March 19: Divine Equality, Cost of Grace, Goodness

With memories like these in him, and, moreover, given to a certain superstitiousness, as has been said; the courage of this Starbuck, which could, nevertheless, still flourish, must indeed have been extreme. But it was not in reasonable nature that a man so organized, and with such terrible experiences and remembrances as he had; it was not in nature that these things should fail in latently engendering an element in him, which, under suitable circumstances, would break out from its confinement, and burn all his courage up. And brave as he might be, it was that sort of bravery chiefly, visible in some intrepid men, which, while generally abiding firm in the conflict with seas, or winds, or whales, or any of the ordinary irrational horrors of the world, yet cannot withstand those more terrific, because more spiritual terrors, which sometimes menace you from the concentrating brow of an enraged and mighty man.

But were the coming narrative to reveal in any instance, the complete abasement of poor Starbuck's fortitude, scarce might I have the heart to write it; but it is a thing most sorrowful, nay shocking, to expose the fall of valor in the soul. Men may seem detestable as joint stock-companies and nations; knaves, fools, and murderers there may be; men may have mean and meagre faces; but, man, in the ideal, is so noble and so sparkling, such a grand and glowing creature, that over any ignominious blemish in him all his fellows should run to throw their costliest robes. That immaculate manliness we feel within ourselves, so far within us, that it remains intact though all the outer character seem gone; bleeds with keenest anguish at the undraped spectacle of a valor-ruined man. Nor can piety itself, at such a shameful sight, completely stifle her upbraidings against the permitting stars. But this august dignity I treat of, is not the dignity of kings and robes, but that abounding dignity which has no robed investiture. Thou shalt see it shining in the arm that wields a pick or drives a spike; that democratic dignity which, on all hands, radiates without end from God; Himself! The great God absolute! The centre and circumference of all democracy! His omnipresence, our divine equality!

If, then, to meanest mariners, and renegades and castaways, I shall hereafter ascribe high qualities, though dark; weave around them tragic graces; if even the most mournful, perchance the most abased, among them all, shall at times lift himself to the exalted mounts; if I shall touch that workman's arm with some ethereal light; if I shall spread a rainbow over his disastrous set of sun; then against all mortal critics bear me out in it, thou just Spirit of Equality, which hast spread one royal mantle of humanity over all my kind! Bear me out in it, thou great democratic God! who didst not refuse to the swart convict, Bunyan, the pale, poetic pearl; Thou who didst clothe with doubly hammered leaves of finest gold, the stumped and paupered arm of old Cervantes; Thou who didst pick up Andrew Jackson from the pebbles; who didst hurl him upon a war-horse; who didst thunder him higher than a throne! Thou who, in all Thy mighty, earthly marchings, ever cullest Thy selectest champions from the kingly commoners; bear me out in it, O God!

Melville here is elevating Starbuck, but not to the point of ignoring his faults.  Rather, Melville seems to be saying that, despite any defects in character, any acts that may call into question Starbuck's nobler qualities, all of those failings pale in comparison to the chief mate's admirable character traits, including bravery in the face of great peril at sea.  Starbuck remains a good person.

I have been struggling today with impatience, bordering on irritation.  It has to do with thoughts about grace.  In my experience, I have not met many people who do things simply out of the goodness of their hearts.  Bosses give you days off when you request them, but, when you come back, you work doubly hard to get caught up.  Students ask for extensions on assignments and excused absences for family problems, but they grant you none of that leniency as a teacher.  You help family members through personal difficulties, and you sometimes don't receive the same kind of love.

I'm not saying that I should expect anything in return for the small acts of grace that I try to perform in my life.  That's not what grace is about.  Grace is an unexpected kindness that's given with no expectation of return.  I try to send it out into the universe, hoping it makes a difference somehow, somewhere, some time.

However, I'm weary today because grace in my life seems in short supply.  When I think that I've received a kindness, I find myself feeling as though I must justify why I deserve it.  And that fills me with a mixture of emotions--anger and guilt, mostly.  It also lowers my self esteem quite a bit.  I know that I shouldn't allow myself to feel like this, but, today, I can't help it. 

Despite my failings as a human being, I think that I'm a good person, like Starbuck.  If I'm asked for help, I usually do what I can.  I'm not wealthy.  Never have been.  I work three jobs, two during the week and one on the weekend.  I am trying to provide a good home for my kids, where they feel safe and comfortable.  When my siblings face difficulties, I will be there for them, no matter what time of day or night. 

Grace shouldn't come with conditions.  I firmly believe that.  God doesn't say, "Sure, I'll give you a clean bill of health, but I expect you to pay me back."  That's not grace.  That's Don Corleone granting you a favor at his daughter's wedding. 

So, forgive me if I sound a little downhearted today.  I'm grateful for all the blessings of my life.  Really, I am.

Saint Marty simply wishes those blessings came like a rainbow in the heavens.  A show without an admission price.