September 13: Waiting for Godot

I just looked at the balances in my checking and savings accounts.  It wasn't a pretty sight.  In fact, I was gripped by panic for a few seconds.  I just got paid by the university, and I know all of the money is already gone.  In fact, all the money plus a little bit more is already gone.  I'm feeling quite anxious and depressed about the whole thing.  My life has become some weird, absurdist drama.

The two characters is Samuel Beckett's absurdist play Waiting for Godot are simply waiting for someone to show up.  The entire drama is these two guys, talking and waiting for this other guy named Godot to appear.  Vladmir and Estragon (the two guys) are trapped in this eternal state of anticipation.  It's a play that has always caused me more than a little distress.  In fact, it has caused me a great deal of distress.

Over the last year, I have gone from having a nice cushion in my bank account to living paycheck to paycheck.  I have no backup plan, and when unexpected expenses occur, I have no reserve to draw from.  I'm living in a constant state of expectation.  I always expect bad news in the mail.  I don't like checking my e-mail, because there's going to be some other financial obligation waiting my attention.  I'm Vladmir or Estragon, knowing that some horrible Godot is headed my way.

I've spoken about having to trust God in moments like this.  I know I will be fine.  I will survive this shortage of funds.  I've been in this position before, and I will, undoubtedly, be in it again in the future.  That doesn't make this Godot place any more comfortable.  It's always cold and bleak and frightening.  Plus, my son's birthday is coming up in about a week.  More money is needed.

I wish I could relax more.  Maybe I could if I had stronger faith.  Faith would allow me to know that God is going to take care of me.  (Not Godot.  God.)  That should provide me with a little peace of mind, but it doesn't.  However, I just saw the totals in my accounts.  Give me a few minutes to catch my breath.

Saint Marty's waiting for Godot to give him some pocket change.  Brother, can you spare a dime?

I wish Godot would just show the hell up!