Next morning the not-yet-subsided sea rolled in long slow billows of
mighty bulk, and striving in the Pequod's gurgling track, pushed her on
like giants' palms outspread. The strong unstaggering breeze abounded
so, that sky and air seemed vast outbellying sails; the whole world
boomed before the wind. Muffled in the full morning light, the invisible
sun was only known by the spread intensity of his place; where his
bayonet rays moved on in stacks. Emblazonings, as of crowned Babylonian
kings and queens, reigned over everything. The sea was as a crucible of
molten gold, that bubblingly leaps with light and heat.
Long
maintaining an enchanted silence, Ahab stood apart; and every time the
teetering ship loweringly pitched down her bowsprit, he turned to eye
the bright sun's rays produced ahead; and when she profoundly settled by
the stern, he turned behind, and saw the sun's rearward place, and how
the same yellow rays were blending with his undeviating wake.
"Ha,
ha, my ship! thou mightest well be taken now for the sea-chariot of the
sun. Ho, ho! all ye nations before my prow, I bring the sun to ye! Yoke
on the further billows; hallo! a tandem, I drive the sea!"
But suddenly reined back by some counter thought, he hurried towards the helm, huskily demanding how the ship was heading.
"East-sou-east, sir," said the frightened steersman.
"Thou liest!" smiting him with his clenched fist. "Heading East at this hour in the morning, and the sun astern?"
Upon
this every soul was confounded; for the phenomenon just then observed
by Ahab had unaccountably escaped every one else; but its very blinding
palpableness must have been the cause.
Thrusting his head half-way
into the binnacle, Ahab caught one glimpse of the compasses; his
uplifted arm slowly fell; for a moment he almost seemed to stagger.
Standing behind him Starbuck looked, and lo! the two compasses pointed
East, and the Pequod was as infallibly going West.
But ere the
first wild alarm could get out abroad among the crew, the old man with a
rigid laugh exclaimed, "I have it! It has happened before. Mr.
Starbuck, last night's thunder turned our compasses- that's all. Thou
hast before now heard of such a thing, I take it."
"Aye; but never before has it happened to me, sir," said the pale mate, gloomily.
Here,
it must needs be said, that accidents like this have in more than one
case occurred to ships in violent storms. The magnetic energy, as
developed in the mariner's needle, is, as all know, essentially one with
the electricity beheld in heaven; hence it is not to be much marvelled
at, that such things should be. Instances where the lightning has
actually struck the vessel, so as to smite down some of the spars and
rigging, the effect upon the needle has at times been still more fatal;
all its loathsome virtue being annihilated, so that the before magnetic
steel was of no more use than an old wife's knitting needle. But in
either case, the needle never again, of itself, recovers the original
virtue thus marred or lost; and if the binnacle compasses be affected,
the same fate reaches all the others that may be in the ship; even were
the lowermost one inserted into the kelson.
Deliberately standing
before the binnacle, and eyeing the transpointed compasses, the old man,
with the sharp of his extended hand, now took the precise bearing of
the sun, and satisfied that the needles were exactly inverted, shouted
out his orders for the ship's course to be changed accordingly. The
yards were hard up; and once more the Pequod thrust her undaunted bows
into the opposing wind, for the supposed fair one had only been juggling
her.
Meanwhile, whatever were his own secret thoughts, Starbuck
said nothing, but quietly he issued all requisite orders; while Stubb
and Flask- who in some small degree seemed then to be sharing his
feelings- likewise unmurmuringly acquiesced. As for the men, though some
of them lowly rumbled, their fear of Ahab was greater than their fear
of Fate. But as ever before, the pagan harpooneers remained almost
wholly unimpressed; or if impressed, it was only with a certain
magnetism shot into their congenial hearts from inflexible Ahab's.
For
a space the old man walked the deck in rolling reveries. But chancing
to slip with his ivory heel, he saw the crushed copper sight-tubes of
the quadrant he had the day before dashed to the deck.
