August 16, 2026: “The Last Time,” Mortality, “Card Trick”

Most young people don’t think about death a whole lot.  They’re too busy worrying about popsicles and grades and crushes and friends.  I even see this attitude in my college students.  Their whole focus is the future, what they’re going to be when they grow up.  It’s my job somehow to prepare them for the “real world.”  The problem is that they think they’re going to live forever and have plenty of time to deal with all of life’s brokenness and need.  

Marie Howe receives a lesson in mortality . . . 

The Last Time

by: Marie Howe

The last time we had dinner together in a restaurant 

with white tablecloths, he leaned forward

and took my two hands in his and said,

I’m going to die soon.  I want you to know that.

And I said, I think I do know.

And he said What surprises me is that you don’t.

And I said I do.  And he said, What?

And I said, Know that you’re going to die.

And he said, No, I mean know that you are.

Only people facing impending death really get it.  Whether they’re ten or 75 years old, they understand how brief our time on this planet is, and they also understand how meaningless most of life’s distractions are.  Think about it.  When you’re breathing your last breath, are you going to give a shit whether you own a Lamborghini or a ‘75 Dodge Dart?  And, if you’re lucky enough to reach old age, will it matter if you live in a condo in Boca Raton or an assisted living facility?  Mortality has a way of boiling down life to its essentials:  are you loved?  are you happy?  are you at peace?

In the end, love and happiness and peace are what it’s all about.  A person can be loved by a dachshund in a secluded cabin, and a person can be loved by three generations of family living in a Brooklyn townhouse.  A person can be happy living in a Spanish villa with a billion-dollar bank account, and a person can also be happy living in a studio apartment while working a minimum-wage job.  Finally, a person can find peace watching a Lake Superior sunset, and a person can find peace at a Kendrick Lamar concert at Ford Field in Detroit.

Love.  Happiness.  Peace.  That’s all that really matters.

It’s Sunday night.  My puppy is sleeping on the floor next to me.  An episode of Portrait Artist of the Year is on the TV.  My wife made a delicious dinner of meatballs and gravy.  In a little while, I’m going to be leading a virtual poetry workshop from my home office.  This is definition of a perfect evening for me.  I feel blessed because I’m surrounded by love in a safe space.  And I’m sort of dreading leaving this safe space tomorrow morning to go to work, where love and happiness and peace are much more difficult (if not impossible) to find.

After last night’s post, I think most of you understand my anxiety about reentering the “real” world.  Most weekends, I try to curate an environment where love, happiness, and peace exist freely because the rest of my life is so chaotic and pressured.  I’ve especially embraced this cocoon of serenity this weekend, and the idea of breaking out of it tomorrow is . . . well . . . almost painful.

Many friends and family members have reached out to me with messages of love and support in the 24 hours since I posted yesterday.  That has lifted my spirits so much (and made me cry on a few occasions).  The reading in church today was about the Gentile woman begging Christ to cure her daughter of demonic possession.  Jesus says to the woman, “It isn’t right to take food from the children and throw it to the dogs.”  And the woman responds that even dogs eat the crumbs from their master’s table.  Jesus heals the woman’s daughter because “. . . your faith is great.”

I have faith that I’ll make it through this blue period because I’ve done it before.  Lots of people think the antonym of faith is doubt.  It isn’t.  It’s fear.  Now, I’m not that brave of a person.  I’m afraid of a lot of things.  Rodents.  Heights.  Bad poetry.  Green bean casserole.  The trick is not to let fear rule your life.

I will wake up tomorrow morning, get dressed, and go to work, despite my anxieties.  Or maybe because of my anxieties.  I don’t know.  If I just called in sick and curled up on the couch tomorrow, fear wins.  Anxiety wins.  Sadness wins.  Plus, I might never leave my house again.  So, to paraphrase the advice of a therapist friend, I’m going to fake it ‘til I make it.  

I will have love and happiness and peace in my life again.  Eventually.

Saint Marty wrote this poem today.  It’s about conquering fear . . . 

Card Trick

by: Martin Achatz

My dog doesn’t like lightning, scoots

into the dark bathroom at the first pang

and rumble of electricity in the sky.  There

she stays, curled tight as a fist on the bath mat

while the clouds are stitched with jagged

flame.  I don’t bother her as she cowers

in there, leave her to find some sense

of safety to uncoil the springs of her body.

Sometimes, though, I go and sit next

to her, put my hand on her heaving flanks,

leave it there until she relaxes, looks up at me

as if I’ve just shuffled the deck of her fur,

turned the lightning into the ace of hearts.

August 15, 2026: “How Some of It Happened,” Confession, “hebron”

In case you haven’t noticed, I haven’t been posting a lot this summer.  And I’ve made tons of excuses about WHY I haven’t been posting:  taking some “me” time, working hard at the library, focusing on my latest poetry manuscript, reading War and Peace.  You get the idea.  

Here’s my confession:  I haven’t experienced a whole lot of happiness this summer.  Yes, I am so proud of my son for graduating in May and for landing a job at the local children’s museum.  Yes, my daughter continues to amaze me with her drive and courage in her medical school program.  And my wife is the most loving, supportive partner, even when I’m not easy to be around.

Yet, in these long days of summer, I’ve been really struggling.

Marie Howe writes about her brother’s struggles . . . 

How Some of It Happened

by: Marie Howe

My brother was afraid, all his life, of going blind, so deeply

that he would turn the dinner knives away from, looking at him,

he said, as they lay on the kitchen table.

He would throw a sweatshirt over those knobs that lock the car door

from the inside, and once, he dismantled a chandelier in the middle

of the night when everyone was sleeping.

We found the pile of sharp and shining crystals in the upstairs hall.

So you understand, it was terrible

when they clamped his one eye open and put the needle in his cheek

and up and into his eye from underneath

and held it there for a full minute before they drew it slowly out

once a week for many weeks.  He learned to lean into it,

to settle down he said, and still the eye went dead, ulcerated,

breaking up green in his head as the other eye, still blue

and wide open, looked and looked at the clock.

My brother promised me he wouldn’t die after our father died.

He shook my hand on a train going home one Christmas and gave me

five years, as clearly as he promised he’d be home for breakfast when

I watched him walk into the New York City autumn night.  By nine, I promise,

and he did come back.  And five years later he gave me five years more.

So much for the brave pride of premonition, 

the worry that won’t let it happen.

You know, he said, I always knew I would die young.

And then I got sober, and I thought, OK, I’m not.

I’m going to see thirty and live to be an old man.  And now

it turns out that I am going to die.  Isn’t that funny?

—One day it happens:  what you have feared all your life,

the unendurable specific, the exact thing.  No matter what you say or do.

This is what my brother said:  Here, sit closer to the bed

so I can see you.

Howe’s brother experiences what he feared the most:  blindness.  Yet, he learns to lean into it, settle down.  It seems that the certainty of his impending death removes his childhood terror of living in darkness.  One struggle replaces the other, and her brother finds a kind of peace, even as he still tries to shield Howe from pain.  The last two lines of the poem absolutely gut me—the brother’s small act of need and comfort:  “. . .  sit closer to the bed / so I can see you.”  Be near me, he’s saying, and I love you.

My struggles pale in comparison to the subject matter of Howe’s poem.  In fact, I’m almost embarrassed to write about my mental health struggles.  Yet, here I sit in metaphorical darkness, asking you, kind reader, to be near me.

That’s been the hardest part of these last couple months—the loneliness.  When you’re sitting on your living room couch in the middle of the night, crying for no tangible reason, you start feeling like you’re stranded on some alien planet with no way to get home.  (So, either I’m E.T. the extraterrestrial trying to phone home, or I’m Matt Damon in The Martian, trying to grow potatoes to survive until the rescue team shows up.)

