April 2: Trying to Remain Positive

I'm a lucky guy.

I have a partner in the medical office who is the best coworker a person could hope for.  She's supportive, hard-working, positive, and funny.  She also has three small children, one of whom is only six months old.

I've known for a while that one of her goals for a long time has been quitting her job.  She wants to be a stay-at-home mom.  I don't blame her.  Her husband makes good money.  If I could stay home with my daughter and son full-time, I would.  It would be a great gig.

Today, she made her plans a little clearer.  She's going to sell her current house, which is gorgeous, and buy a house and parcel of land next to her parents' home.  It will drop her mortgage payment enough to allow her to stop working.  And, at that point, I will want to open a vein.

Yes, I'm selfish.  Yes, I'm jealous.  You see, I've wanted to sell my house and get a new house for, oh, about five years or so.  My coworker, in the time I've known her, has accomplished this feat twice.  If I owned her current abode, I would never want to leave my house.  Ever.  That's the jealousy. 

The selfish is not wanting to lose her as a coworker.  She makes my life so much easier and happier.  If I end up a solo act in the business office again, it's going to suck in the suckiest suck way possible.

One of my other coworkers asked me at lunch, "What are you going to do when she leaves?"

It was a question I wasn't prepared to answer.  It was a question that I thought was a little mean.  It was a question that simply took the wind out of my sails.

Saint Marty is trying to remain positive.

Jealousy is an ugly thing

October 18: Trying to Remain Positive

Once more, I find myself in a little bit of a funk this afternoon.  I could attribute my mood to the fact that my blood sugar is currently 38.  For those people unfamiliar with diabetes or blood sugar levels, I will tell you that normal glucose levels are between 70 and 110.  So, 38 is more than a little low.

Don't worry, I have already drank apple and cranberry juices.  I have also eaten a blueberry Nutri Grain bar.  I will be fine.  However, as I've explained in previous posts, low blood sugars alter brain chemistry quite a bit.  For me, I tend to become very depressed, overwhelmed even.  Again, it's all about brain chemistry.  I'm probably the only person who can actually combat depression with food.  In a little while, this black cloud that is hanging over me will lift, and I will be much better.  At the moment, I can't quite get there yet, although I am doing much better.

I'm going to add a few more blessings this evening, like I did this morning.  It may help diminish the darkness a little.

Blessings.  Let's see.

How about my cousin, Grant, who is an internationally famous chef and has won about 5 million James Beard Awards?  Nope, that just makes me angry and jealous.

How about the Nobel Prize in Literature?  Nope.  Two words:  Mo Yan.  Jealousy again.

How about chocolate of any kind?  Nope.  I don't have any with me.

How about my trip to the Wisconsin Dells?  Nope.  That just reminds me that I don't have another vacation until January.

How about I just give up and wait for the sugar to kick in?

Saint Marty thinks that's a damn fine idea.

April 3: Trying to Remain Positive, Thoughts About Jobs

I've been thinking a lot today about writing and publishing and teaching and trying to remain positive.

It really seems that the only way people get hired at the English Department full-time is if they have tons of publications (or at least one or two really impressive ones).  Most of my non-academic friends don't understand that it's not just a matter of submitting a cover letter and vita and landing an interview.  There're phone interviews.  There're portfolios.  There're campus visits with presentations and classroom teaching demonstrations.  Plus, there's always three or four other candidates with more impressive vitas than yours.

My good friend who was just hired this year by the university has four books under his belt.  He just had his fifth book published last fall.  Really impressive.  Also really depressing.  I wouldn't stand a chance against a guy like him.

However, I'm trying to remain positive.  About writing.  About publishing.  About jobs.  I've got my new book of poems submitted to another contest at the moment.  I'm just waiting for the rejection letter/e-mail to come my way.  (For some reason, receiving a rejection by e-mail is the most esteem-crushing experience I've had.  It says to me that I'm not even worth the cost of a first class postage stamp.)  I still might win.  I might.  There's always a chance.

Saint Marty is trying to remain positive.

Right now, it's perish for me.