Koan in the Rain
by: Billy Collins
You want to know
the sound of one hand clapping?
It is the same
as the sound of the other hand
holding the umbrella,
only slightly louder.
For those of you who know nothing about Zen Buddhism, a koan is a riddle/anecdote used to demonstrate the failings of logical thought and also to provide some kind of enlightenment. So, for example, Collins answers the question "What does one hand clapping sound like?" with the image of the other hand "holding the umbrella, / only slightly louder." It's not a logical response, but somehow it feels right. Appropriate.
So the koan for this blog post is: What is eternity?
It is Saturday, and I've been alone with my dog for most of the day. The memory of the blizzard from the past week is melting away outside (I can hear watery fingers drumming on the roof and sidewalks). I haven't accomplished a whole lot--a load of laundry, a long walk with my puppy, and quite a bit of heavy self-reflection.
Recently, in a therapy session, I found myself talking about memories that I haven't allowed myself to think about for a very long time. I'm not going to delve into the details of these recollections, but they were quite painful, physically and mentally. Things that happened over the course of many, many years. (I apologize if you find my reticence to provide a fuller explanation frustrating. Perhaps, in the future, I will be ready to open up. Not today.)
What I will say is that I've been crying today. A lot. (I'm not telling you this to elicit sympathy, I'm telling you this in order to answer the koan about eternity,) Opening the door to these memories and feelings was like punching a hole in a dike. The hole just keeps getting bigger and bigger, and more and more details from the past keep flooding through.
It's a little like being in a bad horror film where there are ghosts around every corner. Each ghost is trying to talk to me or hand me something or take over my body. I've been ignoring these ghosts for so long that they're a little pissed, and, now that I've let my defenses down, they're unleashing on me. And that's not a bad thing. It's time for some exorcisms.
As most of my faithful disciples know, I struggle with sadness at times. And free-floating anxiety. I wouldn't say these emotions are crippling. I've become very used to them and have developed ways of coping that allow me to function every day. Most of my acquaintances would probably describe me as funny, upbeat, positive. That is true. I love my friends and family. However, when I'm alone, I often find myself mired in self-criticism, self-doubt, and low self-esteem. (That admission may shock more than a few of you.) I can't remember a time in my life when I haven't felt like this.
Don't worry. I'm not going to harm myself. Been down that road before, not going down it again. The last few days have just been . . . long. Filled with painful recollections, some panic, and barely-controlled weeping.
The world is thawing. Water is flowing, Everywhere.
That's Saint Marty's definition of eternity.
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