Showing posts with label My Friend. Show all posts
Showing posts with label My Friend. Show all posts

Sunday, September 3, 2023

September 3: "Rain," Joseph, 13 Ways of Looking at Joseph

Wallace Stevens provided us with 13 ways of looking at a blackbird.  Mary Oliver gives us seven ways of looking at . . . 

Rain

by:  Mary Oliver

1.

All afternoon it rained, then
such power came down from the clouds
on a yellow thread,
as authoritative as God is supposed to be.
When it hit the tree, her body
opened forever.

2.  The Swamp

Last night, in the rain, some of the men climbed over
     the barbed-wire fence of the detention center.
In the darkness they wondered if they could do it, and knew
     they had to try to do it.
In the darkness they climbed the wire, handful after handful
     of barbed wire.
Even in the darkness most of them were caught and sent back
     to the camp inside.
But a few are still climbing the barbed wire, or wading through
     the blue swamp on the other side.

What does barbed wire feel like when you grip it, as though
     it were a loaf of bread, or a pair of shoes?
What does barbed wire feel like when you grip it, as though
     it were a plate and a fork, or a handful of flowers?
What does barbed wire feel like when you grip it, as though
     it were the handle of a door, working papers, a clean sheet
     you want to draw over your body?

3.  

Or this one:  on a rainy day, my uncle
lying in the flower bed,
cold and broken,
dragged from the idling car
with its plug of rags, and its gleaming
length of hose.  My father
shouted,
then the ambulance came,
then we all looked at death,
then the ambulance took him away.
From the porch of the house
I turned back once again
looking for my father, who had lingered,
who was still standing in the flowers,
who was that motionless muddy man,
who was that tiny figure in the rain.

4.  Early Morning, My Birthday

The snails on the pink sleds of their bodies are moving
     among the morning glories.
The spider is asleep among the red thumbs
     of the raspberries.
What shall I do, what shall I do?

The rain is slow.
The little birds are alive in it.
Even the beetles.

The green leaves lap it up.
What shall I do, what shall I do?

The wasp sits on the porch of her paper castle.
The blue heron floats out of the clouds.
The fish leap, all rainbow and mouth, from the dark water.

This morning the water lilies are no less lovely, I think,
     than the lilies of Monet.
And I do not want anymore to be useful, to be docile, to lead
children out of the fields into the text
of civility to teach them that they are (they are not) better
     than the grass.

5.  At the Edge of the Ocean

I have heard this music before,
saith the body.

6.  The Garden

The kale's 
puckered sleeve,
the pepper's
hollow bell,
the lacquered onion.

Beets, borage, tomatoes.
Green beans.

I came in and I put everything
on the counter:  chives, parsley, dill,
the squash like a pale moon,
peas in their silky shoes, the dazzling
rain-drenched corn.

7.  The Forest

At night
under the trees
the black snake
jellies forward
rubbing 
roughly
the stems of the bloodroot,
the yellow leaves,
little boulders of bark,
to take off
the old life.
I don't know
if he knows
what is happening.
I don't know
if he knows
it will work.
In the distance
the moon and the stars
give a little light.
In the distance
the owl cries out.

In the distance
the owl cries out.
The snake knows 
these are the owl's woods,
these are the woods of death,
these are the woods of hardship
where you crawl and crawl,
where you live in the husks of trees,
where you lie on the wild twigs
and they cannot bear your weight,
where life has no purpose
and is neither civil nor intelligent.

Where life has no purpose,
and is neither civil nor intelligent,
it begins
to rain,
it begins
to smell like the bodies
of flowers.
At the back of the neck
the old skin splits.
The snake shivers
but does not hesitate.
He inches forward.
He begins to bleed through
like satin.




Oliver knows that rain can be cleansing and dangerous.  As authoritative as God.  Smelling like the body of flowers.  Full of barbed wire and the cries of owls.  She gives us many versions of rain, each one of them true and beautiful, in their own ways.

