October 6: Good Forever and Ever, My Equilibrium, Eric Torgersen, "I Will Die in Lake Superior," Adventures of Stickman

With pained but transcendent eyes, bearded and regal, He would come down the central aisle toward Ives, and placing His wounded hands upon Ives' brow, give His blessing before taking him away, and all others who were good in the world, off into His heaven, with its four mysterious winds, where they would be joined unto Him and all that is good forever and ever, without end.

The last paragraph of the book.  Ives is sitting in church, reflecting on the events of his life.  He is in his eighties and has made peace with the world.  No longer perpetually sad, Ives has this vision in his mind of Christ coming down from the altar, toward him.  It is a moment of grace.  Ives, always a good man, even in the darkest moments of his life, is being called home, to a place where goodness resides, eternally

I really love the closing of Mr. Ives' Christmas.  It's redemptive in its imagery.  Beautiful.  Heaven is a place of great comfort and happiness.  I find great solace in Hijeulos' words.  I like to think of all the people I've lost recently in this place of goodness, forever and ever, without end.  I imagine my sister there, smiling, laughing all the time.  Who wouldn't want that?

Don't worry.  I'm not thinking of harming myself.  I've simply had a very difficult evening, containing a lot of conflict with family members.  I'm not going to discuss blame, point fingers.  That's not the raison d'etre of this post.  No, I'm just trying to find my goodness, reclaim my equilibrium.  The best way I know to find balance is through writing and reading.

An hour ago, I was furious, threatening to cut off ties with certain people in my life.  Now, after siting here for a little while, reading poetry and listening to some Mozart, I am not in a homicidal state of mind any more.  With each word I type, I find myself becoming calmer.

That doesn't mean that I'm going to apologize for anything I said or did this evening.  I have done nothing wrong.  Other people may feel differently, and I'm fine with that.  I am not responsible for other people's emotions or beliefs.  I know I'm a good person.  Maybe not as good as Ives, but good enough.

Perhaps that's best I can do.  Good enough.  Despite the name of this blog, I am no saint.  More like a saint-in-training.  Maybe some saints were born fully-formed, holy and ready to evangelize.  I am not one of those saints.  But I do believe in the inherent goodness of people, to paraphrase Anne Frank.

This saint-in-training is going to make himself a drink now, find a little liquid goodness.

I Will Die in Lake Superior

by:  Eric Torgersen

I will die in Lake Superior on an August night,
naked because it is dark
and I ran out of the sauna, all rosy and wrinkly
in the candlelight of the cabin,
though in the dark outside no one will see,
not even I in my last moments--
thin moon, stars all blazing and boiling
like I'm Vincent van Gogh,
but I will have left my glasses in the bathroom.

I'll feel that first chill grip as I hit the water,
and think, "My heart is pounding,
as it should be"; then I'll dive in and go under,
once, again, and a third time
as the pounding grows, as if something
really large means to be let in.
I'll turn to go back, but the dim light of the cabin
will get farther and farther away,
as if I were carried off by some huge wave.

Adventures of STICKMAN