September 27: Glorious, Glorious, Glorious Saint Marty's Day

Running to the windows, he opened it, and put out his head.  No fog, no mist; clear, bright, jovial, stirring, cold; cold, piping for the blood to dance to; golden sunlight; heavenly sky; sweet fresh air; merry bells.  Oh, glorious.  Glorious!

Scrooge has reached the end (or beginning) of his Christmas journey in this paragraph, and he is beside himself with joy.  He doesn't know what to do or how to celebrate.  We're all familiar with the scene:  Scrooge rushing around in his nightshirt, flagging down young boys in the street, buying turkeys the size of cows, wandering the streets of London, wishing everyone a "Merry Christmas."  It's the big payoff of the entire book.

Not many people know it, but Charles Dickens wrote a sequel to A Christmas Carol.  The novel, titled A Saint Marty's Day Carol, focuses on a grown-up Tiny Tim, who, much like a young Scrooge, has turned into a stingy, mean, greedy man.  His business, Tiny Tim's Crutches-R-Us, rents crutches and wheelchairs at jacked-up rates to poor families without health insurance.  Tim still celebrates Christmas with the Cratchit family, but he has turned his back on Saint Marty's Day.  He thinks it's a made-up holiday of shameless self-promotion.  Well, the Ghost of Ebenezer Scrooge shows up at Tim's house on Saint Marty's Day Eve to try to bring about Tim's change of heart.

Yes, the Ghosts of Saint Marty's Day Past, Present, and Future pay visits to Tiny Tim.  They drag him around London to Saint Marty's Day parties and celebrations.  They make him dance Saint Marty's Day polkas and tap dance numbers.  They show him how empty and meaningless his life will be without Saint Marty's Day.  The climax of the entire book is when Scrooge's nephew, Fred, appears, dressed as Saint Marty, and beats Tiny Tim over the head with a copy of Saint Marty's annual gift list, screaming, "You cheap, worthless human being!  Uncle Scrooge should have let you die as a child!"

Tiny Tim returns from his walk with the Spirits a new man.  He runs around, buying presents for Saint Marty, baking Saint Marty chocolate chip cookies, and preparing Saint Marty's Day feasts of chicken Alfredo pizza and Snickers cheesecake and Wisconsin cheese soup.  Tiny Tim becomes the greatest, most out-spoken proponent of Saint Marty's Day.  He even founds the Saint Marty's Day Orphanage, forcing thousands of homeless, parentless waifs to beg on the streets of London to finance the city's annual Saint Marty's Day parade, which includes a 50-foot-tall, helium-filled balloon of Saint Marty.  Yes, Tiny Tim understands the significance of Saint Marty's Day.  And so did Charles Dickens.

This synopsis has been sponsored Saint Marty, who would like to remind you that there are only eight more shopping days until Saint Marty's Day.

This is NOT Saint Marty