I’ve been trying to pinpoint the cause of my current melancholia.  I am now the father of two adult children who no longer depend on me for sage advice or help with homework.  I realized this week that I’ve already lived over half my life and have only 30 or 35 years left.  If I’m lucky.  (Like Howe’s brother, I’ve always thought I was going to die young.)  And, looking back on my life, I’m not sure how much of a difference I’ve made in this world.  I haven’t saved anyone from a burning building or donated a kidney.  As far as I know, my writing hasn’t altered the universe in any way, either.

In short, my life hasn’t really mattered all that much.  (Yes, as I typed those words, I started crying.  Again.)

This weekend, in particular, has been very difficult for many reasons.  The only moment I found a scrap of happiness came this afternoon when I finished a poem I’ve been trying to write for over a week.  I read it to my wife, and she smiled and nodded at me (after making me change one image—she is my best and harshest critic).  For a little while, I actually felt lighter, as if some weight had lifted off my shoulders.  I held onto that feeling for as long as I could before the darkness descended again.

That’s my confession.  This whole summer has been my penance.

Here’s the poem Saint Marty finished today . . . 

hebron

by: Martin Achatz

standing at the mouth of the cave as a tornado

screamed by, elijah thought it was god

blowing out birthday candles.  but it wasn’t.  then

the ground shook its fist, the mountain stomped

its feet, and elijah was sure it was god line dancing

with moses, but it wasn’t.  then a firestorm baked

everything to bricks and pottery, and elijah thought

it was god having a smoke after dinner, but it wasn’t.

then a mosquito flew into his ear, sang him 

a lullaby, and elijah thought it was his mother,

but it wasn’t.  it was god eating ripe blueberries

and humming “what a wonderful world”

before it had even been written.

August 8, 2026: “A Certain Light,” Bravery, “Hero Worship”

Right now, two of the most popular movies in the world are Christopher Nolan’s The Odyssey and Marvel’s Spider-Man: Brand New Day.  An ancient superhero and a modern superhero.  The human race has always looked for people to admire and venerate for acts of self-sacrifice and bravery.  (Now, in an era of unchecked greed, political chaos, artificial “intelligence,” and environmental crisis, heroes are an endangered species.)

Marie Howe writes about a her dying brother . . . 

A Certain Light

by: Marie Howe

He had taken the right pills the night before.

We had counted them out

from the egg carton where they were numbered so there’d be no mistake.

He had taken the morphine and the prednisone and the amitriptyline

and Florinef and Vancomycin and Haleion too quickly

and had thrown up in the bowl Joe had brought to the bed—a thin string

of blue spit—then waited a few minutes to calm himself, 

before he took them all again.  And had slept through the night

and the morning and was still sleeping at noon—or not sleeping.

He was breathing maybe twice a minute, and we couldn’t wake him,

we couldn’t wake him until we shook him hard calling, John wake up now

John wake up—Who is the president?

And he couldn’t answer.

His doctor told us we’d have to keep him up for hours.

He was all bones and skin, no tissue to absorb the medicine.

He couldn’t walk unless tow people held him.

And we made him talk about the movie:  What was the best moment in

On the Waterfront?  What was the music in Gone with the Wind?

And for seven hours he answered, if only to please us, mumbling

I like the morphine, sinking, rising, sleeping, rousing,

then only pain again—but wakened.

So wakened that late that night in one of those still blue moments

that were a kind of paradise, he finally opened his eyes wide,

and the room filled with a certain light we thought we’d never see again.

Look at you two, he said.  And we did.

And Joe said, Look at you.

And John said, How do I look?

And Joe said, Handsome.

What a gorgeous, heartbreaking moment of bravery.  Howe’s brother John is dying, yet, in one of his brief moments of lucidity, he attempts to comfort the two loves of his life as they process their loss.  In turn, John’s partner, Joe, in another moment of heartbreaking bravery, tries to comfort John, calling him “handsome” for (probably) the last time.  

Anyone who has held vigil at a dying loved one’s bedside has witnessed bravery.  Not the defeating-a-cyclops-or-the-Green-Goblin kind of bravery.  My sister, Sally, suffered greatly in her last months.  Near the end, the lymphoma stole her speech and motor functions, pressing against her brain, causing a major stroke.  She didn’t choose her fate.  Yet, she didn’t rage, rage against the dying of the light.  She fought as hard as she could for as long as she could, and then, when her frail body had no more fight left in it, she slipped away, surrounded by everyone who loved her.  Bravely.  Quietly.

There are heroes all around us.  Single mothers raising their kids on minimum wage salaries.  Doctors caring for pregnant women in defiance of draconian laws.  Trans people being their authentic selves each and every day.  Fathers teaching their sons to be gentle, loving people.  Teachers buying classroom supplies with their own money.  I could go on, but you get the idea.

You don’t need special powers to be a hero.  Just because you can’t fly doesn’t mean you also can’t raise a grieving person’s spirits.  Just because you don’t have superhuman strength doesn’t mean you also can’t lift a shade and fill a dark room with light.  Just because you don’t have x-ray vision doesn’t mean you also can’t look into a people’s eyes and see their pain.

You see, being a hero isn’t all that hard.  It’s just a matter of making the right choices.  Put down that cell phone and talk to your partner or kids at dinner.  Bring some groceries to a food pantry.  Shovel the sidewalk for an elderly neighbor.  Or, even easier, ask a friend, “How are you?” and really mean it; listen to them.  In short, be kind, attentive, and generous.  That’s all it takes.

My heroes today:  my son, working the second day at his new job; my daughter, living five hours away and working her ass off to become a doctor; and my wife, putting up with my shit (metaphorically and/or literally) every day of our marriage.

Saint Marty wrote a poem about heroes for tonight . . . 

Hero Worship

by: Martin Achatz

Loading my car for a trip to the laundromat,

I heard her before I saw her beating

her dark wings and white breast against

the narrow windows of the garage, gray

rectangles of sky calling her like the sirens

called Odysseus.  I’m no birder,  She could

have been a nuthatch or finch or junco.  

But in her frantic attempts to escape,

I found something heroic, as if she was

some poor nymph, transformed by Athena

to avoid Apollo’s lustful claws.  

I opened the garage door wide, flapped

an old towel in the air, tried herding her

toward open air.  She circled the rafters

once, twice, dove at my head, then,

as if her feathers suddenly felt the pull

of wind, swooped out of the garage

into the belly of clouds so fast even

Homer would have been left speechless.

August 6, 2026: “Just Now,” Quiet Evening, “The Best Day of My Life”

It’s been a quiet, lovely evening.  I didn’t go for a ten-mile hike.  Or eat prime rib for dinner.  Or see a cascade of meteors in the night sky.  Or read a long Russian novel in which a barefoot peasant throws herself in front of a train.  In short, nothing extraordinary happened.

Marie Howe writes about a quiet, lovely day . . . 

Just Now

by: Marie Howe

John opens his eyes when he hears the door click

open downstairs and Joe’s steps walking up past the meowing cat,

and the second click of the upstairs door, and then he lifts

his face so that Joe can kiss him.  Joe has brought armfuls

of broken magnolia branches in full blossom, and he putters

in the kitchen looking for a big jar to put them in and finds it.

And now they tower in the living room, white and sweet, where

John can see them if he leans out from his bed which

he can’t do just now, and now Joe is cleaning.  What a mess

you’ve left me, he says, and John is smiling, almost asleep again.

Such a tender, quiet poem, full of domestic perfection.  The love invested in these tiny moments Howe describes is undeniable and heartbreaking.  John is dying, and Joe, his partner, brings him magnolias to fill his life with beauty.  It would be perfect, if not for the looming phantom of mortality in the room.

But maybe it’s the specter of death that makes Howe’s poem so moving in its gentleness.  Some of the greatest, most profound moments of human connection I’ve ever experienced in my life have occurred at funerals and memorial services.  Everyone is just more vulnerable and open at such occasions.  People hug more, say “I love you” more.  Death reminds us all how tenuous and fragile life truly is.

That’s what I want to say tonight.  And I want to thank you, faithful disciple, for reading this post.  You are part of my perfect, quiet evening, and I wish you the same—perfection and quiet.

