Anyway, as soon as I got my breath back I ran across Route 204. It was icy as hell and I damn near fell down. I don't even know what I was running for--I guess I just felt like it. After I got across the road, I felt like I was sort of disappearing. It was that kind of a crazy afternoon, terrifically cold, and no sun out or anything, and you felt like you were disappearing every time you crossed a road.
It's snowing again in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan. It's an end-of-winter snowstorm that makes me think the sun is never going to appear again, that it's been swallowed up by cloud and cold forever. I know how Holden feels in the above passage. I look outside, and the world has disappeared again into white. In the fall, snow seems cleansing and clean. Now, snow seems like a cruel joke, as if someone is throwing a blanket over my head as I'm trying to get out of bed.
Matthew Gavin Frank tells a story about the genesis of his new collection of poems, The Morrow Plots. He was living in a summer community in upstate New York, teaching at a nearby college. During the warm months, the town was a thriving tourist attraction, with amusement park rides and boaters and a hedge maze. When the cold and snow descended on the hamlet, it was deserted, frozen in isolation. It was during this time when he became homesick for the Midwest where he grew up. He started Googling famous landmarks in Illinois and eventually discovered the Morrow Plots, which he describes as "a now-revered series of soil plots upon which agricultural experiments could be conducted" on the grounds of the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign. The Plots were established in 1876 and became a National Historic Landmark in 1968. Frank began tilling this sacred ground and found this book.
The poems in The Morrow Plots are unstable, moving back in forth in time and character. Each line is a sprouting seed, an experiment in astronomy and agriculture and identity. The poems aren't easy. They're intelligent and confounding, tests of sound and emotion, syntax and line. Much like its namesake, the book creates fields of scientific beauty and mystery in the reader's heart and mind. To pick one poem to highlight here is like choosing one ear of corn from a silken Greek chorus crop. Each poem, shucked and exposed, is both frightening and tender. One of my favorites is titled "Breadbasket":
Breadbasket
I have not eaten for days.
It is common--this notion of what happens
under each tooth.
A coven of molecules burning
with the wet hay of the harvest.
As I chew on the air, I feel, under my
shirt, the metal cold
of a dying girl's hands.
When the diner reopens, I will eat,
visit my friends in the hospital,
a sick doctor losing himself
in the fluorescent light
while shaving the chest
of a broken farmer.
On an empty stomach,
there is a fullness to sitting on the roof
of a building dedicated to the study of life,
the wet-eyed edges of things
that could be the falling of a student chorus,
could be the corn
gently blown, the statue
of a Huguenot lost in Illinois.
Up here, strangely un-hungry,
height and food have fused. My body,
this thick bag for transience.
Matt Gavin Frank stuns me, over and over, with his poems in The Morrow Plots. It is not a comfortable stun. More like the stun of an icy wind on a November night or the slap of a cornstalk on a sunburned shoulder. The pain is transient. The payoff is dark and bracing truth, as lasting as the Morrow Plots themselves.
Like Holden Caulfield running across Route 204, Saint Marty can feel himself disappearing into The Morrow Plots, becoming a part of a larger story, both individual and universal.
The Confessions of Saint Marty
Poet...Musician...Thinker...Blogger...Teacher...Husband...Father...I'm not perfect, but I try!
Showing posts with label Disappearing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Disappearing. Show all posts
Saturday, April 13, 2013
Thursday, February 21, 2013
February 21: Allie, Disappearing, Angels
Anyway, I kept walking and walking up Fifth Avenue, without any tie on or anything. Then all of a sudden, something very spooky started happening. Every time I came to the end of a block and stepped off the goddam curb, I had this feeling that I'd never get to the other side of the street. I thought I'd just go down, down, down, and nobody'd ever see me again. Boy, did it scare me. You can't imagine. I started sweating like a bastard--my whole shirt and underwear and everything. Then I started doing something else. Every time I'd get to the end of a block I'd make believe I was talking to my brother Allie. I'd say to him, "Allie, don't let me disappear. Allie, don't let me disappear. Allie, don't let me disappear. Please, Allie." And then when I'd reach the other side of the street without disappearing, I'd thank him. Then it would start all over again as soon as I got to the next corner. But I kept going and all. I was sort of afraid to stop, I think--I don't remember, to tell you the truth.