This afternoon, my wife, son, and I went to visit our friend, Joseph.  You may remember him from a post I wrote a couple weeks ago.  Joseph is dying.  His organs are failing.  Only 22% of his heart is working.  His doctors have told him that in about two or three weeks, he will suffer a major stroke.

And Joseph is full of happiness and gratitude and grace.

As we gathered at Joseph's house with other poet friends to pop the corks on some bottles of prosecco, I sat in the chair beside him and listened to him tell stories, share wisdom, and recite poems.  He has taught me so much about how to live well and die well.

Saint Marty would like to share 13 ways of looking at Joseph . . .

1.
An insurance guy,
milker of cows,
lover of trees,
vagabond.

2.
Popper of corks
who shares 
himself
like champagne.

3.
Father,
grandfather,
poet
with
long lungs
and strong bones.

4.
Old hippie.
Still
hates fascists,
goes barefoot
when he can.

5.
Gave up
smoking and drinking
on All Souls' Day
many years
ago.

6.
Took up
smoking and drinking
again
this St. Patrick's Day
because
he enjoyed it
so.

7.
Kicked out
of hospice
because
he wasn't 
dying
correctly.

8.
Lifelong Catholic
who prefers
Lutherans now.

9.
Read
Das Kapital
because he fell
in love
with a communist
in a forest
in Denmark.

10.
Can't remember
my son's name.
Calls him Gilead,
a balm
for soothing 
and healing.

11.
Mows his lawn
on 90-degree
days when
his body is
going out of business, 
says,
I'm a little slower now.

12.
A prophet
with visions
of his own
death
whose last days
are a 
psalm.

13.
Say it with Joseph,
say it with me:
Thank you, thank you,
thank you, thank
you, thank
you.
It sounds like 
a sparrow
taking
wing.



Wednesday, June 7, 2023

June 7: "When the Roses Speak, I Pay Attention," My Friend, Petals and Thorns

Mary Oliver takes time to listen to and smell the roses . . . 

When the Roses Speak, I Pay Attention

by:  Mary Oliver

"As long as we are able to
be extravagant we will be
hugely and damply
extravagant.  Then we will drop
foil by foil to the ground.  This
is our unalterable task, and we do it
joyfully."

And they went on.  "Listen,
the heart-shackles are not, as you think,
death, illness, pain,
unrequited hope, not loneliness but

lassitude, rue, vainglory, fear, anxiety,
selfishness."

Their fragrance all the while rising
from their blind bodies, making me
spin with joy.


The job of roses:  to be damply, joyfully extravagant in the short time they bloom.  For Oliver, roses are also a reminder of everything that would be considered anti-roses:  lassitude (a state of mental or physical weariness), rue (bitter regret), vainglory (excessive vanity), fear, anxiety and selfishness.  I know I just repeated almost half of the poem in my last couple sentences, but Oliver's message bears repeating.

You send roses to people you love.  You send roses in memory of people who've died.  Roses are put in bridal bouquets and prom corsages.  Bette Midler starred in and sang the theme song to The Rose.  Rose was JFK's mother, and Rose let Jack drown in the movie Titanic.  Then there's Rose who used to tell stories about St. Olaf, and the Rose Bowl Parade every January 1st.  Ethel Merman sang "Everything's Coming Up Roses," and Melania Trump gutted the White House Rose Garden created by Jackie Kennedy.  My sister who died last year was named Rose, and she was the sweetest, most loving person I've known.

Roses have lots of cultural meanings and uses--from the religious (rose is the color for Gaudete and Laetare Sundays) to the medicinal (ingesting rose hip is used to treat osteoarthritis).  And, of course, there are poetic roses (to quote Kurt Vonnegut's Breakfast of Champions):
Roses are red 
 And ready for plucking, 
You're sixteen, 
And ready for high school. 