Saint Marty wrote a poem for tonight about a good day . . . 

The Best Day of My Life

by: Martin Achatz

Maybe it was today, and I just didn’t pay 

attention.  Maybe the mac and cheese I ate

for dinner was the best meal I will ever

eat, and that walk around the block

with my dog will be the best walk

of her life and, as she squatted 

on my neighbor’s lawn, she took

the best shit of her life.  Maybe

every breath I inhaled, every pulse

of my heart, every sip of cold water—

all the best.  And this poem.  Maybe

this poem I’m writing right now will be

the best poem I’ll ever write, and it will

be anthologized for years after I’m gone.

Maybe I should celebrate.  Maybe 

there’s a piece of the best leftover pizza

in my life still wrapped in aluminum foil,

sitting on the bottom shelf of the fridge

behind a truly great carton of skim milk.   

August 5, 2026: “For Three Days,” Miracles, “On the Roof”

It’s been a long day of meetings and work.  In fact, as soon as I’m done typing this post, I’m probably going to sleep.  I’ve had dinner.  My breakfast and lunch for tomorrow are packed and in the fridge.  I even took my puppy for a walk.    

Marie Howe writes about her brother . . .

For Three Days

by: Marie Howe

For three days now I’ve been trying to think of another word for gratitude

because my brother could have died and didn’t,

because for a week we stood in the intensive care unit trying not to imagine

how it would be then, afterwards.

My youngest brother, Andy, said:  This is so weird.  I don’t know if I’ll be

talking with John today or buying a pair of pants for his funeral.

And I hated him for saying it because it was true and seemed to tilt it,

because I had been writing his elegy in my head during the seven-hour drive

and trying not to.  Thinking meant not thinking.  It meant imagining

my brother surrounded by light—like Schrödinger’s Cat that would be dead

if you looked and might live if you didn’t.  And then it got better, and then

it got worse, and it’s story now:  He came back.

And I did, by that time, imagine him dead.  And I did begin to write the other

story:  how the crowd in the stifling church snapped to a tearful attention,

how my brother lived again, for a few minutes, through me.

And although I know I couldn’t help it, because fear has its own language

and its own story, because even grief provides a living remedy,

I can’t help but think of that woman who said to him whom she considered

her savior:  If thou hadst been there my brother had not died, how she might

have practiced her speech, and how she too might have stood trembling, 

unable to meet the eyes of the dear familiar figure stumbling from the cave

when the compassionate fist of God opened

and crushed her with gratitude and shame.

It’s a familiar story—Lazarus dying, Mary (his sister) getting pissed at Jesus, Jesus weeping, and Lazarus rising from the tomb.  Howe’s brother is Lazarus in the ICU, dying, and Howe is Mary, waiting for a miracle to arrive.  

Sometimes miracles are answers to desperate prayers--Please save the life of my brother.  Other times, miracles are smaller, not even recognized as miracles--I had nachos for dinner tonight that were so good they tasted like grace.  I've said it before, but it bears repeating:  human beings are surrounded by miracles all day, every day, but we are simply miracle-blind from years of indifference and distraction.

Let me a share one of these little miracles that happened for me tonight . . . 

About a week or so ago, my son applied for a job at the local Children's Museum.  He made a resumé, dressed up, put his hair in a ponytail, and went to the interview.  This evening, he told me that he got hired.  He starts his training on Friday.

I am so proud of my son.  First job interview results in his first job.  At the end of a long, long day, this news was just the miracle I needed to lift my spirits.

Plus, Saint Marty wrote a new poem (another little miracle) . . . 

On the Roof

Peter White Public Library

October 28, 2021

by: Martin Achatz

I imagine I'm standing inside

God's blue lung where gulls circle,

scream, and the waves swell & recede,

divine sighs full of fishy hope and

sadness.  Not many people have access

to this place so close to heaven.

Maybe that's why, on this morning

after I trapped my mother's last breath

in my hands, felt it slap my palms

like a panicked sparrow, I climb

these steps, open my fingers, watch

that breath rise and rise and rise away

from this eggshell world.

August 4, 2026: “The Dream,” Ten Million, “Thaw”

I never remember my dreams.  As soon as I wake up, whatever movie has been playing against my eyelids simply fades quickly, and I’m left with whatever vague emotion the interrupted dream evoked.  Sometimes terror or sadness.  Other times, joy or lust.  But there’s never any dream hook to hang this emotional hat on.

Marie Howe dreams about death . . . 

The Dream

by: Marie Howe

I had a dream in the day:

I laid my father’s body down in a narrow boat

and sent him off along the riverbank with its cattails and grasses.

And the boat—it was made of bark and wood bent when it was wet—

took him to his burial finally.

But a day or two later I realized it was my self I wanted

to lay down, hands crossed, eyes closed . . . 

Oh, the light coming up from down there,

the sweet smell of the water—and finally, the sense of being carried

by a current I could not name or change.

Funny.  Howe’s version of death isn’t all that terrifying.  In fact, it’s almost comforting with its sweet smell of water and rocking current.  This isn’t Emily Dickinson’s Death, stopping by in a horse-drawn buggy to take you for a joyride.  As I said, I never remember my dreams, so, if I’ve dreamed about death before, I have no recollection.

Of course, I’m afraid of dying.  Everyone is, or else they’re lying.  It’s the unknowable.  As a Christian, I suppose I shouldn’t say that, but I just don’t buy the whole wings and clouds and harps jazz.  Do I think there is life after dearth?  Yup.  I’m just not sure what that ghostly life entails, and I’m in no hurry to find out.  

Perhaps sleep is just practice for death, and dreams are sneak previews of what lies beyond this mortal coil.  I don’t know.  But I have dreams.  Real dreams.  A couple days ago, this little blog that I started over ten years ago just exceeded ten million page views.  In June alone, over one million people visited Saint Marty.  That blows me away.  Perhaps my little poetic musings make a difference in the world.  That seems like a dream to me.

And dreams sometimes do come true.

Here’s another little poetic musings from Saint Marty.

Thaw

by: Martin Achatz

I’ve always loved the word thaw,

which sounds a lot like raw,

and that seems appropriate, considering

those days of early March, sometimes April

or May, when the rime of white holding

Superior’s waves at bay begins to recede

the way my hairline receded in my 20s,

and soon the ice is chattering its teeth

on the sandy shores and beach grass.

We use the word thaw all the time,

when we’re cooking Thanksgiving turkeys

or Christmas hams, or when we find

a piece of frozen wedding cake in the freezer,

decide to eat it for dessert after 30 years

of marriage.  Just invoke the word, say it

three times when winter seems eternal.

Thaw . . . Thaw . . . Thaw . . .

Maybe Rumpelstiltskin will appear, promise

to spin the snow into golden summer.

July 31 2026: “The Girl,” Struggles, “Rafter”

Yes, I am still alive.  I have received some messages from friends and acquaintances who were worried about me because I have been a non-presence for most of this month.  My only answer to the question “Where have you been?” is simply that I needed a break.  So perhaps I should have titled this post “What I Did on My Summer Vacation.”

When I was a kid, the months of June, July, and August were my favorite.  No homework or studying.  A relaxation of strict bedtimes and curfews.  Just endless days and nights moving at the pace of a glacier.  As you get older, I think time has a way of speeding up.  When you’re born, you’re a ball balanced at the top of a hill.  With your first breath, you start rolling, slowly at first, imperceptibly.  As hours, days, weeks, months, and years go by, you pick up speed as the hill becomes steeper and steeper.  I’m so far away from the top of that hill now that it’s barely visible.  Like the top of Mount Everest seen from India.

Marie Howe writes about her childhood . . . 

The Girl

by: Marie Howe

So close to the end of my childbearing life

without children

—if I could remember a day when I was utterly a girl

and not yet a woman—

but I don’t think there was a day like that for me.

