No one should be alone in their old age, he thought. But it is unavoidable. I must remember to eat the tuna before he spoils in order to keep strong. Remember, no matter how little you want to, that you must eat him in the morning. Remember, he said to himself.
There are days when you just feel sad. Alone. Like Santiago in his boat.
Today is one of those days for me. When I was younger, I would fall into what I would call "blue periods"--before I really understood depression. I'm hoping that this time will simply be a one-day thing. It's bee a while since I've felt like this.
It could be that the last couple weeks have been full of parades and fireworks and family. Now, after last night's fireworks, there's nothing. Quiet. No plan or party. After all of the excitement of the last nine days, it's like stepping off a cliff into a cold lake. I'm treading water.
There's also a rainstorm coming. Change in weather. Not a lot of sun today. Of course, it doesn't help that I've been doing online grading all afternoon in a dark room, and now I'm watching The Perks of Being a Wallflower, which is not the most uplifting of movies.
Being blue is a tricky thing. You can convince yourself of a lot of false things--like nobody loves you or your life has lost its meaning. Your rational mind can tell you that you are loved and your life does have meaning, but being blue has nothing to do with rationality.
Bad things happen. All the time. They continue to happen, on personal, local, and global scales. Loved ones get sick. Family members get angry, upset. Shootings occur at schools and churches and parades. Women are stripped of their rights. Dictators kill innocent people. Polar ice caps melt.
When the blues hit me, I become a little overwhelmed by all of these things. It's like I'm a cup, and the universe is a leaky faucet. Drip by drip, I've been filling up, and now I've reached the spilling-over point. I'm drowning a little.
That's what I have today. Wish I had something better to share. I don't.
Saint Marty is going to go rummage in the fridge for something to eat. Find some sun, faithful disciple.
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