In Oliver's poem, there's a huge difference between what the roses say versus what emotion their scent evokes.  Rose words are filled with darkness, pride, and envy.  Rose scents are occasions for joy.  The dichotomy is sort of striking, but also in keeping with the actual flower, which has supple, red petals and biting thorns.  

I had a long conversation with a close friend today.  This friend has been struggling a great deal in the last month or so.  It's not my place to tell my friend's story, and I won't.  But I will say it involves someone my friend loves very much who is currently suffering from severe mental illness.  My friend is in rough shape, shuttling between despair and anger and frustration and devotion.  

Faithful disciples of this blog know that I have a lot of experience dealing with mental illness in people I love.  I understand what my friend is going through, have experienced many of the same feelings over the years.  I wanted to give my friend some hope or solace today, but I know too much of the reality of mental health.  

I told my friend, "The most important thing to do right now is to remember to take care of yourself."  

I know that sounds like pretty selfish advice, but the wrecking ball that is mental illness can destroy everything in its path.  My friend needs to practice selfcare, or else my friend will end up in pieces.  I've been there.  I know.

Roses can make your day spin with joy, or they can leave you bleeding and in pain.  Love can do the same, and my friend is learning this lesson right now.  I'm not saying everyone should shut off their hearts to avoid sorrow and pain.  I'm saying that if you love, you have to be prepared for petals and thorns.

Saint Marty has the scars to prove it.



Sunday, June 4, 2023

June 4: "Self-Portrait," Grace Safaris, My Friend

Mary Oliver is still in love with life . . . 

Self-Portrait

by:  Mary Oliver

I wish I was twenty and in love with life
     and still full of beans.

Onward, old legs!
There are the long, pale dunes; on the other side
the roses are blooming and finding their labor
no adversity to the spirit.

Upward, old legs!  There are the roses, and there is the sea
shining like a song, like a body
I want to touch

though I'm not twenty
and won't be again but ah! seventy.  And still
in love with life.  And still
full of beans.


When you read a Mary Oliver poem, you get the feeling that she treated every day like an adventure in grace.  Some people go bird watching.  Others go for long hikes in nature.  I have a friend who thinks nothing of running ten miles just to clear her head.  (If I did that, my adventure would involve a trip to the ER.)  For Mary Oliver, it was hunting for grace daily.  

And by the sounds of it, Oliver didn't ever have to hunt very long.  She could step onto her front porch in the morning to enjoy her coffee, and grace would be circling overhead in the form of an eagle or hawk or heron.  A simple walk through the woods or along a river produced beaver grace and mushroom grace and black bear grace.  After her grace safaris, Oliver would go home and write poems filled with whatever grace had crossed her path that day.

Now, I know it really wasn't that simple.  Even gifted poets go through rough draft after rough draft.  Oliver's poems always seem so effortless to me, but effortlessness takes a lot of effort.  I'd like to believe her poems just sort of arrived upon her, that she just plucked them from a field, pressed them between the pages of the family Bible, and let them dry and turn into something beautiful.

That's not the way writing works.

Perhaps my blog posts seem effortless.  They aren't.  I usually start kicking around ideas early in the morning, sit down with my journal around 10 a.m., and start writing a draft.  I chip away at it all day long until it's time for me to sit down with my laptop.  Often, I've changed ideas quite a few times over the course of the day.

I'm not hunting for grace when I write.  It's nice when grace makes an appearance, but it's a rare occurrence.  For the most part, writing is hard work.  Really hard work.  When I'm in the middle of a poem or essay or blog post, I can become obsessed to the point of complete distraction.  I have stayed up until 3 a.m. working on a draft of a poem, gotten up at 6 a.m. to go to work, worked a full eight or ten hours, and then come home and worked on the poem again for another four or five hours.  If you were counting, I used forms of the word "work" four times in that last sentence.  That's a lot of work.

