May 7: Started to Cry, Saint Arsenius, the Gift of Tears

Then, all of a sudden, I started to cry.  I couldn't help it.  I did it so nobody could hear me, but I did it.  It scared hell out of old Phoebe when I started doing it, and she came over and tried to make me stop, but once you get started, you can't just stop on a goddam dime.  I was still sitting on the edge of the bed when I did it, and she put her old arm around my neck, and I put my arm around her, too, but I still couldn't stop for a long time...

I've written about this passage in Catcher before.  It's Holden at his most vulnerable, when all of his sarcastic defenses are down.  Phoebe has just given him her Christmas money ($8.65), and Holden is overwhelmed.  Of course, it's a young child who causes him to finally release some of his pent-up grief.  He's safe with Phoebe.  He knows Phoebe loves him unconditionally.
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When I was reading through the Lives of the Saints this morning, I came across the following passage about Saint Arsenius, whose feast day is May 8:  "He also had the gift of tears to a surprising degree."  The little biography of Arsenius provides no details about these tears, or why they are considered a gift.  The detail intrigued me, so I did a little research on the Internet, and I came across this description from Pope Shenouda III:

Saint Arsenius is one of the saints who became very famous for his weeping.  It is said that his eyelashes fell due to the intensity of his weeping, and that two cavities formed on his cheeks because of his weeping.  During summer, he would wet the palm leaves with his tears, and he placed a piece of cloth on his knees for his tears to fall on.  At the time of his death he wept intensely and his disciples said to him, "Truly, Father, are you also afraid?"  "Indeed," he answered them, "the fear which is mine at this hour has been with me ever since I became a monk."

Arsenius wept out of sadness and fear, Shenouda goes on to say.  He wept because he knew how much he failed in life, and how much those failures grieved God's loving heart.  Arsenius didn't cry for forgiveness.  He knew he was forgiven already.  Arsenius cried because he had failed to live up to God's unconditional love.

I think that's why Holden sits on Phoebe's bed weeping, as well.  He knows Phoebe loves him, no matter what he does.  She loves him so much that she's willing to give him all of her savings.  It's that sacrifice that drives Holden to the gift of tears.  When faced with that kind of love, tears are a natural response, I think.

I'm lucky enough to have a wife and daughter and son who love me unconditionally.  I know that, if I go home tonight and yell at my daughter because she hasn't practiced her flute, or get angry with my wife because she hasn't made the beds or done the dishes in the kitchen sink, or lose patience with my son because he left a pile of toys in the bathtub, they will all still love me in the morning.  When I think about how much love I have in my life, it drives a fist of tears into my throat.

Tears are usually associated with loss and grief and sorrow.  However, it is through tears that loss and grief and sorrow are transformed into something healing.  Memory.  Laughter.  Hope.  Love.

Saint Marty thinks Holden and Saint Arsenius are onto something.

Tears--the gift that keeps on giving