"Thou poor,
proud heaven-gazer and sun's pilot! yesterday I wrecked thee, and
to-day the compasses would fain have wrecked me. So, so. But Ahab is
lord over the level loadstone yet. Mr. Starbuck- a lance without the
pole; a top-maul, and the smallest of the sail-maker's needles. Quick!"
Accessory,
perhaps, to the impulse dictating the thing he was now about to do,
were certain prudential motives, whose object might have been to revive
the spirits of his crew by a stroke of his subtile skill, in a matter so
wondrous as that of the inverted compasses. Besides, the old man well
knew that to steer by transpointed needles, though clumsily practicable,
was not a thing to be passed over by superstitious sailors, without
some shudderings and evil portents.
"Men," said he, steadily
turning upon the crew, as the mate handed him the things he had
demanded, "my men, the thunder turned old Ahab's needles; but out of
this bit of steel Ahab can make one of his own, that will point as true
as any."
Abashed glances of servile wonder were exchanged by the
sailors, as this was said; and with fascinated eyes they awaited
whatever magic might follow. But Starbuck looked away.
With a blow
from the top-maul Ahab knocked off the steel head of the lance, and
then handing to the mate the long iron rod remaining, bade him hold it
upright, without its touching the deck. Then, with the maul, after
repeatedly smiting the upper end of this iron rod, he placed the blunted
needle endwise on the top of it, and less strongly hammered that,
several times, the mate still holding the rod as before. Then going
through some small strange motions with it- whether indispensable to the
magnetizing of the steel, or merely intended to augment the awe of the
crew, is uncertain- he called for linen thread; and moving to the
binnacle, slipped out the two reversed needles there, and horizontally
suspended the sail-needle by its middle, over one of the compass cards.
At first, the steel went round and round, quivering and vibrating at
either end; but at last it settled to its place, when Ahab, who had been
intently watching for this result, stepped frankly back from the
binnacle, and pointing his stretched arm towards it, exclaimed,- "Look
ye, for yourselves, if Ahab be not lord of the level loadstone! The sun
is East, and that compass swears it!"
One after another they
peered in, for nothing but their own eyes could persuade such ignorance
as theirs, and one after another they slunk away.
In his fiery eyes of scorn and triumph, you then saw Ahab in all his fatal pride.
Say what you want about Ahab. Yes, he's obsessed, crazy, prideful, mean, rage-filled. He keeps his crew in a constant state of fear with his behaviors. Starbuck has his misgivings, but he, at this point in the novel, will not cross Ahab. With this little act of magnetic magic, Ahab proves that he's not to be trifled with. He is commander of the Pequod's fate and has a needle of his own making as a guide.
It's has been really easy for me to become unmoored recently. I think it has something to do with my daughter navigating the seas of her senior year of high school, and me navigating the seas of fathering her through this time. I can't tell her exactly what she needs to do. That's not my job. I can urge. Gently suggest. Remind. Goad. But I can't tell her what school to attend next year or what her major should be. That's all her.
After doing this father job for 18 years, I now find myself having to step back from the steering wheel. That's pretty tough. Last night, I attended my daughter's last home football game where she was playing in the marching band. It was senior night, so, at half time, my wife and I walked out onto the field and stood beside our daughter as she was introduced. She even let us kiss her in front of the crowd.
Now, I'm not a big football fan. In fact, I brought a book to every game I attended. I wasn't there for the touchdowns. I was there for the music and the half-time show. That's it. My Friday nights, September through October, were spent on metal bleachers, watching a game I don't quite understand.
That being said, I'm going to miss those Friday nights. Not because I care about football. Because it was a time to connect with my daughter. Watch her do something she loves to do: play her flute with a band. Then, go out to dinner with her. Laugh. Spoil her a little bit. Show her how much I love her.
