Showing posts with label Nursing Home. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Nursing Home. Show all posts

Sunday, May 12, 2024

May 12: "Covid," Mother's Day, "Mother's Day Shopping"

Pandemic Billy Collins . . . 

Covid

by: Billy Collins

Another long day
at home.

I set my phone
on Airplane Mode.



I know this is a strange poem to include in a Mother's Day post.  (For my international disciples, the United States sets aside the second Sunday of May as a day to celebrate mothers and motherhood.)  Yet, there's something in this poem that makes me think of my mom.

Even before the pandemic forced us all into isolation, my mother wasn't doing well.  If memory serves, she fell at home some months into COVID and ended up in the hospital.  From there, she was transferred to a long-term care facility.  So, I didn't see much of her near the end of her life.

It's hard for me to believe that she's been gone for almost three years.  In temperament and personality, I think I take after my mother more than my father.  She was open-minded and loving.  I rarely saw her get angry.  And she was quick to spot the ridiculous in life.  I once read her an Anne Sexton poem when I was an undergraduate, and she laughed her ass off.  (My mom was the first person who taught me that poetry can be funny.)

Every Mother's Day, I share a poem I wrote many years ago for my mom.  It ended up being the poem I read at her funeral:

Heart to Heart

by: Martin Achatz

Luke says Mary kept every-
thing—angels roaring in
the night, shepherds crawling
through dung and hay, camels,
comets—all these things,
gospels and gospels, stored in
the four chambers of her heart.
I wonder if Einstein’s mother
had room enough in her
ventricles for quanta and
atoms, light’s slow passage
through the eye of the universe.
Or Darwin’s mother enough
space in her atria for
all the creatures of the Galapagos—
tortoises and iguanas, butter-
flies and cormorants. Lincoln’s
mother died before she had
to squeeze Gettysburg and
emancipation under her ribs,
and I believe Shakespeare’s
mother departed this mortal
coil without Romeo or
the Globe nestled beneath
her breast. My mother is
still packing things in
the attic of her chest. Just
yesterday, she asked me if
I still write poems. Yes, I told
her. I’m writing a poem
about you right now,
I said. She nodded, looked away.
I imagined her opening a box
with my name on it, wrapping
this poem in newspaper, placing
it beside the lanyard I made
for her in third grade, closing
the box again, putting it
back on the shelf in her bosom.
When she gets to heaven,
my mother will meet Mary
on a street corner,
and they’ll unpack their
hearts. This, mother will
say, is a poem my son wrote
me for Mother’s Day. Mary
will hold out her hand, show
my mother the first tooth
her son lost, a tiny grain
of enamel in her palm. They
will find a diner to have
coffee together. They will sit
in a booth, brag about how
their kids changed the world.


I know most kids say this, but my mom was a hero, raising nine kids, helping my dad run his plumbing business, volunteering at church, advocating for parents with special needs children.  She did it all with grace and compassion.

Saint Marty wishes all the hero mothers reading this post a Happy Mother's Day.

Mother's Day Shopping

by: Martin Achatz

I stand in front
of the Mother's Day cards
the day before, feeling
like a hyena sniffing
a zebra carcass, knowing
all the good parts have
already been scavenged
by vulture sons for their moms.


Tuesday, August 29, 2017

August 29: Golliwog, Unstuck Mind, Memory Wing

The barbershop quartet on the airplane was singing, "Wait Till the Sun Shines, Nelly," when the plane smacked into the top of Sugarbush Mountain, Vermont.  Everybody was killed but Billy and the copilot.  So it goes.

The people who first got to the crash scene were young Austrian ski instructors from the famous ski resort below.  They spoke to each other in German as they went from body to body.  They wore black wind masks with two holes for their eyes and a red topknot.  They looked like golliwogs, like white people pretending to be black for the laughs they could get.

Billy had a fractured skull, but he was still conscious.  He didn't know where he was.  His lips were working, and one of the golliwogs put his ear close to them to hear what might be his dying words.

Billy thought the golliwog had something to do with World War Two, and he whispered to him his address:  "Schlachthof-funf."

Billy hasn't jumped in time.  He's surrounded by people speaking German, and he has a head injury.  He thinks he's back in Slaughterhouse Five, maybe after the bombing of Dresden.  He knew his plane was going to crash.  He knew he was going to survive, too.  Yet, he's unstuck in time and memory.

My father is still in the hospital downstate.  He's been diagnosed with Alzheimer's.  Currently, we are working on a discharge plan.  That plan involves placement in the memory wing of a nursing home.  My father is not going to take this news well.  He's a very proud man.  Admitting that his mind is somehow unstuck is not something he'll do.  Ever.

