Monday, January 24, 2022

January 24: Can't Do This Forever, Edmund Hillary, Moby Dick

Santiago waits for the fish to give up . . . 

He held the line against his back and watched its slant in the water and the skiff moving steadily to the North-West.

This will kill him, the old man thought. He can't do this forever. But four hours later the fish was still swimming steadily out to sea, towing the skiff, and the old man was still braced solidly with the line across his back.

Often, the things that we think will be easy turn out to be Mount Everest.  And the things that we think will be hard end up being an ice cream sandwich.  Santiago learns this lesson.

Can I tell you that going to work and teaching today turned out to be an Edmund Hillary experience?  I had difficulty remaining focused.  I am a person who juggles a lot of balls every day.  I am used to multitasking.  Therefore, I find it a little disconcerting when my mind won't cooperate when I have stuff to do.

I have a therapist friend who has often told me that one of the ways to cope with life's struggles is to "fake it 'til you make it."  That means showing up, going through the motions, and just getting through the day without doing much damage to anyone (including myself).  

I didn't think losing my sister Rose was going to be easy.  I never thought that.  But, out of all the losses I've experienced in the past five or so years, this one is proving to be the Moby Dick of them all.  My mind keeps going back and back to it.  All day long.  I'm working on a report in my office, and suddenly I find myself overwhelmed by sadness.  Driving home at the end of the day, I see the sky turning orange then pink, and I'm in the weeds.

Perhaps I wasn't ready for Rose to leave.  Maybe it's guilt for pushing for comfort care at the end for Rose.  Or maybe, through this passing, I'm thinking about my own mortality.

Saint Marty sees a lot of Mount Everests in his future these next couple weeks.



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