October 25: Getting Old, Mountain Dew, Lemony Snicket

And then Billy traveled in time to when he was sixteen years old, in the waiting room of a doctor.  Billy had an infected thumb.  There was only one other patient waiting--an old, old man.  The old man was in agony because of gas.  He farted tremendously, and then he belched.  

"Excuse me," he said to Billy.  Then he did it again.  "Oh God--" he said, "I knew it was going to be bad getting old."   He shook his head.  "I didn't know it was going to be this bad."

All I can say about the old man in the waiting room with sixteen-year-old Billy is:  Amen.

I can recall when I didn't have to worry about what I ate or drank.  Mountain Dew for breakfast.  Hostess Ding Dongs for lunch.  Then something healthy for dinner--like pizza.  My before bed snack, more Mountain Dew.  And I didn't gain weight.

I ran two or three miles every day, and I didn't feel like I was going to die after the first half mile.  I could shop at Old Navy and not have to venture into the old man section of jeans and Polo shirts.  My feet didn't hurt at the end of the day, and I didn't fall asleep watching the ten o'clock news.  In fact, I could stay up all night, sleep for a half hour, and then go to school.

Things have changed.  Tonight, I'm going to hear Daniel Handler (a.k.a. Lemony Snicket) talk at the university.  I'm taking my daughter, because he was one of her favorite writers when she was younger.  The presentation starts at 8 p.m.  I'm a little concerned that I might fall asleep during it.  I'm going to get home well past my bedtime.

Saint Marty agrees with Vonnegut's old man:  "I didn't know it was going to be this bad."