I'm not going to a church service tonight. I'm fine with that. I've been in a kind of ashy mood for most of the day, anyway. Thinking about my life, job, career, writing, wife, kids. I will admit that I've been feeling a little sorry for myself. This morning, I bit the bullet and applied for a couple of different positions in the hospital. I've been avoiding this step in the job search process. After almost 17 years, I have to find new employment. I have to interview, sell myself. I haven't had to do that for a really long time.
I think, for the past week, I've been pulling an ostrich. Burying my head in the sand, not wanting to confront reality. Unfortunately, I know that won't work forever. So, here I sit, the clock ticking, not knowing what the future holds for me. Some people have told me this past week, "God never shuts a door without opening a window." Well, at the moment, it feels like God's opened a window on the tenth floor and there's a whole lot of hard, cold cement beneath me.
I know that everyone encounters struggles in life. I am not alone. Even the young E. B. White, future New Yorker essayist and beloved children's author, struggled:
He was often on the edge of sadness and fear. The thought of school especially frightened him. As a small child, he threw screaming tantrums, begging to stay home in his beloved family castle instead of entering kindergarten. This battle he naturally lost...
Like White, I know that I'm going to lose this battle. That doesn't mean I won't throw a few more screaming tantrums, beg to stay in my current job. After all, I don't like what's happening, but I can't ignore it either.
Saint Marty will accept it. Do what he has to do. Find a way to be happy.
|This really isn't an option|