When I look at the girl I was, dripping in her bathing suit,

or riding her bike, pumping hard down the newly paved street,

she wears a furtive look—

and even if I could go back in time to her as me, the age I am now

she would never come into my arms

without believing that I wanted something.

Adulting kind of sucks at times.  When you’re childing, you don’t (or shouldn’t) have things like car payments or mortgages or addictions or grief weighing you down.  Perhaps that’s why summer vacations seemed to last for eons when I was a boy—time just stops when your only worry is whether the ice cream truck will come by.  Like Howe, I don’t think my younger self would want anything to do with my older self.  I’ve become the grumpy guy who doesn’t want people walking on his lawn.

The biggish adult thing I’ve been struggling with in the last month or so is sadness.  My sister Sally’s birthday was July 17.  She died on August 19.  Since her passing, during this timeframe every year, I always feel heavy.  Some years, the heaviness descends, and I don’t even realize why I’m feeling low.  Like my body and unconscious mind are aware of it before the rest of me catches up.

I finally realized about four or five days ago that I’m in the midst of this heaviness.  Then everything made sense to me.  As a kid, I didn’t experience a whole lot of real loss.  Some older relatives, sure, but grief stayed away from my immediate family until around 2014, when my brother died.  For a clan as big as mine (nine siblings in total, including myself), we were lucky, I think.  Statistically, we should have experienced  death a lot sooner than that.

But death has been with me for a long time.  I was a strange kid.  From a very young age (like 12 or 13), I’ve had my funeral planned out, from the songs to the eulogies.  I’ve kept that practice up, updating the plans over time.  Maybe that’s why I became a poet?  Just sayin’.

This morning, I’ve been dealing with another adulting thing—a plugged sewer.  I have a couple guys here who are currently cabling the sewer line.  I think they’ve got it unplugged, but now I’m waiting to see how much it’s going to cost me.  That’s the kind of shit (literally) old people deal with all the time, and that’s why I’m going to reiterate:  adulting kind of sucks.  

As a kid, I never had to worry about plugged drains or busted toilets or brake jobs on cars.  In summer, I just threw on shorts, wolfed down breakfast, and headed out the door until sunset.  So much simpler and easier.  I let my mom and dad take care of business while I got into stupid, adolescent mischief.  I never realized how good I had it.

Nowadays, when I open my phone, I run across obituaries of high school classmates on my Facebook feed.  This happened one morning a few days ago.  I found out that a really good guy with whom I graduated passed away after a short cancer battle.  I just sat there, looking at his picture on my phone screen.  It was a moment of adulting colliding with childing.  Remembering us as teenagers, only worried about how to score some beer or weed, versus us as adults, constantly worried about discolored moles and weird abdominal pains.  

That’s what I’ve been dealing with this last month.  Lots existential angst.

Earlier this week, dropping my wife off at work, I encountered a brood of wild turkeys on the side of the road.  I pulled over and watched them for a little while.  A friend once told me that turkeys represent coming abundance and wealth.

Saint Marty would settle for peace of mind and an ice cream sandwich.

Rafter

by: Martin Achatz

What does a flock of turkeys in the wood

portend?  Some say the toms and hens foretell—

all plump and regal, each a plumed god—

a coming fortune, gold and pearls to quell

the hungry tongues of want and jealousy.

You press your starved lips to maple trunk

to slurp its sugared blood so greedily

your belly swells with sweet thanksgiving, drunk

enough to swing a psalm or write a poem

to waddles, claws, and snoods, to oracles

of seed and grub and acorn.  Ancient Rome

had Juno’s peacocks, Neptune’s salt-soaked gulls.

I have a gobbler host in this wild space,

to peck and scratch and preen in feathered grace.

July 21, 2026: “The Game,” Easily Distracted, “Someplace Happy”

Yes, it has been a hot minute since my last post.  I could flood you with excuses, talk about how busy life has been, list everything’s that’s happened.  Independence Day.  Heat waves.  Toxic wildfire smoke.  Performing in Calumet.  Two Republican senators meeting their ends.  (Sorry, Mitch isn’t sucking down margaritas at a cushy rehab facility.)  War crimes against Iran.  Billionaires getting richer.  Teaching my summer class for the university.  The pigeon lady from Home Alone 2 dying.  

I’m easily distracted these days.  I have good intentions to write blog posts, new poems, a novella.  Make a dent in the stack of books I want to read.  Finish art projects.  Grade student papers.  Edit my new poetry manuscript.  So many plans, so little time.  

Marie Howe writes about childhood games . . .

The Game

by: Marie Howe

And on certain nights,

maybe once or twice a year,

I’d carry the baby down

and all the kids would come

all nine of us together,

and we’d build a town in the basement

from boxes and blankets and overturned chairs.

And some lived under the pool table

or in the bathroom or the boiler room

or in the toy cupboard under the stairs,

and you could be a man or a woman 

a husband or a wife or a child, and we bustled around

like a day in the village until

one of us turned off the lights, switch

by switch, and slowly it became night

and the people slept.

Our parents were upstairs with company or

not fighting, and one of us—it was usually

a boy—became the Town Crier,

and he walked around our little sleeping

population and tolled the hours with his voice,

and this was the game.

Nine o’clock and all is well, he’d say,

walking like a constable we must have seen

in a movie.  And what we called an hour passed.

Ten o’clock and all is well.

And maybe somebody stirred in her sleep

or a grown up baby cried and was comforted.

Eleven o’clock and all is well.

Twelve o’clock.  One o’clock.  Two o’clock . . . 

and it went on like that through the night we made up

until we could pretend it was morning.

This poem has so much truth in it.  As kids, we dream of growing up—all those freedoms of adulthood.  As adults, we dream of times gone by—childhoods filled with water balloon fights and school crushes and eternal summer vacations.  The grass is always greener in someone else’s backyard.  Younger people don’t get this until they become older people.  (How many times have I heard young people in my life, after working their first full-time job, saying to me after a couple of weeks, “Man, being an adult sucks!”?)

Yes, human beings rarely enjoy the present.  We look ahead all the time.  Oh, if I can just finish this poem, I’ll be happy!  Oh, I can’t wait for my vacation in six months!  Oh, I live for weekends!  Oh, I’m going to start enjoying life once I retire!  It seems like the future is always better and brighter.  

On the flip side, adults always look back wistfully on their childhoods.  There’s a reason why books like Little House on the Prairie and movies like The Breakfast Club and A Christmas Story are so popular.  They tap into that current of nostalgia that runs through all our veins.  True or not, we believe things were simpler and easier in the past.

My mother, in the last years of her life, lived in the past.  Her eyesight was bad.  Her hearing wasn’t much better.  She couldn’t remember who I was sometimes, and other times she would tell me stories about her girlhood in Detroit.  After my father died, she frequently asked about his whereabouts.  If we reminded her that Dad had died, her face crumpled with confusion and sadness as she experienced his loss anew.  The past became Mom’s happy place, where grief didn’t exist and joy was just a trip to Dairy Queen away.

Of course, that’s all bullshit.  There was still racism and misogyny and homophobia and Ronald Reagan in the past.  And I think we (current residents of the United States) can vouch for that fact that the future holds no promises of sunshine or low gas prices or peace. All we really have is the present, in all its current fucked-upness.  Worrying about tomorrow is about as useful as a wildfire smoke tariff on Canada..  

Here are things I celebrate about today:  blue sky, dinner and drinks with friends, chocolate, a puppy kiss, and warm pajamas.