But I was raised by hardworking parents.  So much of what I do on the weekend doesn't feel relaxing.  For example, I don't really keep holy the Sabbath, if you'll allow me to get a little Old Testament.  God may rest on Sundays, but I've got church services to play music for, and then I need to prepare for another week of work.  Tonight, I had an online poetry workshop to lead.  (If you're still keeping count, "work" appeared three times in this paragraph.)

One of my dad's favorite sayings was, "No rest for the wicked."  I've thought about that phrase quite a bit during my time on this planet.  Does it mean that only wicked people have to work hard?  Or does it mean that wickedness is a fulltime occupation, requiring constant attention?  Maybe it's more metaphysical--once someone wicked dies, that person will never rest in peace ("rest in peace"--another saying that preoccupies me).  

My father used "no rest for the wicked" all the time.  I'd be bitching about stacks of papers I needed to grade, and he'd say it, much to my annoyance.  He'd see me hammering away on my laptop, and he'd say it.  I'd mow my lawn in 90-degree weather, and he'd say it.  Perhaps he was trying to make me feel better, as if those five little words could erase hours of sweat and toil.

This afternoon, I attended a high school graduation party for the daughter of one of my best friends.  It was at a pavilion near the shores of Lake Superior.  The day was gorgeous, temperatures hovering around 90 degrees.  There was a haze of warmth all day long.  (There are wildfires currently raging in Canada, so that may also account for some of the haze.)  

My friend has a lot of things on her plate at the moment.  She's working.  Her son just graduated from the University of Michigan at the beginning of May.  Her daughter graduated from high school a couple days ago.  In a week's time, she and her family are flying to France for a family vacation.  And her father has been struggling with his health.  (Here's where my dad would have said, "No rest for the wicked.")

My friend is a grace-seeker.  Usually, we get together once a week, early in the morning, to write.  These writing sessions, for me, are grace safaris.  They give me a little time to reflect and discover Mary Oliver moments in my life.  My friend can identify flowers and trees.  She can listen to birdsong and tell me whether I'm hearing a white-throated sparrow or a hermit thrush.  Like Oliver, my friend finds her solace in the natural world.

It was good to spend time with my friend this afternoon.  She grounds me when I'm ready to climb to the roof of the library and throw myself off of it.  I hope I do the same for her.  We are both people who have a hard time saying "no."  That means that both are lives become a little . . . frantic at times.

My friend was my grace today.

Now, my wife is asking me to take our puppy out for a walk around the backyard.

Cue Saint Marty's dad:  "No rest for the wicked."



Friday, February 22, 2019

February 22: A Bit Squalid, Packing up and Throwing Out, My Friend

Ford and Arthur on the Vogon starship . . .

Ford and Arthur stared around them.

"Well, what do you think?" said Ford.

"It's a bit squalid, isn't it?"

Spent my work day at the medical office with one of my best friends/coworkers, packing up and throwing out all kinds of shit.  It wasn't my idea of an inspiring day, and, when we were done, the whole place did look a little squalid.  Judge for yourself . . .

There's really no other way to describe the scene.  It looked like move-in or move-out day at a college dorm. 


The only thing that saved me from resorting to an overdose of sleeping pills or M&Ms was my friend.  She kept it funny and light, even when I wanted to ball into a fetal position in one of the shred bins.  Yes, I still feel like I'm tossing out my sister's legacy.  Yes, every time I came across something with her handwriting on it or in it, I wanted to hide it, keep it safe, stash it in the walls, draw a treasure map to it.  I didn't.  I threw away, with the help of my friend, who was also one of my sister's best friends, as well, so it didn't seem quite as bad.  If I had been weeding and tossing with a person who had never met my sister, I don't think it would have gone as well for me.

But my friend knew my sister.  Loved my sister.  Helped her through the last days of her life.  It was good to have her by my side today.

Saint Marty is so lucky to have such a wonderful person in his life.





Wednesday, April 18, 2018

April 18: Ahab Sitting Alone, My Friend, Saint Anthony and Bigfoot Angels

The cabin; by the stern windows; Ahab sitting alone, and gazing out.

