November 19: The Judges' Booth, Being Observed, Nerves

"Attention please!" [the voice on the loud speaker] said.  "Will Mr. Homer Zuckerman bring his famous pig to the judges' booth in front of the grandstand.  A special award will be made there in twenty minutes.  Everyone is invited to attend.  Crate your pig, please, Mr. Zuckerman, and report to the judges' booth promptly!"

That announcement begins Wilbur's hour of triumph.  His fifteen minutes of fame that will save his life.  Charlotte's trick has worked, and Wilbur is no longer in danger of being turned into Christmas dinner.  Of course, Wilbur did lose the initial judging.  Uncle, the pig in the pen beside him, has won the blue ribbon.  So, the moment is a mixture of defeat and victory.


I hate being judged about anything.  My job performance.  My writing.  My piano playing.  It's not a pleasant thing to feel as though my every move is under scrutiny.  Unfortunately, in the work world and academic world, judgement is an inherent part of the whole process.

Tonight, I'm being observed by another English Department faculty member.  He's a really nice guy, and he's stopped by my office a couple of times to assure me that this is not going to be a stressful experience.  In fact, in our first conversation, he said, "I could write your evaluation right now, but I guess we should go through with the formalities."

I am, however, very nervous.  I will be breathing easier in about an hour-and-a-half.  That's when the movie will start, the observation will be over, and I will be able to sit back and relax a little bit.  Until then, I'm in survival mode.  I have to perform well, not look nervous, and present an engaging lesson.  No problem.

Excuse Saint Marty now.  He has to go to the restroom and throw up.

Not sure if I'm the pot or the kettle

May 22: Cracking Jokes, Terror, Interview

Scrooge was not much in the habit of cracking jokes, nor did he feel, in his heart, by any means waggish then.  The truth is, that he tried to be smart, as a means of distracting his own attention, and keeping his terror; for the spectre's voice disturbed the very marrow in his bones.

Scrooge, confronted by the ghost of his dead business partner, is terrified.  Instead of pissing his nightshirt and fainting, which would have been my reaction in the given situation, Scrooge uses another defense mechanism:  sarcasm and humor.  He makes fun of Jacob Marley's ghost, even taunts him.  Of course, Jacob doesn't take very kindly to Scrooge's barbs, and he soon has Scrooge cowering in his chair.

I'm very much like Scrooge when I find myself in uncomfortable places.  I use humor to deflect my anxiety.  The more nervous I am, the funnier I try to be.  Thank goodness, I am blessed with the ability to think pretty quickly on my feet.  I use this talent in the classroom, in social situations, in more formal events (like poetry readings or panel discussions), and in interviews.  If I start making fun of myself, I'm nervous.

I have to do a podcast interview this afternoon.  The interview is to promote the 2012 U. P. Book Tour, of which I'm a part.  I'm supposed to talk about the Book Tour and myself, and, I guess, attract/entice people to come to the events I'm appearing at.  In the process, I'm also supposed to be witty and charming.  It's kind of a tall order.  Needless to say, I'm a little nervous about the whole prospect.

The only bright side is that the person doing the interview is someone I know (the brother of a old friend of mine).  That makes the process a little less nerve-wracking.  That's not to say I won't be a stuttering mess, but at least I'll be stuttering mess with someone I know.

I'm currently dosing myself with caramel-infused brownie, which does absolutely nothing for my jitters except provide a pleasant, sugar-coated caffeine buzz.  I contemplating eating two or three more of them.  If I do that, I'll either sound like a coke-addict during the interview, or I'll slip into a diabetic coma and miss the entire thing.

Saint Marty needs to find his inner-Johnny Carson today.

Heeeeeere's Saint Marty!

May 8: Poetry Reading, Mother's Day, Shrine Circus

There are a couple of things going on tonight.

First, the Shrine Circus is in town.  Second, I committed myself to reading some poems at a Mother/Daughter dinner at a local Lutheran church tonight.  Actually, a good friend asked me to write something for the dinner (the theme is "Daughter's in God's Garden"), and then she asked me to read the poem to the gathering.

I did write a new poem titled "The Garden of Eve."  I will share that poem with you, my disciples, on Mother's Day.  However, I decided that one poem wasn't enough.  I selected two other poems to read.  Both have to do with mothers and daughters.  Both have garden imagery in them.  They'll work really well.

I'm a little disappointed that I don't get to take my daughter to the circus.  It was my turn.  I really like spending time with her, when she's not a hormonal pre-tween.  But, a commitment is a commitment.  My wife will be escorting our daughter to the big top this evening, and I will be sharing poetry with a conclave of mothers and daughters.

It's been a while since I've read poetry in front of a group, so my nerves are beginning to get the better of me.  I've made mistakes in the past, read poems that weren't received very well by my audience.  (One poem, in particular, got me banned from a local bookstore.  The manager even refused to carry my book.  It's a long story.)  I think all three of the poems I picked for tonight are appropriate.  No talk of testicles or vulvas or dead birds.

Saint Marty has gotten much wiser over the years.



I will be the clown reading poetry tonight



February 9: Mad-Libs, Rhyme, Nerves

I've spent most of the day working on my poetry lesson for the second graders tomorrow afternoon.  I had this huge idea of teaching them about rhyme and word play.  Sounds really good, doesn't it?  I mean, I've done lessons about simile and metaphor.  I've done lessons about color poetry.  I've done lessons about concrete imagery.  I just thought it would be fun to tackle sound and rhyme.

Sort of looks like me right now

Well, when I started putting it all together, it wasn't that simple.  I'm using Dr. Seuss' book If I Ran the Zoo, which is a good start.  Then I got stuck.  I couldn't figure an easy way to have the kids concentrate on language/words.  I ended up with a sort of mad-lib exercise that may be a little too advanced for second graders.  I'm hoping not.

Tonight I have to put together my visual aids.  Poster board stuff.  I don't mind doing it, but it's time consuming.  I'm hoping to get it done early, because I still have to work on my wife's resumes and cover letters for a couple of prospective jobs.  My nerves and anxiety are getting the better of me right now.

Saint Marty needs to relax a little bit.