Saint Marty wrote a poem about his mother for tonight , , ,

Someplace Happy

by: Martin Achatz

after she lost    her         husband          she didn’t

     remember         kept asking

when he was coming    home    accused him

of staying out         late        drinking with his pals

     from the Elks club    or    even worse

holing up at hunting camp         while she

slaved at home         took care of their nine kids

     they are    all grown     now        two dead

one with Down’s syndrome & Alzheimer’s

why would         you draw someone         back from

     someplace happy        with all her loves

still around        and she can still         remember

how to make          the good         tapioca from the pearls

     without having to           con         sult         the box

why    why    why    why    would you           want

to lure Dorothy back         from Oz         or

     Max back         from           the wild rum         pus

with all         the wild things         isn’t it bet    ter

if she just         keeps         wearing         those ruby      shoes

    eating emer    ald macarons         know         ing

Auntie Em is          still         there         wait         ing for           her

June 29, 2026: “The Copper Beech,” Boozy Book Fair, “Difficult Changes,” “Growing Up in Escanaba”

It’s raining right now.  After I finished dinner, I packed up a couple baskets of laundry and headed out to the laundromat.  Just as I was backing out of the driveway, the sky unzipped itself.  My windshield wipers couldn’t keep up with the buckets pouring down.

Now, as I sit typing this post, waiting for the socks and underwear to stop spinning, things have calmed down.  The heavens still look like an old nickel, and everything is sheathed in water. But I’m dry for the moment.  

Marie Howe writes about a rainstorm . . . 

The Copper Beech

by: Marie Howe

Immense, entirely itself,

it wore that yard like a dress,

with limbs low enough for me to enter it

and climb the crooked ladder to where

I could lean against the trunk and practice being alone.

One day, I heard the sound before I saw it, rain fell

darkening the sidewalk.

Sitting close to the center, not very high in the branches,

I heard it hitting the high leaves, and I was happy,

watching it happen without it happening to me.

I don’t mind rain.  In fact, my favorite kind of day is gray and full of mist.  All day, as I worked in my office at the library, I watched from my window as the trees banged their green heads in the wind as if jamming to the instrumental break in “Bohemian Rhapsody.”  In the distance, Lake Superior stretched its arms toward the shrouded horizon.  In short, it was a perfect day for a poet.

Two days ago, I took part in a Boozy Book Fair.  A bunch of authors and vendors set up tables and tents outside a brewery and sat there and talked about writing and poetry and books all day long.  I shared a space with one of my best poet friends.  The food trucks sold smoked pork and beef and brisket, and one of my favorite musicians/people in the whole world performed a two-hour concert.  (Truly, listening to him sing and play is like basking in sunlight.). Finally, right before I packed up to head home, I attended a workshop led by another one of my favorite people/poets in the whole world.

The whole day was like medicine for my tired soul.  Living in the United States is an exercise in exhaustion right now.  Every morning, I wake up afraid to check the news.  New wars.  A spiraling economy.  Human rights violations.  Every night, I close my eyes, hoping that I’ll wake up in an alternate reality where kindness and acceptance are the guiding forces.  It’s a recursive cycle of collective trauma.  

I may not have sold many books (just enough to over the registration fee and gas), but I literally felt like Tim Robbins at the end of The Shawshank Redemption, right after he crawls through a couple of miles of raw sewage and emerges into a pounding thunderstorm.  He spreads his arms wide, points hi face to the sky, and lets himself be baptized, grinning like a six-year-old on Christmas morning.  That’s the way I felt.

We all need rainstorm moments like that right now.  Every day is a new trauma, and almost everyone walks around a little shellshocked, unable to comprehend how the United States switched from decency to depravity so quickly.  It’s like we went from Mary Poppins with her magic carpetbag being in charge to Annie Wilkes with her sledgehammer.  

We all need a copper beech to shelter us from the shitstorm that is the United States of America currently.  Saturday, in that tent, surrounded by good books and good friends and good food and good music, I found my copper beech.  For a few hours, I just didn’t care about the rain, and it was a balm for my tired body and mind.

One of the services I offered at the Boozy Book Fair was what I call Flash Poetry.  For $5, I allowed anyone to give me a word or topic, and then I wrote a poem on that word or topic in ten minutes.  I’ve done this at several other events in the past, and I always marvel at what comes out of my pen.  For me, it’s instinctual.  I don’t know if it’s the short conversations I have with the customers or some kind of divine finger reaching down and tapping me on the shoulder, but I always come up with something that’s surprising (for me).  Plus, customers almost invariably are moved (sometimes to the point of tears) by what I produce.  Maybe I should call it Shelter from the Storm Poetry.

Below are a couple flash poems Saint Marty wrote that day.  They’re not polished.  Think of them as wildflowers you pick as you hike a difficult mountain path.

Difficult Changes

by: Martin Achatz

We endure them all the time—

say goodbye to old friends who

decide to move away, let go

of books we love, kiss mothers

as they breathe their last breaths.

Yet, we survive, move one, become

something better, like caterpillars.

Feel those wings on your shoulders 

now, spread them in all their stained

glass glory.  Test the wind, feel

the sun as you launch yourself

into that bright, blue, cloudless

newness—you will soar!

Growing Up in Escanaba

by: Martin Achatz

We were grounded by a lake, morning,

noon, night.  Summer, we jumped 

on our bikes, surfed into the blue

day, wind on our sweaty backs.

We thought we would live forever then,

our bodies tuned to the key of adventure,

our mothers and fathers the sirens

that called us home for dinners,

maybe a rerun of Star Trek or

I Love Lucy after our bottle rocket

popsicles,  These were our days, clutched

in our sticky fists, like swing chains,

as we pumped and pumped ourselves

until our toes kicked the moon.

June 22, 2026: “The Attic,” Hard Topics, “Triggering”

My faithful disciples know that I pretty much write about anything.  Nothing is off limits.  The only subjects taboo for me are the ones I don’t own.  For example, I don’t write about other people’s medical issues or personal tragedies unless given permission by those people.  Even then, I change names and details to protect identities.  

Over the 17 years I’ve been writing these posts, I’ve blogged about sexual addiction, mental illness, suicide, grief, and physical abuse, among other topics.  My life is an open book.  If you really want to know who I am, just go back to the beginning of Saint Marty in 2010 and start reading.  After six-thousand or so posts, you’ll probably have a pretty good idea of who I am.  

Marie Howe tackles a difficult topic . . . 

The Attic

by: Marie Howe

Praise to my older brother, the seventeen-year-old boy, who lived 

in the attic with me an exiled prince grown hard in his confinement,

bitter, bent to his evening task building the imaginary building

on the drawing board they’d given him in school.  His tools gleam

under the desk lamp.  He is as hard as the pencil he holds,

drawing the line straight along the ruler.

Tower prince, young king, praise to the boy

who has willed his blood to cool and his heart to slow.  He’s building

a structure with so many doors it’s finally quiet,

so that when our father climbs heavily up the attic stairs, he doesn’t

at first hear him pass down the narrow hall.  My brother is rebuilding

the foundation.  He lifts the clear plastic of one page

to look more closely at the plumbing,

—he barely hears the springs of my bed when my father sits down—

he’s imagining where the boiler might go, because

where it is now isn’t working.  Not until I’ve slammed the door behind

the man stumbling down the stairs again

does my brother look up from where he’s working.  I know it hurts him

to rise, to knock on my door and come in.  And when he draws his skinny

arm around my shaking shoulders,

I don’t know if he knows he’s building a world where I can one day

love a man—he sits there without saying anything.

Praise him.

I know he can hardly bear to touch me.

This is what I would call a brave poem.  Howe is tackling the subject of sexual/physical abuse by a parent (at least that’s my take).  She isn’t trying to shock the reader; she stays away from explicit details.  Instead, Howe pays tribute to her 17-year-old brother, who provides the kind of love and support that will allow her to overcome, heal, and eventually forge healthy relationships with the men in her life.  That’s an amazing act of love.

Emily Dickinson advises to “[t]ell all the truth but tell it slant” in one of her poems.  I think that’s what Howe does in this poem.  When dealing with a difficult subject, it’s easier to approach it from the side versus head on.  Sort of like admiring a solar eclipse—you can’t look at it directly or it will inflict serious harm.  Poetry is all about slant telling.

Today, I have no monumental or earth-shattering truth to reveal.  I worked at the library all day, including a writing workshop in the evening.  That’s it.  I’ve been working through the idea for a novella, and I think I got a jumpstart on the opening paragraphs in the workshop.  That makes me feel like I actually accomplished something important.  