I know that this moment has been coming for quite some time.  His behavior has changed quite a bit over the last year.  More forgetfulness.  More angry physical outbursts.  More limitations.  Yet, it's difficult for me to think of him so diminished.  As I've said in previous posts, my dad has always been larger than life in my eyes.  Strong.  Invincible.  Immortal, almost.

I know my situation isn't unusual.  Many adult children have to face this decision when the needs of their parents become too much to handle at home.  Perhaps it would be more of a blessing if my father's mind were a little more unstuck, so that he wouldn't realize what's happening.  Maybe it already is.  For all I know, my father has been time jumping since I was a baby.  That would be a blessing.

Me?  I'm stuck in the present, which kind of sucks right now.

Tonight, Saint Marty is having a hard time finding something to be thankful for, except the spaghetti he had for dinner.


Friday, June 2, 2017

June 2: All the Possibility, Les Murray, "Nursing Home"

Yes, I just came back from a graduation party.  So many young people in shorts and tee-shirts, walking around, trying to act like adults.  It was sort of intoxicating, the memory of that kind of hope.  All the possibility of those last days of high school, when teachers and parents and aunts and uncles are telling you that you can do anything.  Anything at all.

On the other side of the coin, there's the elderly, at the end of their long journeys.  They have done it all.  Seen it all.  But nobody wants to listen to them any more.

Maybe, as part of graduating from high school, every senior should be required to visit a nursing home and talk to at least ten residents.  Ask them about their lives.  Ask them for advice.  Thank them for making the world a better place.

Saint Marty thinks the class could be called "Growing Up 101."

Nursing Home

by:  Les Murray

Ne tibi supersis:
don't outlive yourself,
panic, or break a hip
or spit purée at the staff
at the end of gender,
never a happy ender -

yet in the pastel light
of indoors, there is a lady
who has distilled to love
beyond the fall of memory.

She sits holding hands
with an ancient woman
who calls her brother and George
as bees summarize the garden.


Sunday, March 27, 2016

March 27: Hallelujah, Easter Sunday, Resurrection, Classic Saint Marty

Hallelujah!  Jesus is alive!

Yes, it is Easter Sunday, and,  for Christians all over the world, today is all about light and salvation.  For my non-Christian disciples, I wish you all warmth, sunlight, and peace.  After all, that's what it's all about, isn't it?

On Easter Sunday last year, I was visiting my sister in a nursing home.  This was before she was diagnosed with lymphoma, when we all thought she would be walking out of that place on her own two legs.  I remember sitting with her, watching TV.  My family and I brought her some Dove chocolate eggs.  She didn't eat them.  She'd been throwing up all day.

I was talking to my wife this morning on the way to church.  I told her that it still seems a little unreal to me--my sister being gone.  I spent so much of my life with her over the last 17 years.  She was my boss.  She was my sister. I worked with her for eight to ten hours a day, five days a week.  On weekends, I went out to eat with her.  Birthday parties.  Baptisms.  First Communions.  Christmases.  Easters.  We were with each other a lot.

My wife, sitting in the car beside me, nodded.  "I know what you mean," she said.

I still look for her car when I go to work.  Every once in a while, I think that I hear her voice singing in church when I'm playing the organ.  Today, I think of her smile when we entered her room in the nursing home last year.  I can still see her looking at my son (who was six at the time) and saying, "Happy Easter, little man!"

Yes, as a Christian, I believe in resurrection and salvation.  I honestly believe that my sister is dancing with Jesus today.  Celebrating with the angels.

That doesn't make me miss her any less.

Today's episode of Classic Saint Marty first aired around three years ago, on another Easter Sunday.

March 31, 2013:  Easter

Christ is risen!  Christ is risen indeed!

That was the greeting in church this morning.  I was picking my way across an icy parking lot on my way to the Easter Sunrise service, and a gentleman I know called out to me, "Christ is risen!"  Without missing a beat, I called back, "Christ is risen indeed!"

It's something I learned from the Methodist church.  I don't recall ever hearing anyone using that particular exchange in the Catholic churches I attended as a child.  I think it might sound a little too Pentecostal.  Anything that even hints at arm raising and speaking in tongues is a little suspicious in Catholic circles.  We're more of the candle-lighting, falling-asleep-in-the-pew brand of Christians.

One of my favorite things about Easter is the variety of worship services that take place during the week leading up to today.  There's the dark and solemn (Good Friday).  There's the procession from darkness to light (Easter Vigil).  And then there's raucous and loud (Easter Sunday).  There are many opportunities to feel the presence of the Holy Spirit during Holy Week.

