August 25: Sadness Will Last Forever, Maggie Nelson, Difficult Decisions

Vincent van Gogh, whose depression, some say, was likely related to temporal lobe epilepsy, famously saw and painted the world in almost unbearably vivid colors.  After his nearly unsuccessful attempt to take his life by shooting himself in the gut, when asked why he should not be saved, he famously replied, "The sadness will last forever."  I imagine he was right.
                     ---from Bluets by Maggie Nelson

Sadness is something that is difficult to escape.  I don't think that I have ever simply decided to not be sad, just as I've never made the choice to be sad.  Sadness happens.  Happiness happens.

Certainly, my attitude can shape whether I'm going to be sad or not.  This morning, when I woke up, I knew that I wasn't going to do any schoolwork today.  I'd made that decision last night, and it made me happy.  This afternoon, I decided to go out for drinks with my wife tonight.  That decision made me happy, as well.

When I got home from work this afternoon, my wife told me that the mechanic at the garage diagnosed what is wrong with my car:  I need four new tires at a cost of $580 dollars.  That was not welcome news.  It upset me.

The whole situation with my father has been weighing heavily in my thoughts this week.  My family has some difficult decisions to make in the next few days, and none of those decisions are going to be easy.  I go to sleep thinking about it.  I wake up thinking about it.  Those thoughts do not fill me with joy.  If I were van Gogh, I would be painting self portraits in broad brush strokes with thick blue paint.

Saint Marty doesn't believe the sadness will last forever.  But it ain't going away any time soon.