October 16: Decent People, Grieving and Struggling, Psalm 100, Adventures of Stickman

Ives' sister, Katherine, came to stay in the apartment and cooked their meals; Harry had flown in from San Diego with his third young pretty wife, and he dealt with the situation by giving Ives a check for a thousand dollars to help defray costs, and said things like "Why you brought the kid up around here, in these times, is beyond me," again and again, a sentiment that Annie's family shared, in their opinion it seemed incomprehensible that decent people would even want to subject themselves to the noise and filth of the city, let alone expose themselves to the potential for violence.

In the aftermath of Robert's murder, Ives' family members try to help in their, sometimes, misguided ways.  His sister cooks and cleans, takes care of everyday necessities.  His brother provides money and plenty of guilt.  His in-laws bring helpings of intolerance and judgement into the equation.  In the wake of tragedy, there are no perfect responses.  In fact, tragedy seems to magnify weaknesses and flaws in survivors.

In the wake of my sister's death, everyone in my immediate family is struggling.  One of my sisters has been wracked with guilt, and it manifests as incredible anger.  Another of my sisters confessed to my wife that she feels "choked by death."  She spends her days thinking about my parents, who are in their eighties, and my sister with Down Syndrome.  She sees the specter of death lurking in the shadows of every room.  Me?  I alternate between sadness, anger, dismay, more anger.  Depends on the time of day.  I find it difficult being around my family at times.  I get impatient very quickly.

The most difficult part of grieving for my sister is the anger.  I'm pissed at her.  She was always a person whom I could count on when I ran into difficulties.  A voice of reason with a generous heart.  Once, when my sister found out I was struggling financially, a few hundred dollars suddenly appeared in my checking account.  She listened to my complaints about work and school, and I listened to her worries about her job.  Now, I'm pissed that all that is gone from my life.

My family has gone a little crazy.  I, myself, feel a little off-center.  And we aren't getting better.  We''re getting crazier.  There's a whole lot of resentment and not a whole lot of honesty going around.  On good days, I can do my time around my family and then retreat without a fight.  On bad days, I brood and bite my tongue.  I have only once let my true feelings surface, and it wasn't pretty.

I am including a happy psalm this evening.  A song of praise.  I figured it couldn't hurt.

Saint Marty hopes to keep his mouth shut and his feelings repressed this weekend.  You know, a normal Saturday and Sunday.

Psalm 100

A Psalm of Praise

Make a joyful noise unto the LORD, all ye lands.

2.  Serve the LORD with gladness:  come before his presence with singing.

3.  Know ye that the LORD he is God:  it is he that hath made us, and not we ourselves; we are his people, and the sheep of his pasture.

4.  Enter into his gates with thanksgiving, and into his courts with praise:  be thankful unto him, and bless his name.

5.  For the LORD is good; his mercy is everlasting; and his truth endureth to all generations.

Adventures of STICKMAN