Showing posts with label Penthouse. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Penthouse. Show all posts

Friday, April 27, 2018

April 27: Golden Gleamings, Masturbation, Summer Plans

One of the wild suggestions referred to, as at last coming to be linked with the White Whale in the minds of the superstitiously inclined, was the unearthly conceit that Moby Dick was ubiquitous; that he had actually been encountered in opposite latitudes at one and the same instant of time.
Nor, credulous as such minds must have been, was this conceit altogether without some faint show of superstitious probability. For as the secrets of the currents in the seas have never yet been divulged, even to the most erudite research; so the hidden ways of the Sperm Whale when beneath the surface remain, in great part, unaccountable to his pursuers; and from time to time have originated the most curious and contradictory speculations regarding them, especially concerning the mystic modes whereby, after sounding to a great depth, he transports himself with such vast swiftness to the most widely distant points.

It is a thing well known to both American and English whale-ships, and as well a thing placed upon authoritative record years ago by Scoresby, that some whales have been captured far north in the Pacific, in whose bodies have been found the barbs of harpoons darted in the Greenland seas. Nor is it to be gainsaid, that in some of these instances it has been declared that the interval of time between the two assaults could not have exceeded very many days. Hence, by inference, it has been believed by some whalemen, that the Nor' West Passage, so long a problem to man, was never a problem to the whale. So that here, in the real living experience of living men, the prodigies related in old times of the inland Strello mountain in Portugal (near whose top there was said to be a lake in which the wrecks of ships floated up to the surface); and that still more wonderful story of the Arethusa fountain near Syracuse (whose waters were believed to have come from the Holy Land by an underground passage); these fabulous narrations are almost fully equalled by the realities of the whalemen.

Forced into familiarity, then, with such prodigies as these; and knowing that after repeated, intrepid assaults, the White Whale had escaped alive; it cannot be much matter of surprise that some whalemen should go still further in their superstitions; declaring Moby Dick not only ubiquitous, but immortal (for immortality is but ubiquity in time); that though groves of spears should be planted in his flanks, he would still swim away unharmed; or if indeed he should ever be made to spout thick blood, such a sight would be but a ghastly deception; for again in unensanguined billows hundreds of leagues away, his unsullied jet would once more be seen.

But even stripped of these supernatural surmisings, there was enough in the earthly make and incontestable character of the monster to strike the imagination with unwonted power. For, it was not so much his uncommon bulk that so much distinguished him from other sperm whales, but, as was elsewhere thrown out- a peculiar snow-white wrinkled forehead, and a high, pyramidical white hump. These were his prominent features; the tokens whereby, even in the limitless, uncharted seas, he revealed his identity, at a long distance, to those who knew him.

The rest of his body was so streaked, and spotted, and marbled with the same shrouded hue, that, in the end, he had gained his distinctive appellation of the White Whale; a name, indeed, literally justified by his vivid aspect, when seen gliding at high noon through a dark blue sea, leaving a milky-way wake of creamy foam, all spangled with golden gleamings.

Moby Dick takes on supernatural powers as this chapter progresses, able almost to bilocate from hemisphere to hemisphere.  This paranormal aura is enhanced by his ghostly white hue.  He appears off the coast of Greenland in the morning and then is sighted in the tropics in the afternoon, the waterways of the world all connected in some mysterious way.  Again, superstition holds sway.

Let me reiterate in this post that I am not a particularly superstitious person in most areas of my life.  Having been raised Catholic, however, I do carry around a certain sense of divine justice.  For example, as a young man, I used to believe that masturbation was the source of all kinds of bad things in my life.  The act caused small and large disasters to occur as punishment.  Flat tires.  Flooded basements.  The death of tropical fish and my mother's mother.

As an adult, I now realize that things don't really work that way.  A boy having a few minutes of pleasure in the privacy of his bedroom will not cause North Korea to launch missiles toward Hawaii.  That is the power of irrational superstition.  It makes the ludicrous seem plausible.  As far as I know, there has been no proven scientific link between spanking the monkey and nuclear escalation.

This Friday night, I'm sitting in the relative quiet of my living room.  My life is rarely peaceful.  I always have projects to work on.  Rooms to clean.  Poems and essays to write.  Workshops and lessons to plan.  I'm nearing the end of my year of teaching.  I haven't been offered a summer course, so I'm facing four months of relative free time.  However, with the lack of a paycheck from the university, my recreational activities may be limited to an occasional trip to Dairy Queen, but I will also have more time to focus on writing.

In the past, I've always begun my summers like this--big plans to write a novel or finish a collection of poems.  I'd set myself goals, and, by the end of August, found myself in a swamp of regret because I'd accomplished very little creatively.  So, for the last couple years, I've become somewhat superstitious about summer plans.  Like New Year's resolutions, summer plans are a recipe for failure.  If I say that I'm going to write a collection of short stories based on characters from The Brady Bunch, I will only write the titles of each chapter in my journal (ten of them--"Mike," "Carol," "Marcia," "Jan," "Cindy," "Greg," "Peter," "Bobby," "Alice," and "Sam the Butcher") and do nothing else.

When I was a teenager, I futilely tried to give up masturbation.  Told myself that, as a Catholic, I should instead focus on things like the Bible and prayer.  It didn't work.  I'd start my morning with the Gospel of John and end the day with a five-page spread of Claire the Redhead in Penthouse.  Failure was inevitable.

My point this evening is that I'm going to set myself some goals this summer.  However, I'm going to keep those goals modest.  And, just for insurance, I've already enlisted the help of two close friends to keep me on track.  By doing this, I believe I stand a better chance at success come Labor Day.