When I was working on my Bigfoot manuscript, I used to say that I was wrestling with Bigfoot when I started a new poem.  I can still use that metaphor, I think, event though I have no intention of ever writing another Bigfoot poem in my life.  (Sorry folks, no sequels coming your way.)

So, Saint Marty wrestled with Bigfoot tonight and came up with this . . . 

Triggering

by: Martin Achatz

“Never write a poem that ought to have a poem written about it . . .”

          — Richard Hugo

In grad school, I was told never to write

a poem with the words love and heart

in it.  I was also cautioned against bone

and soul, as if those innermost parts

of ourselves will wither in sunlight

to brown husks, flake into dust on the tongue

that speaks them.  I think a poet must

fall in love with someone or something

in order to write about her or him or it or them.

For instance, I fell in love with my toothpaste

this morning, its minty heart alive

against the bone of my teeth.  I’m not

sure if my soul has a scent, but it it does,

I’ll bet it’s Colgate fresh, scrubbed clean

of the plaque of loss and regret and anger.

Am I allowed to use those words, Mr. Hugo?

Or should I floss them from this poem’s gums

like a popcorn kernel or stubborn apple seed?

June 21, 2026: “Practicing,” Adulting, “Father’s Day, Rainy and Cool”

Adulting kinda sucks.

When you’re a kid, everything is new and exciting.  You can’t wait to be old enough to drive a car and get laid and earn money and buy booze.  All of adolescence is a rehearsal for adulthood, and, when you’re a kid, you’re convinced that with age comes limitless freedom and joy.  

Similarly, most adults I know yearn for the simplicity and security of childhood.  (I’m generalizing here.  I know not all childhoods are safe and uncomplicated, and I honor those kids who are forced at very young ages to deal with very grownup struggles.)  Stereotypically, we mythologize our childhoods.  We’re all cast members on The Brady Bunch.  

Marie Howe writes about the thrills of adolescence . . . 

Practicing

by: Marie Howe

I want to write a love poem for the girls I kissed in seventh grade,

a song for what we did on the floor in the basement

of somebody’s parents’ house, a hymn for what we didn’t say but thought:

That feels good or I like that, when we learned how to open each other’s

mouths how to move our tongues to make somebody moan.  We called it

practicing, and one was the boy, and we paired off—maybe six or eight girls,

and turned off the lights and kissed and kissed until we were stoned on kisses,

and lifted our nightgowns or let the straps drop, and, Now you be the boy:

concrete floor, sleeping bag, couch, playroom, game room, train room, laundry.

Linda’s basement was like a boat with booths and portholes

instead of windows.  Gloria’s father had a bar downstairs with stools that

spun, plush carpeting.  We kissed each other’s throats.

We sucked each other’s breasts, and we left marks, and never spoke of it

upstairs, outdoors, in daylight, not once.  We did it, and it was

practicing, and slept, sprawled so our legs still locked or crossed, a hand still

lost in someone’s hair . . . and we grew up and hardly mentioned who

the first kiss really was—a girl like us, still sticky with moisturizers we’d

shared in the bathroom.  I want to write a song

for that thick silence in the dark, and the first pure thrill of unreluctant

desire—just before we made ourselves stop.

Howe really captures that adolescent longing for adult experience in this poem.  Adolescent boys experiment with similar taboos, and, just like the girls in Howe’s poem, they don’t speak of these basement encounters in broad daylight.  It’s pretty common, although most guys will not admit it.  The stigma is just too strong.

I’ve been thinking a lot about my adolescence and childhood today.  I was a pretty easy kid, I think.  I never really gave my parents anything to worry about.  I didn’t smoke a joint until my junior year.  Didn’t get blackout drunk until I was a senior.  I only went on a few dates as a teenager, and the condom I carried around in my backpack never fulfilled its intended purpose during my high school career.  I thought I was going to live forever.

Now, I’ve had sex at least twice (as evidenced by my two kids).  I’ve also had a few careers—in healthcare and higher education and church music and event programming.  I know more than half of my life is behind me, and I’ve lost several family members and friends.  Mortality is very present in my day-to-day existence.  

Today was the first day of summer.  It was also Father’s Day.  I stopped by the cemetery this afternoon to visit my dad’s grave. It was raining pretty hard, but I stood there for a couple minutes, thinking about all the things I never said to my dad (and the things I DID say to him that I now regret).  As a kid, I thought I had all the time in the world.  Young people drench themselves in immortality the way they drench themselves in Axe body spray or Love’s Baby Soft.

I loved my dad, but he and I were very different people with very different values.  I can’t recall a single time that my dad said “I love you” to me.  Almost daily, however, I tell my son and daughter that I love them.  If the only memory they have of me when I’m gone is the fact that I said “I love you” way too my times, that’s enough.  I’ve done my job as their father.

Saint Marty wrote this poem about his dad for Father’s Day . . . 

Father’s Day, Rainy and Cool

by: Martin Achatz

I stand by my dad’s stone this afternoon

by myself, his Memorial Day flag now soaked,

deflated as a beached jellyfish.  The air

is stiff with the smell of worm and mud.

Most of my dad is here, although my sisters

have lockets of his ashes in their dresser drawers.

My son has an urn on his bookshelf.  I know

it contains the ashes of my dad’s pointer finger,

the one he always jabbed at my chest,

sinking his love into me like a rusty nail.

June 20, 2026: “Buying the Baby,” Father’s Day Weekend, “Hard Work”

From a very young age, I was taught the value of hard work.  Even when my dad retired (after almost 50-plus years of cabling sewers, replacing water heaters, and installing furnaces), he still got up before 5 a.m., sipped his strong black coffee, and then headed out into the day for whatever task he had set for himself to accomplish.  Mowing the lawn or tinkering around in his warehouse or chopping wood at camp.  He never slowed down.  And he instilled that same work ethic in each of his kids.

On this Father’s Day weekend, I find myself thinking about my dad a lot.  How he forced me to do things I hated, like going on plumbing jobs when I was a kid; mowing the lawn to his exact specifications (not an easy feat); and attending catechism and Mass with the Society of St. Pius X (a Catholic sect that rejected the reforms introduced by the Vatican II and insisted on Latin liturgy).  Simply put, I didn’t see eye-to-eye with my dad on a lot of things, emotionally, spiritually, socially, or politically.  But I loved him, even though our relationship was complicated.

Marie Howe writes about attending Catholic school . . . 

Buying the Baby

by: Marie Howe

In those days you could buy a pagan baby for five dollars,

the whole class saved up.  And when you bought it

you could name it Joseph, Mary, or Theresa, thee class took a vote.

But on the day I brought in the five dollars

my grandmother had given me for my birthday something happened

—fire drill?  An assassination?  And if it was announced 

Marie Howe has, all by herself, bought a baby in India and gets to name it,

it was overshadowed and forgotten

And if I tried to picture my baby, the CARE package

carried to her hut and placed before her, as her sisters and brothers watched,

that image dissolved into the long shining hall to the girls’ lavatory.

Even in my own room, waiting for Roy Orbison to sing “Only the Lonely”

so I could sleep, I couldn’t conjure that baby up.

The five dollars I gave her would never reach her.  I knew that,

because I wanted my class to think me good for giving it.

Spiritual Pride the nuns called it, a Sin of Intention,

sister to the Sin of Omission, which was 

the price for what you hadn’t done but thought.

Sometimes I prayed so hard for God to materialize at the foot of my bed

it would start to happen,

then I’d beg it to stop, and it would.

I don’t have much memory of those catechism classes I attended as a kid.  Vaguely, I recall buying cows and sheep and chickens for remote African villages.  I also have a memory of learning the Lord’s Prayer in Latin when I was in second or third grade and a priest forcing me to recite it for a group of snickering high schoolers.  However, I have no recollection of buying a pagan baby for five bucks.

