February 12: Biggest Sex Maniac, Crumby Stuff, Saint Valentine

The trouble was, that kind of junk is sort of fascinating to watch, even if you don't want it to be.  For instance, that girl that was getting water squirted all over her face, she was pretty good-looking.  I mean that's my big trouble.  In my mind, I'm probably the biggest sex maniac you ever saw.  Sometimes I can think of very crumby stuff I wouldn't mind doing if the opportunity came up.  I can even see how it might be quite a lot of fun, in a crumby way, and if you were both sort of drunk and all, to get a girl and squirt water or something all over each other's face...

Holden is a teenager.  He's staying in a hotel by himself in the above passage, and he's looking out the window of his room, watching the kinky stuff people are doing in the hotel rooms across the street.  He sees an older businessman dressing up in women's clothes, and he watches a couple spitting water on each other's bodies.  It's a very sexual passage, and totally in keeping with what a 16- or 17-year-old boy would be fascinated by.  Holden isn't really a sex maniac.  He's hormonal, pubescent, and naturally curious.

One of the reasons The Catcher in the Rye is so popular with young readers over 60 years after it was published is because of its frank approach to sexuality and teenage angst.  Holden, despite what he believes, is pretty normal when it comes to his obsession with girls and sex.  The first time I read Catcher, I was a freshman in high school, and I totally latched onto passages like the one above.  I remember reading the description of the man and woman spitting water at each other over and over.  I won't say I was obsessed, but I will admit to being a little turned on.  Hey, I was thirteen at the time.  Give me a break.

Being raised Catholic, I found Holden's story a little bit of a revelation.  It made me feel not alone.  Holden was just like me, or I was just like Holden.  I had a few Jane Gallaghers in my life I was obsessed with.  We didn't talk about sex at home.  It was secret, dirty.  I was taught as a boy that having an impure thought about a girl was as much a sin as actually committing an impure act.  I was screwed, not literally, no matter what I did or did not do.

Which is why I always find Valentine's Day a little surprising.  A day that is dedicated to love and romance and sex is a saint's feast day.  Valentine was a Roman priest in the third century.  His association with the modern practice of sending valentines to lovers comes from an ancient pagan ritual.  Boys used to draw the names of girls in honor of the Roman goddess, Februata Juno, on February 15.  In order to do away with this custom, Saints' names were substituted for girls' names on the billets.  Thus, instead of receiving the prize of pretty maidens, young boys got the names of holy people like Valentine, who was eventually beaten with clubs and beheaded for his faith.  Doesn't really seem like a fair trade to me.

My wife and I will exchange cards on Thursday.  We don't buy candy or presents for each other, mostly because we don't have the money for it.  My coworker at the medical office is getting a brand new sewing machine from her husband for Valentine's Day.  I wish I could do stuff like that for my wife.  I wish I could take her to a nice restaurant and maybe a movie.  We just can't afford it.

I've come a long way from that thirteen-year-old who first read The Catcher in the Rye.  I still find Holden's musings on sex and girls fascinating, but in a different way.  Now, I think about all the Holdens who are going to be sniffing around my daughter in the years to come, and I think about the Holden my son will eventually become.

Maybe Saint Marty should keep his kids home on Valentine's Day.

The original inspiration for Valentine's Day

February 14: Saint Valentine

Yes, there really was a Saint Valentine.  He was a Roman priest who lived in the third century.  A good portion of his ministry was caring for Christians who were being hunted down, tortured, and killed by Emperor Claudius II.  Eventually, Valentine was captured and beheaded around the year 270.  He is the patron saint of greetings, which seems like a pretty logical explanation for the origins of the customs of Valentine's Day (and the use of Hallmark).  In actuality, giving cards to your love on this day had pagan origins.  In ancient times, boys drew "the names of girls in honor of their goddess, Februarto Juno, on February 15."  Christians, to combat this pagan custom, substituted the names of saints for the goddess, sort of the way Christians co-opted the Winter Solstice from the Druids and Celts by transforming it into Christmas.  We Christians recognize a good thing when we see it.  And if it gives me an excuse to receive free chocolate, all the better.

Really, when you think about it, having a day dedicated to love, whether it's pagan or Christian, isn't such a bad idea.  There's really not many holidays that, by their very definitions, are designed to make us appreciate people.  My daughter, of course, will be coming home from school this afternoon with a bag full of the latest in sugar crack for kids.  She herself is contributing Airheads and Fun Dips.  Airheads are just bastardized versions of Laffy Taffy.  Fun Dips consist of a stick of candy that the consumer licks, scoops into a packet of crystallized powder, then licks or sucks again.  It's a pretty disgusting confection, ranking right up there in my books with Pixie Stix, which are just paper straws filled with flavored sugar.  Kids love this shit.

For the two or three long-time readers of my blog, you already know my affinity for chocolate.  Along with books, American Idol, and Jesus, chocolate is one of the few things I take very seriously.  At the top of my list of favorite reads from the last few years is Candyfreak by Steve Almond.  It's a non-fiction account of Almond visiting candy factories and writing about the manufacture of various popular sugary treats.  He talks about the origin of his candy obsession, categorizes and ranks the favorite candies of his childhood, and discusses issues like fame and mortality.  And he gets tons of free chocolate to boot.  The guy is a genius.

Aside from exchanging cards, my wife and I aren't really do anything special for Valentine's Day today.  We went to Red Lobster last Friday, but that really had nothing to do with our love for each other and everything to do with lobster pizza and artichoke dip.  I bought my wife some heart-shaped Reese's Peanut Butter cups, which she began eating on Friday night.  Tonight, I'm chauffeuring our daughter from religion class to dance class to home.  My wife is going out with friends from her women's group at church.  We probably won't see each other until after 9:30 p.m.  Not much room for romance.  I don't think I'll even have the energy for a dirty thought by the time I see my wife this evening.

So, I'm all for a pagan/Christian holiday focused on love and chocolate.  I really believe in the importance of telling people you love them, in letting them know you respect and appreciate their contributions to your life.  I wish each and every one of you a Happy Valentine's Day.

And for the record, I love chocolate creams (anything but maple, coffee, and coconut).  Just in case you were wondering what to get me.