My compass has become reversed. Instead of knowing where I'm headed, I'm striking out into uncharted territory. A couple times this past week, my daughter asked me to come to her room upstairs and tuck her into bed. I sang her the songs that I sang to her when she was small. Said the same prayers. She snuggled into my chest, and, for a few moments, she was that little girl again, who watched Frosty the Snowman every day after school, listened raptly as I read her Charlotte's Web, collected Barbies.
Saint Marty is thankful for those small moments with his daughter.
Poet...Musician...Thinker...Blogger...Teacher...Husband...Father...I'm not perfect, but I try!
Saturday, October 13, 2018
October 13: Joseph Millar, "Lovesick," Eve of Wedding Anniversary
Lovesick
by: Joseph Millar
Why don't you just say one of your prayers,
she sighs on the way to the airport
passing through the Virginia hills,
something hidden and dazed in her look
like Dylan's corrosive voice
smoldering out of the radio.
When we stop to stretch
in a grove of dark pines
she looks like she's trying
to remember something
standing beside the fender
and bending the wing mirror over:
I look okay in this gray light, she says
no one can see my crow's feet.
I can't decide if she's flirting with me
or trying to pick a fight.
What if I tell her I'm not afraid
of her riddles and midnight rages?
What if I hand her these scrawny violets
and just say, Get back in the car?
_________________________
It is the eve of my wedding anniversary. Twenty-three years tomorrow, I married the love of my life. The years haven't all been smooth and easy. We've had our struggles, for sure. But the struggles have made our marriage stronger.
So, I am celebrating my beautiful wife today, and all the gifts she has brought into my life. All the laughter and tears. Our kids. Christmases and birthdays. Trick-or-treats and valentines. Pecan pies and cookies.
She is the poetry in Saint Marty's life.
by: Joseph Millar
Why don't you just say one of your prayers,
she sighs on the way to the airport
passing through the Virginia hills,
something hidden and dazed in her look
like Dylan's corrosive voice
smoldering out of the radio.
When we stop to stretch
in a grove of dark pines
she looks like she's trying
to remember something
standing beside the fender
and bending the wing mirror over:
I look okay in this gray light, she says
no one can see my crow's feet.
I can't decide if she's flirting with me
or trying to pick a fight.
What if I tell her I'm not afraid
of her riddles and midnight rages?
What if I hand her these scrawny violets
and just say, Get back in the car?
_________________________
It is the eve of my wedding anniversary. Twenty-three years tomorrow, I married the love of my life. The years haven't all been smooth and easy. We've had our struggles, for sure. But the struggles have made our marriage stronger.
So, I am celebrating my beautiful wife today, and all the gifts she has brought into my life. All the laughter and tears. Our kids. Christmases and birthdays. Trick-or-treats and valentines. Pecan pies and cookies.
She is the poetry in Saint Marty's life.
Thursday, October 11, 2018
October 11: The Musket, Moral Dilemma, Rumors
During the most violent shocks of the Typhoon, the man at the
Pequod's jaw-bone tiller had several times been reelingly hurled to the
deck by its spasmodic motions even though preventer tackles had been
attached to it- for they were slack- because some play to the tiller was
indispensable.
In a severe gale like this, while the ship is but a tossed shuttlecock to the blast, it is by no means uncommon to see the needles in the compasses, at intervals, go round and round. It was thus with the Pequod's; at almost every shock the helmsman had not failed to notice the whirling velocity with which they revolved upon the cards; it is a sight that hardly anyone can behold without some sort of unwonted emotion.
Some hours after midnight, the Typhoon abated so much, that through the strenuous exertions of Starbuck and Stubb- one engaged forward and the other aft- the shivered remnants of the jib and fore and main-top-sails were cut adrift from the spars, and went eddying away to leeward, like the feathers of an albatross, which sometimes are cast to the winds when that storm-tossed bird is on the wing.