The only problem is that I'm usually pretty tired come Easter Sunday afternoon.  It's all the music and worship, late nights and early mornings.  For instance, I got home from the Easter Vigil at around 11 p.m. last night.  I got to bed around 12:30 a.m., and my alarm went off at 6:30 this morning.  I was at church by 7:15 a.m. to get ready for the Easter Sunrise service at eight o'clock.  This service, which I thought was going to be just left of disaster for various complicated reasons, turned out to be the most beautiful and meaningful.  The readings, music, and message all rocked.

I've had a great Lenten/Easter season.  Lots of surprising God moments.  It's sort of been like today's weather.  Cold and windy sometimes.  Blue sky and sun right now.  That's what it's all about.  Periods of desert and periods of communion.

Christ is risen, Saint Marty.  He's risen indeed.



Wednesday, April 15, 2015

April 15: Like Drowning, My Dad, Incredible Guilt

Ives and Annie slept, entangled in each other's arms, their daughter sleeping alone.  Ives wold get up a half-dozen times a night to make sure that she was resting.  And every so often he would push the door open, intending to turn the radio off, but would find himself standing silently over her, his heart breaking whenever he would think about how much Robert's death must have pained her.  And he would sometimes move closer, and, brushing aside the hair that fell over her brow, plant a tender kiss on her forehead.  He would hear her sigh . . . You know what it was like?  It was like drowning.

This paragraph comes shortly after Ives' son, Robert, is murdered.  It's always a difficult passage for me to read because it's full of so much pain.  I have done what Ives is doing:  standing by my daughter's bed, watching her sleep.  It's that parental impulse of wanting to protect your child from any harm, any heartbreak.  And not being able to.


My dad visits my sister every day in the nursing home.  He drives there for lunch and stays several hours.  It's really all he can do to help her.  He doesn't understand medicine or surgery or treatment.  In fact, I would say that he has a severe distrust of doctors and nurses and the medical establishment.  Understandably.  The healthcare system for which my sister worked fired her for getting a prolonged sickness.  The doctors have really done nothing to help her.  Now, she's looking at a long-term stay in a nursing home.

My dad comes from the same generation as Ives.  Hardworking.  Devout.  Protective.  My sister's situation is tearing him apart.  He knows she can't come home in her current state, but he doesn't want to see her flat on her back in a hospital bed all day, every day, either.  As a father, it's a terrible position to be in.

I have incredible guilt at the moment.  I feel like I should be doing more to help my sister, and, yet, I have to work and teach.  My family depends on my paychecks for survival.  I don't have a whole lot of freedom in my life.  I want to be her advocate, hound the lawyer and social worker and doctors.  Yet, I can't do it all on my lunch break or after work.

It feels like all I can do is be like Ives:  stand by my sister's bed, watch her sleep, pray.

Saint Marty feels like he's drowning a little bit tonight, too.


Don't know how long I can hold my breath

Monday, April 13, 2015

April 13: Visiting My Sister, Low Blood Sugar, "Ives" Dip

You'll pardon me if my thoughts seem a little disjointed or non-jointed this evening.  I just got my son to bed, and my blood sugar is hovering around 45 at the moment.  For those readers who are not diabetic or are unfamiliar with normal blood glucose levels, most non-diabetics have blood sugars between 70 and 110.  Hence, my slightly incoherent coherence right now.

I went to visit my sister in the nursing home this evening.  She was in good spirits, or she was faking it really well.  The latest news on her health front is that she will be going to Mayo Clinic for her parathyroid surgery.  The social worker at the nursing home is working on transportation (an ambulance) and insurance issues.

Frankly, I don't know how my sister can stand being in that place, not that she has a choice.  There are people in wheelchairs roaming the hallways, moaning and screaming.  My sister keeps her room door closed to discourage unwanted visitors.  The walls are painted cinder block, and the air is perfumed with the scents of urine and feces at times.

Which brings me to my Ives dip question:

Will my sister ever come home from the nursing home?

And the answer is:

". . . Just remember, if you don't take care of business, no one else will.  Do you really think God gives a shit?"

As a matter of fact, I DO think God gives a shit.  I have to.  I know that my sister isn't walking out of that place without some serious medical intervention, but I believe God IS watching out for her.  If He wasn't, she would already be dead.


Saint Marty's blood sugar is coming up.  He can actually focus on the computer screen now.

Good advice this evening...

Wednesday, April 1, 2015

April 1: A Worry, God's Love Number Forty-Three, My Sister

If they had a worry, it was about Carmen, who seemed not long for the world, but she felt insulted at the notion that she would "suddenly" die after having coped with one thing or the other for the past seven years and had practically gotten out of bed to run out around the block to make sure that her American friends had some happiness, by way of their late-life journey.  And they left sadly, reluctantly, feeling as if they might never see her alive again.

