Merton suffers from vertigo . . .
Pop had died in November 1936. Already, in that fall, I had begun to feel
ill. Still I kept on trying to do all the things I was doing—following my
courses, editing the Yearbook, working, and running on the Cross Country
Team without going into training....
One day we raced Army and Princeton. I was not last, but as usual I was
about twenty-third or -fourth out of thirty or so. When I got to the end of the
course, I simply fell down and lay on the ground, waiting for my stomach to
turn inside out within me. I felt so bad that I did not even mind what the
people thought. I did not try to look brave, or to make any jokes about
myself, or to hide the way I felt. I lay there until I felt better, then I got up
and went away, and never came back to the locker rooms again. The coach
did not bother to come looking for me. Nobody tried to persuade me to go
back on the team. We were all equally satisfied: I was through. However, it
did not help much to get rid of this burden.
One day I was coming into town on the Long Island train. I had a bagful
of work that was already late, and had to be handed in that day. After that, I
had a date with someone with whom I liked very much to have a date.
While the train was going through the freight yards in Long Island City my
head suddenly began to swim. It was not that I was afraid of vomiting, but it
was as if some center of balance within me had been unexpectedly
removed, and as if I were about to plunge into a blind abyss of emptiness
without end. I got up and stood in the gap between the cars to get some air,
but my knees were shaking so much that I was afraid I would slip through
the chains between the cars and end up under the wheels, so I got back and
propped myself against the wall and held on. This strange vertigo came and
went, while the train dived into the tunnel under the river, and everything
around me went dark and began to roar. I think the business had passed over
by the time we got to the station.
I was scared. And the first thing that occurred to me was to go and find
the house physician in the Pennsylvania Hotel. He examined me and
listened to my heart and took my blood pressure, and gave me something to
drink and told me I was over-stimulated. What did I do for a living, he
asked me. I told him I went to college and did quite a few other things
besides. He told me to give some of them up. And then he suggested that I
ought to go to bed and get some sleep, and then go home when I felt better.
So next I found myself in a room in the Pennsylvania Hotel, lying on a
bed, trying to go to sleep. But I could not.
It was a small, narrow room, rather dark, even though the window
seemed to occupy most of the wall that was in front of me. You could hear
the noise of the traffic coming up from far below, on 32nd Street. But the
room itself was quiet, with a quietness that was strange, ominous.
I lay on the bed and listened to the blood pounding rapidly inside my
head. I could hardly keep my eyes closed. Yet I did not want to open them,
either. I was afraid that if I even looked at the window, the strange spinning
inside my head would begin again.
I have suffered from vertigo a few times. Merton is pretty accurate in his description here. It immobilizes you. My first bout, I woke up in the middle of the night, feeling as though the planet was spinning so fast that it was about to fling me off into space. I crawled to the bathroom, threw up four times, and then crawled to a couch in the living room. I spent the rest of the night there, alternating between retching and drifting in and out of reality.
Since that first episode, I have experienced vertigo two or three more times. It doesn't get better or easier. The last time, I ended up in the ER and had a CAT scan to make sure I wasn't having a stroke. I now take a meclizine tablet every morning to ward off vertigo. I don't rise quickly from chairs or beds. Instead, I sit up or stand gradually, like a diver returning to the water's surface after an extended deep sea dive. I know that if I rise too fast, I may get the bends, if you know what I mean.
Today, after four days of counting and unsubstantiated allegations of fraud and misconduct, Joe Biden was declared the President-elect of the United States. My Constant Readers know where I stand politically. Over the past four years, I have been fairly critical of Donald Trump and the job he's done in the Oval Office. Not because he's a Republican. No. If he were a Democrat and locked immigrant children in detention centers, reversed environmental protections, been accused of sexual misconduct by 26 women, and violated almost every law protecting the integrity of the White House, I would have voted Republican on November 3rd.
This election and current President have caused the most even-tempered people to sling a little mud. This afternoon, a friend posted a meme of Amy Coney Barrett holding a sign that said "40 More Years." (But this post isn't about what I see as the hypocrisy of that Supreme Court confirmation, either.) Every person in this country, Republicans and Democrats, have allowed themselves to lose their minds and souls a little these last four years. I include myself in that statement. We're all off-balance. The entire country suffering from vertigo.
I watched Mr. Biden speak this evening, and he spoke of unity instead of division. Healing instead of hatred. It felt like I had just taken a meclizine. The world slowed down, and I was able to stand steadily for the first time in a long while. And I felt something else that I haven't felt in a long time: pride.
I was raised by a Republican father who flew the American flag at his house almost every day of his life. He taught me to honor that flag and all it stood for. I still do that. And I vote Democrat, because that party aligns more with my moral and ethical beliefs. While my father didn't agree with my choices, he respected me for making them.
My father voted for Donald Trump in the last election. If my father hadn't died, he probably would have voted for Donald Trump again.. I respected my father's right to do that, not the choices he made. Because that's what United States' citizens are supposed to do. Respect each other, regardless of political differences.
Tonight, listening to the speeches given by Joe Biden and Kamala Harris, I gave myself permission to feel pride again. To put some trust in an elected official. Donald Trump had four years to change my mind, make me believe he represented my interests. He never did.
So, I am vertigo-free tonight. The world isn't spinning out of control, and maybe, just maybe, Mr. Biden will return kindness to my country. Compassion for the less fortunate. Justice for LGTB people and people of color. In short, following one simple commandment: love your neighbor as yourself.
That is Saint Marty's hope.
