July 27: Another Full Piece, Film Series, Pizza

Santiago eats some fish . . . 

Chew it well, he thought, and get all the juices. It would not be bad to eat with a little lime or with lemon or with salt.

"How do you feel, hand?" he asked the cramped hand that was almost as stiff as rigor mortis. "I'll eat some more for you."

He ate the other part of the piece that he had cut in two. He chewed it carefully and then spat out the skin.

"How does it go, hand? Or is it too early to know?"

He took another full piece and chewed it.

I'm not sure Santiago is really enjoying the bonito he's eating, but he knows that, if he wants to survive, he must eat.  To keep up his strength.  Stay hydrated.  Remain alert.

That's what I did today, too.

It was another busy day at the office.  I spent most of it working on film series for the library.  An international film series and a documentary film series.  That may sound like an easy task.  It wasn't.  First, I had to make sure we had all of our film licenses up-to-date.  Then I had to investigate film distributors.  Once I had the names of the movie companies that distributed the chosen films, I had to scan through a 54-page list of distributors covered under the library's umbrella licenses.  

All of that took me most of the morning.  

Then, I had to design a poster, which took me another hour or so.

When I was done with the international film series, I started all over with the documentary film series.  That one went a little quicker, but the poster took me another hour to put together.  

This work is creative and fun in a lot of ways.  So different from teaching or working in the healthcare industry.  And I like to think that I'm pretty good at it.  It's so in line with my passions and interests.

I also recorded a podcast episode with a friend/coworker from the library.  Actually, she is now a former coworker.  She's moving away to attend graduate school in Indiana.  Pretty much since I started my job at the library, she's been a really good friend.  We see eye-to-eye on almost everything, from witches to women's reproductive rights.  It was good to sit down with her one last time and talk books.  

This evening, I had pizza with another good friend who plans programming at the Upper Peninsula Children's Museum.  I love being around this man.  So does my wife and son.  My friend and his wife have become part of our family.  They even attended my son's eighth grade graduation.  

And I ate a few slices of pizza.  To keep up my strength and blood sugar.  I drank some pale ale to stay hydrated.  (No comments, please.  I know that alcohol does not really hydrate.)  I tried to stay alert.

That's Saint Marty's laundry list of blessings today.  Friends and movies and pizza.

December 9: Abandonment Issues, Last Day, Coworker

Today is my friend/coworker's last day of working with me.  On Monday, she moves to her new department full-time, and I am, once again, the sole business office person at the surgery center.  That means I register all the patients, assemble all the charts, charge all the accounts, type up all the surgical estimates, answer all the e-mails and phone calls, take all the surgical schedulings, send everything to the medical records department, check everything back from the medical records department, and clean the business office from top-to-bottom once a week.  All with a smile.  I'm sure I've forgotten a few tasks, but that gives you a pretty good idea of my days.  Oh, plus I have teaching at the university (which I actually love doing, but it's not enough to pay all my bills or provide medical insurance for my family).

I don't hold it against my coworker that she's leaving.  She needs to.  She has to pay her bills and provide for her family.  She didn't have a choice, and my rational mind understands that.

However, there's a part of me (a really ugly, snotty, tubercular part) that is feeling panicked and abandoned.  I've been fighting these abandonment issues for a few years now.  I know it goes back to the time my wife chose her addictions over me and our family.  When that happened, I was in a pretty dark place for a very long time (almost a year-and-a-half).  Not feeling worthy or loved in any way.  I can feel those same emotions sitting in my head this morning.  I don't want to feel this way, but I do.  It cuts pretty close to the bone for me.

Now, I can hear a ton of you saying, "Oh, for Christ sake, get over it."  I've said the same thing to myself a million times.  However, it's just not that easy.  Even though I know my wife's choice five years ago had nothing to do with me, I still felt somehow responsible, as if I could have done something to prevent her from leaving at the time.  My friend/coworker leaving today has nothing to do with me, and, yet, I still take it personally.

Abandonment is not an easy thing to overcome, no matter what age you are.  I don't think I'm going to be able to say goodbye to my friend when I leave work this afternoon.  I'm probably going to have to say "see you on Monday," just to stay in a better place for a while longer.

Parting is never easy.  Saying goodbye sucks.

Once again, Saint Marty is just a mess.