Carmen is dying.  Ives and his wife know it.  They have a trip to England planned, but they know that, if they go, they will never see her again.  She is that ill.  Like any good friend, Carmen insists that her friends go on their journey.  It's important to her.  So, Ives and Annie leave.

It's difficult having a close friend or family member who's gravely ill.  The world seems to stop, waiting for the inevitable.  Trips are canceled.  Holidays are ignored.  Happiness takes a holiday.  Carmen knows this, but she refuses to let her loved ones stop living.

My sister is still in a nursing home.  She's not getting any better.  All she does, all day long, is lie in her bed, stare at the ceiling, and cry.  My sister is tough.  Really tough.  A friend visited her this weekend in the nursing home, and my sister told her, "They might as well just throw me in a hole and bury me."

Yesterday, however, we got some promising news.  A doctor did an ultrasound of my sister's parathyroid.  It seems that it has been spewing out calcium at unbelievable levels, which, among other things, results in loss of muscle tone.  The doctor believes this condition explains my sister's current state.  No strength.  Excruciating pain.  Long story short, my sister is having another surgery next week to remove her parathyroid.  While the recovery is still going to be long and hard, there is now hope for recovery.

That's God's love number forty-three:  hope for my sister.  She will get better.  She will walk out of that nursing home.  She will come home.  Of course, her life will be drastically different than what it was, but she will have a life.

That's what Saint Marty is holding onto tonight.

Who knew such a little thing could cause so much misery?

Friday, March 27, 2015

March 27: Visiting My Sister, Elizabeth Bishop, "I Am in Need of Music"

After I am done typing this post, I'm going to visit my sister in the nursing home.  She's been there for almost three weeks now, with no end in sight.  She's not getting better, doesn't see her doctor until April, and can barely get out of bed.  After months of being, basically, bed-ridden, she's lost a lot of muscle tone.

It's not going to be an easy visit.  She's gone from being a woman who ran an entire surgery center with a staff of ten people to being an invalid.  I don't know what to do for her, except pray.  She's lost her job.  She's filing for disability. And it doesn't look like she's ever going to come home.

The whole situation keeps me awake at night sometimes.  Fills my days with worry.

Saint Marty finds a little comfort in the poem below.

I Am in Need of Music

by:  Elizabeth Bishop

I am in need of music that would flow
Over my fretful, feeling fingertips,
Over my bitter-tainted, trembling lips,
With melody, deep, clear, and liquid-slow.
Oh, for the healing swaying, old and low,
Of some song sung to rest the tired dead,
A song to fall like water on my head,
And over quivering limbs, dream flushed to glow!

There is a magic made by melody:
A spell of rest, and quiet breath, and cool
Heart, that sinks through fading colors deep
To the subaqueous stillness of the sea,
And floats forever in a moon-green pool,
Held in the arms of rhythm and of sleep.

Yes, that is comforting

Friday, March 6, 2015

March 6: Nursing Home, Rita Dove, "Your Death"

Last night, my sister--early fifties, photographic memory, stubborn as an iceberg--was transferred from the hospital to a nursing home.  She certainly didn't want to go there, but I think she also knows it was the only real alternative that would keep her safe.  That's doesn't make it any easier.

I've been thinking about her all day.  A year ago, she was in charge of an outpatient surgery center, supervising around ten employees.  She knew every aspect of the place, from registering the patients to sterilizing the instruments to circulating the operating room.  She was someone who solved problems, helped people.  Now, she can't even get out of bed by herself.

I'm telling myself this is a temporary situation.  She'll get better and soon be able to come home.  But she will be unemployed.  Probably on disability.  And the surgery center, which she literally built from blueprints to grand opening, will be under another person's direction.

There's no happily ever after in this post. No punchline.  Sorry.

Saint Marty doesn't even have a happy Rita Dove poem tonight.

Your Death

by:  Rita Dove

On the day that will always belong to you,
lunar clockwork had faltered
and I was certain.  Walking
the streets of Manhattan I thought:
Remember this day.  I felt already
like an urn, filling with wine.

To celebrate, your son and I
took a stroll through Bloomingdale's
where he developed a headache
among the copper skillets and
tiers of collapsible baskets.
Pain tracked us through
the china, driving us
finally to the subway
and home,

where the phone was ringing
with bad news.  Even now,
my new daughter
asleep in the crib, I can't shake
the moment his headache stopped
and the day changed ownership.
I felt robbed.  Even the first
bite of the tuna fish sandwich
I had bought at the corner
became yours.


Not tonight, anyway