July 21: I Have Not the Power, Control Issues, Letting Go, New Cartoon

"Spirit!" he said, "this is a fearful place.  In leaving it, I shall not leave its lesson, trust me.  Let us go!"

Still the Ghost pointed with an unmoved finger to the head.

"I understand you," Scrooge returned, "and I would do it, if I could.  But I have not the power, Spirit.  I have not the power."

The Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come wants Scrooge to move the sheet covering the face of a body.  The body is Scrooge's, and Scrooge knows it.  His powerlessness comes from fear and sorrow and remorse.  He doesn't want to behold his future self, cold and uncared for.  The Spirit is asking him to do something he, mentally and spiritually and physically, cannot do.

I've often confronted situations I have no power over.  Things that broke my heart in many ways.  When my wife was diagnosed  bipolar, I would have done anything in my power to make her well.  I couldn't do it.  When my wife became addicted to the Internet and sex as part of her mental illness, I wanted to do anything to take away those addictions.  I couldn't do it.  If my daughter or son develops bipolar or some other illness, I won't be able to do anything about it.  I have not the power, as Scrooge says.

There are things in life I certainly do have power over.  I have power over my weight.  I could lose the pounds if I ate less pizza or bowls of Lucky Charms.  I could get in better physical shape if I exercised on a more consistent basis.  I could make my house a little more livable if I sold or threw out some of the crap I've accumulated over the years.  If I sent my poems out for publication on a more consistent basis, I'd probably get published more.  These are things I do have power over, to some extent.  (Genetics and the taste of poetry editors also come into play, unfortunately.)

I am a person who has huge control issues.  I don't like feeling powerless, like somebody or something else is running my life.  As a Christian, I shouldn't have too much of a problem with this concept.  I shouldn't mind letting go of my life, giving it up to God.  After all, God is the ultimate decision maker.  God makes all the big calls:  birth, life, death.  Ultimately, it's what we do with our gifts (talents, money, property, health) that falls within our control.  If I choose to smoke two packs of cigarettes a day, I am choosing to shorten my life.  If I choose to eat a box of Ding Dongs every day, I am choosing to become obese (and shortening my life, as well).  If I choose to spend an hour or two writing blog posts every day, well...

My point is that I should focus a little less on the things I don't have control over (my wife's mental illness, my daughter's quicksilver moods).  It's all about maintaining serenity.  You've probably heard this prayer before:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.

Saint Marty should have that prayer tattooed on his forehead.

Confessions of Saint Marty

June 21: First Day of Summer, Longest Day of the Year, Workshop

Today is the official first day of summer, the longest day of the year.  For the next few days, light takes hold of this part of the world and doesn't let go.  Then comes the slow slide to autumn and winter.  Each day will become shorter and shorter.  Pretty soon, it will be dark at four in the afternoon.  Darkness will be the guiding force.

I always like saying that for my friends who are sun worshippers.  When I was younger, I preferred the fall and winter months.  I loved rain and snow, the grey pall of those seasons.  As I've gotten older, I've found myself leaning more and more toward sunlight, like a plant in a window.  I now count summer as my favorite time of year.  I appreciate that dusk doesn't arrive now until almost 10 p.m.  I love running in temperatures in excess of 80 degrees.  I'm just one step away from those alligator-skinned people who winter in Florida and tan so much they're translucent.

Too much sun?

I plan to celebrate this long day of light by going to my Spiritual Autobiography Workshop this evening.  I've been looking forward to it all weekend.  I love the people in it, and I love the idea of using writing to become closer to God.  I don't think God has given me too many missions in life.  I just sort of stumble along until I happen to do the right thing, hopefully.  The times when I feel closest to doing God's work is when I'm teaching people about writing and journaling and poetry.  That's my mission, my gift.

I have met many gifted people in my life.  People who are able to do super-normal things.  I have a good friend who can sit at a piano, pick up a piece of music, and play it flawlessly.  She's always been able to do that.  I have another friend who can sing anything and bring you to tears.  The best man at my wedding can build anything, just give him a hammer, twist tie, and a rubber band.  My brother can do anything with electricity.  They're all gifted.

Gifts are different than talents.  I have a talent for music, but I have to practice my ass off.  I have a talent for art, but I suck at drawing hands.  I have a talent for directing plays, but I plan and prepare for a production for weeks.  I have a talent for singing, but I can't sight-read music for the life of me.

Talent takes work.  Gifts don't.

I have a gift for writing, and I love sharing that gift with other people in writing workshops.  That's why I'm looking forward to tonight.  I'm looking forward to using words and language to help people discover their own gifts and talents.  It will be joyful--full of laughter, maybe a few tears, and light.  Lots of light.

Saint Marty can't think of a better way to commemorate the first day of summer.

Celebrate the light