The latch on the gate of my wife's Subaru is now fixed. However, last night, its battery died. After my sister jump-started it, my wife noticed the odometer and tachometer and other electrical gauges weren't working. When my wife informed me of this fact, I got a sick feeling in the pit of my wallet. Whenever anything electrical goes wrong on a car, it's generally not an easy fix.
I just received a phone call from the mechanic which confirmed my fears. He told me that the instrument control doohicky was shot and needed to be replaced. Cost: $540.00. After I threw up a little in my mouth, he said he checked around for a used doohicky. Cost of used doohicky: $120.00. That's still expensive, but at least my family will be able to eat during the month of July.
One of my huge fears in life is money. I'm always worried that something is going to happen which will cost so much money I'll have to declare bankruptcy. Don't laugh. I've had a few relatives who've done just that. I'm afraid of losing my house, losing my car, losing my job, losing my sense of humor. A huge, unexpected expense makes me break out in hives. I've been really good in recent years about putting away money for emergencies like my wife's electrical issues. However, now that we have that monetary cushion, I'm afraid of losing that cushion. I feel unprotected, vulnerable.
Of course, these feelings go completely against the Christian idea of trusting God completely. I have a friend who is a strong Christian and leads the praise band at church. She's been out of work for over three years. She's been pushed to the brink of despair on many occasions. Yet, she shows up every Sunday and sings her heart out. I know she's struggled with her faith in the past year. I keep waiting for God to reach down and pick her up. Hasn't happened yet.
Robert of Newminster, today's feast saint, is annoyingly trusting. He was a priest and abbot in the 12th century, and he did things like recite the entire Book of Psalms every day, deny himself food to feel closer to God, and exorcise demons from possessed people. He often met with a hermit named Godric and discussed "heavenly mysteries." When Robert died on June 7, 1159, Godric "saw his soul ascending to heaven like a ball of fire."
I wish I had the faith of Robert of Newminster. However, right now, I find myself full of doubt and worry. I know, in comparison to 99% of the people on this planet, I'm a very blessed person. I have a house, money, food, cars, jobs. I can pay my bills, for the most part, without having to give up Diet Mountain Dew or Cheetos. You know, the staples. I am a blessed person. And I want to hold on to my blessings. Not let them go.
A friend once told me the opposite of faith isn't doubt. It's fear. I'm a living example of that fact. No matter how much I talk about trusting and praising God, when my wife's car pukes out (when I have to put my words into practice), I'm just as weak and afraid as the next person. Today, I have to take a leap. I have to put my trust where my mouth is, along with some cash. It's a lesson I have to learn over and over. I'm sure Robert wouldn't have struggled if his oxcart lost a wheel. or his ox died. He would have fasted, prayed, and trusted. He would also have kicked some demon ass to boot.
Robert of Newminster probably struggled, like my friend from the praise band. Like me. He was human, after all.
Saint Marty just wishes struggling wasn't so expensive.
A little song about trust...
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