I leave a white and turbid wake; pale waters, paler cheeks, where'er I sail. The envious billows sidelong swell to whelm my track; let them; but first I pass.

Yonder, by ever-brimming goblet's rim, the warm waves blush like wine. The gold brow plumbs the blue. The diver sun- slow dived from noon- goes down; my soul mounts up! she wearies with her endless hill. Is, then, the crown too heavy that I wear? this Iron Crown of Lombardy. Yet is it bright with many a gem; I the wearer, see not its far flashings; but darkly feel that I wear that, that dazzlingly confounds. 'Tis iron- that I know- not gold. 'Tis split, too- that I feel; the jagged edge galls me so, my brain seems to beat against the solid metal; aye, steel skull, mine; the sort that needs no helmet in the most brain-battering fight!

Dry heat upon my brow? Oh! time was, when as the sunrise nobly spurred me, so the sunset soothed. No more. This lovely light, it lights not me; all loveliness is anguish to me, since I can ne'er enjoy. Gifted with the high perception, I lack the low, enjoying power; damned, most subtly and most malignantly! damned in the midst of Paradise! Good night-good night! (waving his hand, he moves from the window.)

'Twas not so hard a task. I thought to find one stubborn, at the least; but my one cogged circle fits into all their various wheels, and they revolve. Or, if you will, like so many ant-hills of powder, they all stand before me; and I their match. Oh, hard! that to fire others, the match itself must needs be wasting! What I've dared, I've willed; and what I've willed, I'll do! They think me mad- Starbuck does; but I'm demoniac, I am madness maddened! That wild madness that's only calm to comprehend itself! The prophecy was that I should be dismembered; and- Aye! I lost this leg. I now prophesy that I will dismember my dismemberer. Now, then, be the prophet and the fulfiller one. That's more than ye, ye great gods, ever were. I laugh and hoot at ye, ye cricket-players, ye pugilists, ye deaf Burkes and blinded Bendigoes! I will not say as schoolboys do to bullies- Take some one of your own size; don't pommel me! No, ye've knocked me down, and I am up again; but ye have run and hidden. Come forth from behind your cotton bags! I have no long gun to reach ye. Come, Ahab's compliments to ye; come and see if ye can swerve me. Swerve me? ye cannot swerve me, else ye swerve yourselves! man has ye there. Swerve me? The path to my fixed purpose is laid with iron rails, whereon my soul is grooved to run. Over unsounded gorges, through the rifled hearts of mountains, under torrents' beds, unerringly I rush! Naught's an obstacle, naught's an angle to the iron way!

It is three o'clock in the afternoon at the moment as I sit here typing these words.  I'm almost at the end of my work day.  One class to teach.  Ahab, at the end of a long day, is sitting at the windows in his cabin, contemplating the setting sun, knowing full well that he is not just mad--he is madness maddened.  Driven to the edges of sanity by his need to dismember his dismemberer.  Ahab is on a straight path to Moby Dick, without swerving.

It's a strange little chapter.  Suddenly, Ishmael sinks into the background, and Melville, the omniscient narrator, takes over, stepping into Ahab's head.  Giving the reader a glimpse of the depth of his psychosis.  In some ways, it reads like a blog post.  Ahab is in his cabin, watching the sun sink into the ocean, tapping away at his laptop.  The name of his blog is probably something like, "My Lost Leg" or "Hunting the Spouting Satan" or "Vengeance and Grog."

My post this evening is simpler and more joyful.  My friend, who received bad news from Mayo Clinic earlier this week, spoke with her doctor in Green Bay today who told her that she had nothing to worry about.  A simple surgery to remove the problem from her body.  My friend is over the moon ecstatic.  She has gone from drawing up a bucket list to planning a trip to a Bigfoot convention.