If I don't reach those goals, the world is not going to riddled with mushroom clouds as a result.  God is not going to smite me if I don't write enough poems.  I'm leaving superstition out of the equation.  Instead, I've got people who are going to lovingly harass over the next few months.

And Saint Marty is thankful for those individuals.


Thursday, June 2, 2016

June 2: Darning Needle, Chronic Masturbators, Punishments

It is this peculiar stitching motion of the dragonfly's abdomen that earned it the name "darning needle"--parents used to threaten their children by saying that, if the children told lies, dragonflies would hover over their faces as they slept and sew their lips together.  Interestingly, I read that only the great speed at which the egg-laying female dragonfly flies over the water prevents her from being "caught by the surface tension and pulled down."  And at that same great speed the dragonfly I saw that day whirred away, downstream:  a drone, a dot, and then gone.

A terrifying little story to tell kids.  An insect hovering over a naughty child's mouth, stitching lips together as punishment for a white lie, fib, whopper, tattle, deception, fabrication.  That's almost as good as the story I read as a child in a book about Purgatory.  In that book, sinners guilty of telling a lie were forced to swallow mouthfuls of molten lead as penance.  Combining the two punishments (taking in a mouthful of liquid lead and then having your lips stitched closed) would probably have kept me awake for weeks as a kid.  (By the way, you don't really want to know what they do to chronic masturbators in Purgatory, but it was enough to keep me away from the Penthouse under my brother's mattress for a couple months.)

Punishment is a strange thing.  I have learned, in my years as a father, to choose my punishments wisely.  Grounding, for example, is a terrible form of punishment.  It forces parents to spend entire nights/weeks with surly adolescents/teenagers.  The punishers become the punished.  Frankly, I think I'd take molten lead over spending extended periods of time with my sullky, fifteen-year-old daughter.

My wife and I have been having a battle with our daughter these past couple weeks.  This summer, my daughter has been invited to spend the month of July in the state of Washington with my sister, her husband, and kids.  My sister made the invitation without first consulting with my wife or myself first.  For various reasons that I will not discuss here, we have told our daughter that she is not going to Washington this summer.  Of course, she accepted our decision with grace and maturity.  She said, "I understand, father and mother, and I bow to your collective parental wisdom."  NOT.

According to my daughter, we are "ruining her life," and she "is going to be absolutely miserable all summer."  These pronouncements have been accompanied by tears and shouting.  I believe a few doors were slammed, as well.  (Where's a dragonfly when I need one?)  Tonight, she has lapsed into quiet recalcitrance.

Certainly, my daughter is determined to make herself miserable this summer.  And, because we share a house with her and are the cause of her misery, my wife and I will, by association, be miserable as well.  That's our punishment for being responsible parents.

Saint Marty is planning on sleeping with one eye open tonight.


Thursday, June 9, 2011

June 9: Hot Stuff, New Poem, Guilt

I didn't think I was going to write a new poem today, but I did.  For some reason, when I started thinking about what I was going to blog about today, the image of a comic book I used to read as a kid popped into my head.  The comic book was about a little devil boy named Hot Stuff.  He came out of the same group of comics that contained Richie Rich and Little Lotta.  For those of you who weren't exposed to these comics, I feel sorry for you.  They were great.  Anyway, Hot Stuff was always getting into trouble, as most devils do.  The whole joy of reading Hot Stuff was witnessing how he got his little tail out of these jams.

Perhaps I'm the only person, aside from my brothers and sisters, who remembers Hot Stuff, but I really loved reading his adventures.  Growing up Catholic, I was constantly engaged in worrying about right and wrong, having to go to a priest and confess my sins.  It created a good deal of stress for me.  As most kids did, when I stepped into a confessional, I made up sins.  Swearing always did in a pinch.  So did talking back to your mother.  If you didn't want to talk about what was really weighing your conscience down, you could always use those two sins.  You never talked about girls or dirty thoughts or masturbation to a priest.  That would have been like paging through a Penthouse with your grandmother.

Having attained a certain age and level of maturity, I realize how adolescent my thinking was.  But I was an adolescent at the time, so I guess that's to be expected.  The poem I wrote today is about those feelings of guilt and shame and excitement.  It's a narrative poem, and has no political aspect to it at all.  I think it does capture the struggle most boys go through at some point in their young lives.  Maybe most girls, too. 

Saint Marty has a little confession...

Silver Dollars


Sunday mornings, my dad piled
Us kids into the van, took us
To church, a place of stained glass heat
In summer, wet wool in winter.
For over an hour, we sat in wooden pews,
Went to the dark confessional,
Unloaded all our guilt.  I kept
My trespasses to myself, hid them the way
I hid my Halloween candy every year.
So no one could find it.
We listened to priests talk about
Lepers, sin dark as patent leather,
Mary the Virgin, who never did
The things girls in the magazines
Under my brother’s mattress did.
After the final hymn, we piled
Back into the van, drove
To the Clock, a diner with vinyl
Booths and silver dollar pancakes.
I ate my plate of silver dollars,
Drank a vanilla malt, topped
With whipped cream, a maraschino
Red as Hot Stuff, the comic book
Devil boy with horns and trident.
Hot Stuff never went to confession,
Did anything he wanted, learned
About right and wrong the easy way,
By sleeping in on Sundays,
Studying girls’ bodies in secret
Pages, glossy and stapled.
By eating stack upon stack
Of gold pancakes, piled
Up, buttered, seeped in syrup.
He stuffed himself until
His red belly bloated
To the size of a roasted pig,
Until his devil skin split open,
Spilled out his jackpot of crimes.
Hot Stuff couldn’t conceal his sin
The way I could on those Sunday
Mornings, in those pews, dreaming
Of girls and silver dollars.  So many.
Brown, sweet, warm, beautiful.