This passage comes near the conclusion of The Catcher in the Rye. Holden is almost at the end of his rope, headed toward a mental breakdown that will land him in a hospital. He's physically ill, feeling abandoned/alone. In an earlier part of the novel, he describes how he wants to be the catcher, saving children who are about to plunge off the cliff at the edge of the field of rye. Now, Holden is at the edge of the cliff, and he's calling on his brother, Allie, to save him from going down, down, down. To save him from disappearing.
I think we all have angels we call upon in times of great stress and trouble. Holden's angel is Allie, his brother who died of leukemia. I always find this moment in Holden's tale a little heartbreaking. Allie's death was, in a lot of ways, the start of Holden's downward spiral. The amount of love and loss that are expressed in the above passage are immense.
My mother-in-law died before my wife and I married. She was a wonderful woman, full of laughter and life, and she loved her three daughters fiercely. When we put the decorations on our tree every Christmas, there are certain ornaments that receive special places. Those ornaments were made by my wife's mother. A picture of her hangs on our living room wall. She's laughing, her face a vision of joy, no shadow of her future illness present. That's the way I remember her. Joyful.
Last night, my daughter was sitting next to my wife on our couch. We were watching Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. Sirius, Harry's godfather, had just been killed, and my daughter looked up at my wife and said, "Do you miss your mommy?"
My wife looked up at her mother's picture hanging above the entertainment center. "Every day," my wife said. "I think about her and miss her every day."
My daughter leaned her head on my wife's shoulder. "I'm glad you're still here with me," she said.
"So am I," my wife said. "So am I."
I know my mother-in-law would have loved my daughter and son just as fiercely as she loved her daughters. She would have laughed with them and played with them. She would have been in the front row at each of my daughter's dance recitals. I have no doubt of that.
My mother-in-law's memory and spirit are guiding angels in my house. From the times we share just sitting on the couch, watching TV together, to the trips to get ice cream on hot summer nights, she's watching over us. I truly believe she has held my family together, through my wife's mental illness and sexual addiction, through the lean times and the times of abundance. She's with us. Every day.
She has kept Saint Marty's family from disappearing.
This passage comes near the conclusion of The Catcher in the Rye. Holden is almost at the end of his rope, headed toward a mental breakdown that will land him in a hospital. He's physically ill, feeling abandoned/alone. In an earlier part of the novel, he describes how he wants to be the catcher, saving children who are about to plunge off the cliff at the edge of the field of rye. Now, Holden is at the edge of the cliff, and he's calling on his brother, Allie, to save him from going down, down, down. To save him from disappearing.
I think we all have angels we call upon in times of great stress and trouble. Holden's angel is Allie, his brother who died of leukemia. I always find this moment in Holden's tale a little heartbreaking. Allie's death was, in a lot of ways, the start of Holden's downward spiral. The amount of love and loss that are expressed in the above passage are immense.
My mother-in-law died before my wife and I married. She was a wonderful woman, full of laughter and life, and she loved her three daughters fiercely. When we put the decorations on our tree every Christmas, there are certain ornaments that receive special places. Those ornaments were made by my wife's mother. A picture of her hangs on our living room wall. She's laughing, her face a vision of joy, no shadow of her future illness present. That's the way I remember her. Joyful.
Last night, my daughter was sitting next to my wife on our couch. We were watching Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. Sirius, Harry's godfather, had just been killed, and my daughter looked up at my wife and said, "Do you miss your mommy?"
My wife looked up at her mother's picture hanging above the entertainment center. "Every day," my wife said. "I think about her and miss her every day."
My daughter leaned her head on my wife's shoulder. "I'm glad you're still here with me," she said.
"So am I," my wife said. "So am I."
I know my mother-in-law would have loved my daughter and son just as fiercely as she loved her daughters. She would have laughed with them and played with them. She would have been in the front row at each of my daughter's dance recitals. I have no doubt of that.
My mother-in-law's memory and spirit are guiding angels in my house. From the times we share just sitting on the couch, watching TV together, to the trips to get ice cream on hot summer nights, she's watching over us. I truly believe she has held my family together, through my wife's mental illness and sexual addiction, through the lean times and the times of abundance. She's with us. Every day.
She has kept Saint Marty's family from disappearing.
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| She's there. Evey day. |
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