I want to thank anybody and everybody who sent up positive thoughts/prayers/energy for my friend this past week.  Last night, as I was badgering my favorite saint, Anthony, I told him that my friend needed a miracle.  A bona fide miracle.  No messing around.  This afternoon, Saint Anthony came through.  The news was a bolt of joyful lightning in my phone.

So, while Ahab is contemplating death and dismemberment at sundown, I am sending praise and thank yous to the stars.  Life is so strange.  A seeming death sentence at the beginning of the week.  A hurricane of healing this midweek day.  I'm reminded of the story of the lepers cured by Christ in the Bible.  When they discover they are cured, they run away from Jesus, dancing and singing.  Only one of the lepers returns to thank Him.

Tonight, I am thanking Saint Anthony and the host of Bigfoot angels that I've sent pounding on heaven's doors these last few days.

Saint Marty is a believer.  Miracles do happen.


Wednesday, March 28, 2018

March 28: "Assemblage of Ruined Plane Parts, Vietnam Military Museum, Hanoi," Paisley Rekdal, My Friend

Assemblage of Ruined Plane
Parts, Vietnam Military
Museum, Hanoi

by:  Paisley Rekdal

My eye climbs a row of spoilers soldered
into ailerons, cracked bay doors haphazarded
into windows where every rivet bleeds
contrails of rust.  An hour ago, the doctor's wand
waved across my chest and I watched blood
on a small screen get back-sucked
into my weakened heart.  It's grown a hole
I have to monitor:  one torn flap
shuddering an infinite ellipses of gray stars
back and forth.  You're the writer, the doctor said
in French.  Tell me what you see.  Easier to stand
in a courtyard full of tourists scrying shapes
from this titanic Rorschach.  Here's a pump stub
shaped like a hand; something called,
cavernously fluted as a lobster's
abdomen.  How much work
it must have taken to drag these bits
out of pits of flame, from lake beds
and rice paddies, and stack them in layers:
the French planes heaped beneath
the American ones, while the Englishwoman
beside me peers into this mess
of metals, trying to isolate one image
from the rest.  Ski boot buckle
or tire pump, she muses at me, fossilized
shark's jaw, clothespin, wasp nest?
According to the camera, it's just a picture
changing with each angle, relic
turned to ribcage, chrome flesh
to animal:  all the mortal details
enumerated, neutered.  I watch her trace
an aluminum sheet torched across a thrust
as if wind had tossed a silk scarf
over a face.  If she pulled it back, would I find
a body foreign as my own entombed
in here, a thousand dog tags
jangling in the dark?  I tilt my head:  the vision slides
once more past me, each plane reassembling
then breaking apart.  Spikes of grief--
or is it fury?--throb across the surface.
Everything has a rip in it, a hole, a tear, the dim sounds
of something struggling to pry open
death's cracked fuselage.  White sparks,
iron trails.  My heart rustles
in its manila folder.  How the doctor smiled
at the images I fed him:  Stone towers,
a flock of backlit swallows--
                                             Now I kneel beside a cross
of blades on which the Englishwoman
tries to focus.  Do you thing I'll get it
all in the shot?  She calls as she steps back.
Steps back and back.  Something like a knife sheath.
Something like a saint's skull.  The sky
floats past, horizon sucked into it.  She won't.

_____________________________

I love this poem because it speaks to human wreckage.  To people struggling with health issues.  It challenges me to try to put a name or image to all the burned out planes and cars and loves of my life.

I have a friend who was diagnosed with breast cancer a while ago.  She's had surgery and is undergoing chemo.  Now, something is wrong with her eyes.  Her doctors think it's some kind of infection (viral or fungal).  She's lost the vision in one eye.  A day or so ago, she woke up to find the vision in her other eye hazed over.  She had another surgery today.

In a blog post she wrote a couple days ago, she said she was frightened.  She's beating cancer, but her cure may cause her to go blind.

This is what I think that poem is about.  Trying to name the unnameable.  Sorting out the wreckage.

Say some prayers for Saint Marty's friend tonight.