Wednesday, July 3, 2013

July 3: Stupid Thing, Psychoanalyzed, Magical Thinking, Prayer of the Week


…God, he was a nice kid, though.  He used to laugh so hard at something he thought of at the dinner table that he just about fell off his chair.  I was only thirteen, and they were going to have me psychoanalyzed and all, because I broke all the windows in the garage.  I don’t blame them.  I really don’t.  I slept in the garage the night he died, and I broke all the goddam windows with my fist, just for the hell of it.  I even tried to break all the windows on the station wagon we had that summer, but my hand was already broken and everything by that time, and I couldn’t do it.  It was a very stupid thing to do, I’ll admit, but I hardly didn’t even know I was doing it, and you didn’t know Allie.  My hand still hurts me once in a while, when it rains and all, and I can’t make a real fist any more—not a tight one, I mean—but outside of that I don’t care much.  I mean I’m not going to be a goddam surgeon or a violinist or anything anyway.

Holden is carrying around a lot of unresolved emotions over the death of his younger brother, Allie.  Holden is angry, depressed, guilty.  Yes, guilty.  I think he’s dealing with a little bit of survivor’s guilt.  It sounds like everyone loved Allie, and Holden seems to have been a “problem child” his whole life.  A smart ass.  Trouble in school.  Smokes too much.  Drinks too much.  Yet, Holden is alive, and Allie—the “nice kid”—is dead.  Maybe Holden believes God made the wrong choice.

Of course, that kind of thought process would be considered a version of magical thinking.  It’s about as useful as Holden believing that if he got all A’s, joined the football team, and dated Jane Gallagher, Allie would have survived.  There is no correlation between those events.

I, myself, frequently engage in magical thinking.  I say the same prayers every morning, read the same devotions, because, if I don’t, I might cause someone’s illness to worsen.  Or I might lose a writing contest I entered.  Even worse, if I do something that I know is wrong (use your imagination here), then God may punish me in some way.  For example, my hours might get cut at work.  Yes, I walk around believing that, when something really bad happens in my life, I’ve somehow brought it on myself.  That’s magical thinking at its worst.  It makes me feel like crap.

Yesterday, for some reason, I got it in my head that it was Worry Wednesday.  Hence, yesterday’s first blog post about being a conflicted character.  Since I’ve already focused on my worries this week, today I’m going to pray.  I sometimes engage in a little magical prayer thinking, as well.  I convince myself that I have to say a certain prayer in a certain way in order to obtain whatever my prayer intention is.  Of course, that’s treating prayer like the Avada Kedavra curse from the Harry Potter books.  It’s magical.  I know this, and yet I continue to do it.

I’ll try not to be too magical today.

Dear Dumbledore…Just kidding!

Dear God,

Yes, it’s me again.  Sorry I didn’t write yesterday, but I got a little off with my calendar.  Please don’t hold it against me.

Which sort of brings me to the subject of my prayer today.  Things haven’t been going that great for me this summer with money and work.  You know that.  Hours have been cut.  Paychecks have shrunk.  I had a little freak-out last night over a phone bill.  I think I said something like, “I am so friggin’ tired of going from disconnection notice to disconnection notice!”  I’m better today, but I’m starting to believe I’ve done something wrong, that I’m somehow being divinely spanked.

I know You don’t work that way.  However, I just wanted to say I’m sorry for getting angry last night.  I’m sorry for everything I said or did last night that disappointed You.  I’m not proud of myself at all.  There’s this whole thing about trust that I’m struggling with at the moment.  So, I also wanted to ask You for some courage during these difficult summer months.  Give me a little faith.  Let me know things are going to turn out alright.

I’ll try not to disappoint You anymore.  It’s a battle every day.  I get angry and scared and discouraged on an hourly basis, it seems.  I’ll try to cultivate joy and strength and hope instead.

I promise.

Your loving child,

Saint Marty

I choose not enter,,,No punishment for me, thanks.

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