But I worked hard at being the perfect Catholic schoolboy.  I went to confession every Sunday, even though second graders don’t really commit a lot of serious sins.  The one sin I committed over and over was this:  I hated attending the Latin Mass.  I admitted this fact to the priest every week in that stuffy little room, and I listened to his admonitions and accepted my penance.  Every week.  Truly, though, I was pretty unrepentant.  To this day, I’m not a fan of Latin liturgy or Gregorian chant or hymns based on Gregorian chants.  Yes, I know I’m going to hell.

So, I didn’t inherit my dad’s penchant for ancient rituals in dead languages.  However, I watched him work from dawn to dusk every day.  To relax at night, he drank 7 and 7s.  A lot of them.  (He eventually gave this practice up after he realized he had a big problem with alcohol.  He never attended an AA meeting or worked any twelve step program.  He just went cold turkey one day and never looked back.)  Because of my dad’s addiction, I’m very cognizant of my own consumption of alcohol and other substances.  I think that’s the reason I waited until I was a high school senior before I indulged in my first puking blackout.  

But, because of the work ethic I inherited from my parents, I was salutatorian of my high school class and received a full-ride scholarship to college, from which I graduated summa cum laude.  Then I went on to graduate school and earned two advanced degrees.  Currently, I hold down five jobs (teaching at a university, programming at a library, and playing keyboard/pipe organ at three different churches).  I’m not a lazy person, and I have my dad and mom to thank for that.

At the laundromat this afternoon, Saint Marty wrote a poem . . . 

Hard Work

by: Martin Achatz

After a morning bagging up dog crap,

stray branches, a desiccated mouse carcass

(probably dropped by a barred owl), then pushing

a mower for a couple more hours under 

a punishing sun, avoiding fat toads in the grass 

after a night of heavy rain, I sit on my living 

room couch in front of a fan, chew an ice cube

in the window-shaded dark, and lick sweat

from my upper lip as I contemplate the real 

hard work ahead of me:  this poem 

with its concrete nouns, feral verbs, Homeric

mystery.  In a few minutes, I’ll launch myself

toward the shores of Troy, ready to war

five, ten, twenty years for a single line of verse

so beautiful and perfect it would make Paris 

forget the golden apple of Helen’s body.

June 18, 2026: “Sixth Grade,” Regrets, “Imaginary Family Tree”

We all have experiences in the past that cause us shame, especially when we get older.  It’s inevitable.  I could provide a laundry list of my personal regrets and hurts.  Chances not taken.  Cruelties inflicted.  Things not said.  It’s not healthy to obsess over these moments, but I do, late at night, when I can’t fall asleep.

Marie Howe writes about a childhood trauma . . . 

Sixth Grade

by: Marie Howe

The afternoon the neighborhood boys tied me and Mary Lou Maher

to Donny Ralph’s father’s garage doors, spread-eagled,

it was the summer they chased us almost every day.

Careening across the lawns they’’d mowed for money,

on bikes they threw down, they’d catch us, lie on top of us,

then get up and walk away.

That afternoon Donny’s mom wasn’t home.

His nine sisters and brothers gone—even Gramps, who lived with them,

gone somewhere—the backyard empty, the big house quiet.

A gang of boys.  They pulled the heavy garage doors down,

and tied us to them with clothesline,

and Donny got the deer’s leg severed from the buck his dad had killed

the year before, dried up and still fur-covered, and sort of

poked it at us, dancing around the blacktop in his sneakers, laughing.

Then somebody took it from Donny and did it.

And then somebody else, and somebody after him.

Then Donny pulled up Mary Lou’s dress and held it up,

and she began to cry, and I became a boy again, and shouted Stop.,

and they wouldn’t.

Then a girl-boy, calling out to Charlie my best friend’s brother,

who wouldn’t look

Charlie! to my brother’s friend who knew me

Stop them.  And he wouldn’t.

And then more softly, and looking directly at him, I said, Charlie.

And he said Stop.  And they said What?  And he said Stop it.

And they did, quickly untying the ropes, weirdly quiet,

Mary Lou weeping.  And Charlie?  Already gone.

Certain experiences stay with you like scars throughout your life.  Some are collective traumas—the JFK assassination, Challenger explosion, 9-11 attacks.  Others are more personal—physical abuse, schoolyard bullying, high school heartbreak.  What Howe describes here is a childhood trauma that haunts her into adulthood.  

As I said above, I have tons of regrets and hurts.  I never told my dad I loved him.  Ever.  My mother spent the final two or three years of her life in a nursing home, and I can count on one hand the number of times I visited her.  I was a chubby kid who played piano, wrote poems, and went to see the original Star Wars 27 times in the theater.  I pretty much had a target on my back all through middle school.  Faithful disciples of this blog know all about the struggles that addictions have inflicted on my marriage and family.  (I still go to therapy over these.)

I believe that most poetry comes from places of pain.  Old wounds that haven’t healed.  There’s something exquisitely beautiful about sorrow and grief.  Because you can’t experience either of those emotional states without also experiencing great joy and love.  Only the people we love and trust the most can inflict trauma in our lives.  I can vouch for that statement.  (Sorry, but I am not going to drag those skeletons out of my closet for this post.  Suffice to say, I have childhood traumas that shaped me into the person I am today.)

If I could go back in time to change my past and avoid those childhood traumas, would I?  I don’t think so.  Those wounds run deep, and I think they’ve made me a kinder, gentler individual than I would have been otherwise.  More empathetic and understanding.  Plus, I get a hell of a lot of poems out of that material.

I don’t think pain is intrinsically negative or positive.  It’s what we do with that pain that matters.  My childhood pain made me a better father, I think.  The marital struggles I endured taught me a great deal about trust and love and respect.  Made me a better partner.  You get the idea.  Trauma can destroy or shape you.

Saint Marty wrote a poem about generational trauma for this evening . . . 

Imaginary Family Tree

by: Martin Achatz

My dad jogged behind that limo in Dallas,

kept a white shirt rusted with Kennedy’s blood

in the bedroom closet until the day he died.

My mother marched on Washington in 1963,

stood under Lincoln’s marble gaze

while Martin climbed that mountaintop

and dreamed in front of her.

My great grandma sewed suffragette sashes

for Susan B. Anthony, slept next to her

at night, voting yes! and yes! again 

with lips and fingers in the dark.

My great great great grandpa stood by Grant

in the courthouse, watched a war end

so quietly he could hear flies buzzing

on Lee’s Confederate gray gelding outside.

Me?  I’ll bequeath my Nobel Prize diploma

to my kids.  It’s hanging above my desk 

at the moment, looking a lot like a Valentine

my daughter made me in kindergarten,

a flock of crayon hearts slapping my eyes.

June 14, 2026: “The Boy,” Shared Joy, “Waiting for the Bus”

It has been a quiet weekend of shared joy.

Yesterday, my wife and I attended our local Pride Fest, manning a table for the library where I work.  It was a sunny, warm day with strong winds that upheaved tents and sent pamphlets and brochures flying.  But none of that mattered.  It was all about welcome and acceptance, seeing people for who they are and greeting them with a holy Hell yes!

The United States is so divided and angry right now, marching quickly toward totalitarianism; kindness and empathy and joy are endangered species.  I sometimes don’t even recognize the country in which I grew up, and that makes me feel like a kid who wants to run away from home.

Marie Howe writes about a runaway . . . 

The Boy

by: Marie Howe

My brother is walking down the sidewalk into the suburban summer night:

white T-shirt, blue jeans—to the field at the end of the street.

Hangers Hideout the boys called it, an undeveloped plot, a pit overgrown

with weeds, some old furniture thrown down there,

and some metal hangers clinking in the trees like wind chimes.

He’s running away from home because our father wants to cut his hair.

And in two more days our father will convince me to go to him—you know

where he is—and talk to him:  No reprisals.  He promised.

