Page-Turner
by: Billy Collins
Desirable
in fiction.
Not so much
with a slim book of poems.
Collins makes a good point. Generally, poems are not consumed quickly, like a bag of Cheetos. When I read a book of poems, even one that is only 15 or 20 pages long, it takes me more than one sitting. You can't rush through poetry because it wrestles with big questions, often with no clear, definable answers.
One of the biggest questions I've struggled with for years (ever since my sister died of lymphoma of the brain) is why God allows terrible things happen to good people. Now, my atheist friends will cite science and philosophy, explain the biological causes of dementia or quote Nietzsche ("To live is to suffer, to survive is to find some meaning in the suffering.").
As a Christian, I rely on faith. As a poet, I rely on words. However, this morning I found out that a very good person in my life (I'll call her "A."), who has already survived breast cancer, just discovered she has a large renal tumor and smaller tumors in her lungs. All of my old angers and resentments against God have reappeared.
Now, God doesn't mind if I get pissed at him. (I use the masculine pronoun here because most of the people who have caused hurt in my life have been men.) God has big shoulders and understands my frustration. It's hard to see any kind of divine plan in suffering of any kind. Yet, faith tells me to put my trust in God.
I'm having a hard time doing that. God seems like a playground bully at the moment. At church this afternoon, I had a little heart-to-heart with the Big Guy, expressing all of my angers and frustrations. I may have even called God an asshole.
I've lost a lot of people in my life in these last eight or nine years--decent, good people who went out of their ways to make the world a better place. Yet those people suffered and died while others like Donald Trump lie, cheat, steal, commit adultery, and incite violence. I just don't get it.
But I know there is a reason for everything, even if I don't (and probably never will) understand it. Prayer is medicine, and it comes in many forms (just read the Book of Psalms if you don't believe me). Anger. Joy. Sorrow. Love. Frustration. Fear. Courage. It's all prayer, even if you use the word "asshole."
So, please lift up A. in healing and hope and love. Say a prayer for her, if you pray. Wish her well, if you don't.
Saint Marty will try not to swear at God any more tonight.
Mystery
by: Martin Achatz
Trying to understand why
someone I care about
has been diagnosed with cancer
again, I feel like Columbo
turning to God, saying,
"Excuse me, just one more question."
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