Thursday, October 3, 2013

October 3: Sleep, Jumping, Peace

I stayed in the bathroom for about an hour, taking  a bath and all.  Then I got back in bed.  It took me quite a while to get to sleep--I wasn't even tired--but finally did.  What I really felt like, thought, was committing suicide.  I felt like jumping out the window.  I probably would've done it, too, if I'd been sure somebody'd cover me up as soon as I landed.  I didn't want a bunch of stupid rubbernecks looking at me when I was all gory.

Holden spends quite a few pages of Catcher contemplating his death, whether by his own hand (jumping from a window) or by natural causes (pneumonia).  Of course, Holden is also pretty much at rock bottom at this point in the story.  He's not thinking clearly, and he's not making the greatest choices for himself.  Just his smoking alone is going to kill him.

Now, I don't want you guys to think that this post is some kind of suicide note from me.  It's not.  I am not thinking of harming myself or anyone else.  I simply want to discuss stress depression.  More specifically, I want to discuss peace of mind from stress and depression.

As I was filling out my little mental health evaluation at my therapy appointment, I found myself answering "yes" to questions like "Do you have trouble falling asleep and/or sleeping too much?"  By the time I was finished answering all the questions, I was convinced I was in worse mental shape than Holden.  It wasn't pretty.

As I was talking with my therapist, she suggested I take the weekend off from worry.  "I think it's a good idea to put things on the shelf for a couple of days," she said.  So, starting tonight, I'm off worry detail this Saint Marty's Day weekend.  For Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, I am not going to let stress and depression take a back seat.  Actually, I'm not even taking stress and depression along for the ride.  Only cake and balloons and tapioca this weekend.  No window ledges.

Saint Marty is going to force himself to have a little peace of mind, even if it kills him.

Been there, done that

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