November 21: Blush Like Wine, Thanksgiving Eve, Building & Loan

Yonder, by ever-brimming goblet's rim, the warm waves blush like wine. The gold brow plumbs the blue. The diver sun- slow dived from noon- goes down; my soul mounts up! she wearies with her endless hill. Is, then, the crown too heavy that I wear? this Iron Crown of Lombardy. Yet is it bright with many a gem; I the wearer, see not its far flashings; but darkly feel that I wear that, that dazzlingly confounds. 'Tis iron- that I know- not gold. 'Tis split, too- that I feel; the jagged edge galls me so, my brain seems to beat against the solid metal; aye, steel skull, mine; the sort that needs no helmet in the most brain-battering fight!

Ahab musing on his life.  Instead of enjoying the warm waves and ocean sunset, he focuses instead on his iron crown of thorns.  He is incapable of any sustained moments of happiness.  Sadly, I'm feeling a lot like Ahab today.

It's Thanksgiving Eve.

I have been trying all this week to focus on gratitude.  Most people who know me would probably describe me as a pretty positive person.  At work, I tell jokes, make people laugh, try to see the glass as (at least) half-full.  At the university where I teach, I would bet that most of my colleagues would describe me similarly.  Upbeat.  Always smiling.  Helpful.

Sometimes, that's an act.  To paraphrase a therapist friend of mine, I have to fake it 'til I make it.  Today is one of those days for me.  I'm not able to focus fully on my blessings right now.  Nothing terrible has necessarily happened today.  Yet.  However, I received a text from a really good friend that pretty much said that the outpatient surgery center where I work is closing at the end of the year.  Now, keep in mind this is not an official notification from my boss of imminent closure.  It is simply another text full of "this person heard from this person who heard from this person that the Surgery Center is closing."

That being said, it was not a text that instilled in my soul a spirit of thankfulness.  I try to ignore secondhand and thirdhand rumors.  Generally, these kinds of rumors only make you feel terrible about yourself or your life.  I'm in that particular head space right now.  In this post, my plan was to focus on my medical office job.  Being grateful that no bad news had come my way.  Can't do that now.

I will say that I am grateful to have this blog to be able to air my daily meditations on life, positive and negative.  Of course, I know all the old chestnuts about change.  My favorite:  God never closes a door without opening a window.  That really doesn't help when you happen to be on the 30th floor with a whole lot of asphalt and cement underneath you.  Maybe, when I'm on the other side of this whole experience, I will have a different outlook.  Right now, however, I'm standing in a doorway, waiting for the door to be slammed in my face.  Not really looking around for windows.

Until I officially hear otherwise about my job, I'm sticking with the half-full glass, as hard as that may be today.  I'm going to go home tonight to make pecan pies.  Maybe I'll watch It's A Wonderful Life, let Frank Capra remind me:  "Remember no man is a failure who has friends."  I sing to my son when he goes to bed.  Play a game of Trivial Pursuit with my daughter.  Crawl into bed with my beautiful wife.

Saint Marty really does have a wonderful life, whether the Building & Loan remains open or closes.