October 12: Shingly Beach, Midterms, Drunk Dialing

Stephen Graham startled me by describing the same gift in his antique and elegant book, The Gentle Art of Tramping.  He wrote, "And as you sit on the hillside, or lie prone under the trees of the forest, or sprawl wet-legged on the shingly beach of a mountain stream, the great door, that does not look like a door, opens."  That great door opens on the present, illuminates it as with a multitude of flashing torches.

Flashing torches in an open door.  That's what happens, according to Stephen Graham, when you venture into nature and allow yourself to experience it fully, with all the appropriate sense orifices open.  The present then becomes a raging forest fire of light, sparking all the nerve endings.  I suppose that's not a bad way to spend an afternoon.

Of course, I do not have the opportunity today to follow Graham's advice about tramping.  I have papers to grade, a film class to teach.  It's midterm exam time at the university.  Students are spending extra money at Starbucks to keep themselves fueled for this week's challenges.  Tonight, I will administer a midterm exam about swish pans and lap dissolves and Citizen Kane.  Because that's what college professors are supposed to do.

Of course, tomorrow morning, when my name is announced by Sara Danius in the Grand Hall of the Swedish Academy, I will probably be living in the present for quite a while.  Open door.  Flashing torches.  All that shit.  Here is what I will be doing at the appointed hour:

At around 5:45 a.m., I will be sitting at my desk in the surgery center where I work most days.  There is a phone and a computer on my desk.  I will have the live feed from Sweden open on my desktop.  The countdown clock will be ticking away.  Then, about ten or so minutes before the announcement is scheduled to be made, the phone on my desk will begin ringing.  When I pick up the receiver, I will hear a thickly Swedish voice say, "Is this Sankt Marty?" 

That is how I will learn that I am this year's recipient of the Nobel Prize in Literature.  And I will live in the present.  I won't need to go for a walk in the woods or climb a mountain or sprawl on a shingly beach.  I may indulge myself in a small moment of self-congratulation.  It may involve a bottle of Tanqueray and a drunk phone call to the president of the university where I teach.  Said conversation may include the phrase "suck it."

Aside from that, Saint Marty really hasn't come up with a concrete plan of action yet.

Wonder who he would drunk dial if he won?

August 3: Things You Shouldn't Do While Blogging

There are many things you shouldn't do while blogging.  Top of my list at the moment is watching the Olympics.  I have had my laptop in front of me for the past hour, and I have typed nothing, zero, zilch.  All I had up to a few seconds ago was just the blinking cursor.

Another thing you shouldn't do while blogging is eating Cheetos.  It makes for orange fingers, orange keys, and orange computers.  Cheetos and any kind of electronic device involving software just don't mix.

Going to the bathroom.  Let's just leave it at that.

Taking a shower.  Generally, whatever you are doing in the shower doesn't belong in a blog post.  Plus, like Cheetos, water and computers do not mix.

Drinking alcohol.  Some people may argue with me on this one.  However, drunk blogging is like drunk dialing.  You will post something embarrassing, possibly even a compromising picture of yourself.  Whether deleted later or not, a drunk blog post is a mistake.

Watching TV in general.  My current distraction is the Olympics.  However, even if the TV is tuned to something you don't even like (Bill O'Reilly say), you will watch the TV and not type anything.  Keep the TV turned off.

Cooking.  This is not a hard-and-fast rule for every blogger.  Just for myself.  If I blogged and cooked at the same time, something is going to burn, boil over, or explode.  I would probably end up microwaving my iPad.

Having sex.  Of course, this depends upon the kind of blog you are writing.  Nuff said.

(OK, now I'm watching diving in the Olympics.  I'm not even that interested in diving.  I am totally pathetic.)

Last thing I want to warn fellow bloggers not to do while blogging:  having quality time with your significant other.  Your significant other will insist on reading your blog post when you are done, and when he or she discovers you have been writing about the Olympics or cleaning up dog crap in the backyard, you will end up in the doghouse yourself.

That is the extent of Saint Marty's wisdom this evening.  Now, he's going to go eat some Cheetos, cook some Ramen noodles, go to the bathroom, have sex with his wife, and watch Michael Phelps swim.  Not in that order, necessarily.




Even this idiot can distract you!