A small parade of kids in feet pajamas will accompany me, their voices

like the first peepers in spring.  And my brother will walk ahead of us home,

and our father will shave his head bald, and my brother will not speak 

to anyone the next month, not a word, not pass the milk, nothing.

What happened in our house taught my brothers how to leave, how to walk

down a sidewalk without looking back.

I was the girl.  What happened taught me to follow him, whoever he was,

calling and calling his name.

Howe’s narrative is pretty familiar to me.  I loved my father, but he could be a pretty hard guy.  He had pretty clear ideas of the roles of men and women.  From a very young age, I was expected to learn my father’s trade (plumbing) like each of my three brothers did.  My father’s expectations for my sisters were a little more open and accepting.  One of my sisters became a registered nurse.  Another became a medical transcriptionist and coder, running a local hospital’s entire medical record department.  My oldest sister drove trucks for the mines in the area and also became a licensed Master Plumber, like my brothers.

Me?  Well, you know how things turned out for me.  English professor.  Writer.  Blogger.  Musician.  Actor.  Director.  Poet.  My life choices seemed to come right out of the book Being the Black Sheep of the Family for Dummies.  Until I started dating the woman who would eventually become my wife, I’m pretty sure my father was convinced I was gay, which was the only thing worse than being a poet in my father’s estimation.

I know my father was proud of my achievements.  He attended almost all of my poetry readings, even though I’m pretty sure he didn’t quite get my work.  At the very least, he respected my accomplishments.  He learned to accept me for who I was.  And that’s pretty much the best gift a father can give his children.

I never put any expectations on my kids.  I don’t care whether they’re gay, straight, bi, or trans.  My only hope for them is happiness.  Even if (God forbid!), they became Republicans, I’d still love them, although that would really test my threshold of acceptance.  

At the moment, there’s a UFC fight going on in front of the White House to celebrate you-know-who’s 80th birthday.  I’ve been avoiding news reports all day because I know the kind of crowd that event is going to draw, and, after this weekend of love and acceptance, I don’t want to end it with beer-drinking, red-hat-wearing white supremacists spouting hate speech in the same place where Martin Luther King spoke about his dreams for America and Americans.   Not gonna do it.  Wouldn’t be prudent.

I’m not a person who hates.  (This has been put to the test over and over in the last ten years.)  I didn’t raise my children to hate.  Life is way too short to hand over that kind of power to some individual or group.  If my one contribution to the universe is raising my daughter and son to love unconditionally, I can march up to the Pearly Gates with my head held high.

Saint Marty wrote a poem for tonight about the shared joy of the human experience . . . 

Waiting for the Bus

by: Martin Achatz

Some know each other, greet on approach

the way mothers greet children coming

home from war.  Patient as sheets

on a clothesline, they wait for

the blue-and-white bus to appear, know

this hurried world will soon swallow

them into grocery stores, medical appointments,

soul-killing jobs cleaning hotel rooms

or dropping baskets of fries into boiling oil.

But right now, in this moment, they share

stories about hernias and old dogs

with cataracts and grandkids who’ve just

graduated from high school.  They’re in no

rush.  None of them.  They savor these simple

intimacies like blueberries sprinkled on

a bowl of soggy Cheerios, milk sweet with sugar,

just like they used to eat on Saturday mornings

watching Bugs Bunny when they were kids.

June 11, 2026: “Encounter,” Redefining, “Ignorance is Bliss”

Yes, I’ve taken a few days to recuperate from all of my son’s graduation festivities—from the ceremony to the open house.  It’s an exciting time in a young person’s life.  For parents, it’s physically and emotionally draining.  After 17 or 18 years, a whole chapter of the parenting handbook draws to a close, and the question that lingers is “Now what?”

For better or worse, when you have a child, you have to redefine who you are.  My wife and I used to go to movies and restaurants all the time before the birth of our daughter.  We were an incredibly social couple, always planning get-togethers with family and friends.  However, after our kids came along, I was no longer just “Saint Marty” or “Teacher Marty” or “Poet Marty.”  My new title carried more weight:  “Father Marty” (not in the Catholic priest sense).  Parenthood makes you redefine everything you believed about yourself, including life goals and hopes and dreams.

Marie Howe writes about a life-redefining experience . . . 

Encounter

by: Marie Howe

First, the little cuts, then the bigger ones,

the biggest, the burns.  This is what God did

when he wanted to love you.

She didn’t expect to meet him on the stairway

no on used but she did, because she was

afraid of the elevator, the locked room.

She didn't expect him to look like that, to be

so patient, first the little ones, then

the big ones.  Everything

in due time, he said, I’ve got all the time

in the world.  She didn’t imagine it would take

so long, the breaking.

He did it three times before he did it.  Love?

She had imagined it differently, something

coming home to her,

an end to waiting.  And she did stop, when

the big cuts came.  It was all there was,

the burning, and that’s what God was

everywhere at once.  Someone had already

told her that, not only in his voice.  He was

inside her now—

the bigger ones, then the burning—and gone,

then back again.  This was termite, when

nothing happened that wasn’t

already happening.  She couldn’t remember.

After the burning, even the light went quiet.

She didn’t think God would be so

specific, so delicate—inside her elbow, under

her arm, the back of her neck, 

and her knees.

It’s true, she struggled at first until after

the breaking.  Then God was with her, and she

was with him.

Every spring, something miraculous happens in my backyard.  Quite a few years ago, I noticed one or two trillium blossoms growing at the base of some lilac bushes.  Now, calm down.  I know trillium are endangered, and just picking one can cost a person up to $1000 or 90 days in jail.  Let me be clear:  I did not troop into the forest in the middle of the night to hunt down trillium like the toothless Chris Cooper hunting down Ghost Orchids in the movie Adaptation.  

I don’t know how those trillium got into my backyard.  Perhaps the former owner of my house did the whole Chris Cooper thing.  Or maybe the house was built on top of bulldozed field of trillium before they were endangered.  Or, maybe, like in Howe’s poem, God just walked by one day and left a God-fragment behind for me to encounter.

Whatever origin story is true, the miracle of my backyard trillium happened again this year, and, in the almost quarter century we’ve lived in this house, these ghostly trinities have multiplied.  Where once there was only two or three blossoms, now an entire host of whiteness materializes in May, blazes for a few weeks, and then vanishes until the following spring.  My hope is that, eventually, trillium will redefine the landscape of my entire backyard like a low-hanging fog bank.

You’re probably thinking to yourself:  what do trillium have to do with Saint Marty’s son graduating from high school?  Well, we’re all trillium, struggling to hang on and flourish in a world that’s seems determined to endanger or extinct us.  The only way to survive is to give ourselves permission to evolve and germinate.  Cling to the wonder that brought us into existence in the first place.  

That’s what I’m trying to do right now, and that’s what I’m encouraging you, faithful disciples, to do, as well:  enjoy this year’s season of trillium (the sun on its petals, mud in its roots).  Stop and really take in that miraculous patch of beauty.  Don’t worry about the hard winter we’ve just endured, or the wildfires of the coming summer.  To paraphrase a really old cliché:  stop and smell the trillium.  The redefining will come soon enough.

Saint Marty wrote a poem about another cliché today . . . 

Ignorance is Bliss

by: Martin Achatz

Across the street, the new neighbors

(an older man and younger woman)

hang wind chimes on their front porch.

When I get home, the chimes chime

like a teenage girl’s jewelry box,

a plastic ballerina twirling 

to “Waltz of the Flowers” slower

and slower and slower until it stops

mid-spin, becomes a Degas pastel.

I stand in dusky light, imagine

the older man and younger woman

cooking naked in their kitchen, him

lifting a spoon to her lips, her sipping

its sauce, telling him to add more salt.

I may learn their names tomorrow, or

that they’re actually brother and sister, or

she had miscarriage last year, or

he is in the middle of chemo for lung cancer.

But for now, just let me have this stupid joy:

the older man and younger woman

holding each other tight as the pasta boils

and chimes chime in the evening breeze.