January 11: Obsessing, Danez Smith, "it won't be a bullet"

Sometimes, I obsess about the stupidest things.  Books and clothes and cars and bills.  I obsess about this blog.  I don't feel complete until I publish my two posts every day.  I worry that I'll be missed or lose readers.

Tonight, I'm obsessing about a surgical procedure that I'm going to have on Monday.  It's a routine thing.  Nothing life-threatening.  Yet, here I sit, worrying and what-iffing.  It's one of my many character flaws.  I overthink everything.

My friend losing her son in a fire on Monday reminds me of how insignificant most of my worries and obsessions are.  Books don't really matter.  Clothes and cars, ditto.  If I don't publish a blog post today, the world will not end.

Here is what Saint Marty knows tonight:  all the people he loves are safe and happy.

it won't be a bullet

by:  Danez Smith

becoming a little moon--brightwarm in me one night.
thank god.  i can go quietly.  the doctor will explain death
& i'll go practice.

in the catalogue of ways to kill a black boy, find me
buried between the pages stuck together
with red stick.  ironic, predictable.  look at me.

i'm not the kind of black man who dies on the news.
i'm the kind who grows thinner & thinner & thinner
until light outweighs us, & we become it, family
gathered around my barely body telling me to go
toward myself.

August 27: Blessed with Busy-ness

Yes, I have been blessed with busy-ness today.  Phone calls and minor emergencies and panic and more phone calls.  I've had the kind of day I was anticipating, and the hours have just flown by.  Very soon, I will be heading off to the university to teach my Monday class.  I feel prepared and at peace.  If I hadn't been as busy, I might be little more anxious about teaching.  However, I haven't had a chance to even contemplate anxiety on any level.  That's what I mean by "blessed with busy-ness."

Busy-ness keeps you focused (or not focused) on certain aspects of your life.  Busy-ness has kept me from obsessing about my class this afternoon.  The only thing I've been able to focus on all day long is the immediate task at hand.  At the moment, that task is completing this blog post.  Then, the task will be driving to campus.

I have to pack up my computer now and head off to class.  I'm still not that nervous.  It feels a little strange.  I'm used to chewing my fingernails down to the quick on the first day of the semester.

Maybe Saint Marty has finally found inner peace.  Either that, or he's finally gone off the deep end.

Sometimes being like this is a good thing