not an easy thing to overcome, no matter what age you are.  I don't think I'm going to be able to say goodbye to my friend when I leave work this afternoon.  I'm probably going to have to say "see you on Monday," just to stay in a better place for a while longer.

Parting is never easy.  Saying goodbye sucks.

Once again, Saint Marty is just a mess.