December 11: Concern, the Future, Disappointed in Myself

"Do you feel absolutely no concern for your future, boy?"

Old Spencer poses this question to Holden right at the beginning of the book.  Spencer is worried about Holden's imminent flunking out of Pencey Prep.  But it's a pretty existential question.  Obviously, Holden doesn't expend a whole lot of thought over his future.  Growing up, for Holden, isn't very attractive.  It's giving up everything he holds most important:  innocence and hope and invincibility.

I know what Holden's getting at.  I think I spend way too much time worrying about the future.  I think about it all the time.  Which is kind of silly, when you think about it.  I mean, I'm fretting over things that haven't happened, that may never happen.  I'm worrying over the possibility of struggle and pain.


Tonight, I had to audition for an organist job at my wife's church.  Basically, I have been fulfilling the duties of this position for the last 12 or 13 years.  The church leadership has decided to make this position official, with a job description and everything.  Well, almost everything.  They're cutting the salary in half.

Anyway, I auditioned, and I sucked.  I let my nerves get the better of me.  I stumbled and stopped.  It wasn't great.  I'm highly disappointed in myself.  I'm not the kind of keyboardist who can sit down with a new piece of sheet music and play it flawlessly.  I need practice.  I had none tonight.

I've been seriously disappointed in myself a lot recently.  I spend a lot time questioning my life choices about jobs and schooling.  Maybe I should have finished up my PhD.  Maybe I should have gone on a national search for a real job at a university.  Maybe I should have not bought my house.  Maybe I should just have remained a renter and let someone else worry about taxes and utilities.  Maybe things would be better.  Less stressful.

But I can't change the past.  I can only live with the consequences of my past choices.  I'm a poet.  I'm a teacher.  I'm a church musician.  Basically, I'm all these things that don't really pay with a whole lot of money.  If I had made a few different choices, I think my family would be more secure and safe and happy.

Saint Marty could have been a computer programmer.  A plumber.  An auto mechanic.  Instead of a disappointment.

Been there, done this