The three corresponding new sails were now bent and reefed, and a storm-trysail was set further aft; so that the ship soon went through the water with some precision again; and the course- for the present, East-south-east- which he was to steer, if practicable, was once more given to the helmsman. For during the violence of the gale, he had only steered according to its vicissitudes. But as he was now bringing the ship as near her course as possible, watching the compass meanwhile, lo! a good sign! the wind seemed coming round astern; aye, the foul breeze became fair!
Instantly the yards were squared, to the lively song of "Ho! the fair wind! oh-ye-ho cheerly, men!" the crew singing for joy, that so promising an event should so soon have falsified the evil portends preceding it.
In compliance with the standing order of his commander- to report immediately, and at any one of the twenty-four hours, any decided change in the affairs of the deck,- Starbuck had no sooner trimmed the yards to the breeze- however reluctantly and gloomily,- that he mechanically went below to apprise Captain Ahab of the circumstance.
Ere knocking at his state-room, he involuntarily paused before it a moment. The cabin lamp- taking long swings this way and that- was burning fitfully, and casting fitful shadows upon the old man's bolted door,- a thin one, with fixed blinds inserted, in place of upper panels. The isolated subterraneousness of the cabin made a certain humming silence to reign there, though it was hooped round by all the roar of the elements. The loaded muskets in the rack were shiningly revealed, as they stood upright against the forward bulkhead. Starbuck was an honest, upright man; but out of Starbuck's heart, at that instant when he saw the muskets, there strangely evolved an evil thought; but so blent with its neutral or good accompaniments that for the instant he hardly knew it for itself.
"He would have shot me once," he murmured, "yes, there's the very musket that he pointed at me;- that one with the studded lock; let me touch it- lift it. Strange, that I, who have handled so many deadly lances, strange, that I should shake so now. Loaded? I must see. Aye, aye; and powder in the pan;- that's not good. Best spill it?- wait. I'll cure myself of this. I'll hold the musket boldly while I think.- I come to report a fair wind to him. But how fair? Fair for death and doom,- that's fair for Moby Dick. It's a fair wind that's only fair for that accursed fish.- The very tube he pointed at me!- the very one; this one- I hold it here; he would have killed me with the very thing I handle now.- Aye and he would fain kill all his crew. Does he not say he will not strike his spars to any gale? Has he not dashed his heavenly quadrant? and in these same perilous seas, gropes he not his way by mere dead reckoning of the error-abounding log? and in this very Typhoon, did he not swear that he would have no lightning-rods? But shall this crazed old man be tamely suffered to drag a whole ship's company down to doom with him?- Yes, it would make him the wilful murderer of thirty men and more, if this ship come to any deadly harm; and come to deadly harm, my soul swears this ship will, if Ahab have his way. If, then, he were this instant- put aside, that crime would not be his. Ha! is he muttering in his sleep? Yes, just there,- in there, he's sleeping. Sleeping? aye, but still alive, and soon awake again. I can't withstand thee, then, old man. Not reasoning; not remonstrance; not entreaty wilt thou hearken to; all this thou scornest. Flat obedience to thy own flat commands, this is all thou breathest. Aye, and say'st the men have vow'd thy vow; say'st all of us are Ahabs. Great God forbid!- But is there no other way? no lawful way?- Make him a prisoner to be taken home? What! hope to wrest this old man's living power from his own living hands? Only a fool would try it. Say he were pinioned even; knotted all over with ropes and hawsers; chained down to ring-bolts on this cabin floor; he would be more hideous than a caged tiger, then. I could not endure the sight; could not possibly fly his howlings; all comfort, sleep itself, inestimable reason would leave me on the long intolerable voyage. What, then, remains? The land is hundreds of leagues away, and locked Japan the nearest. I stand alone here upon an open sea, with two oceans and a whole continent between me and law.- Aye, aye, 'tis so.- Is heaven a murderer when its lightning strikes a would-be murderer in his bed, tindering sheets and skin together?- And would I be a murderer, then, if"- and slowly, stealthily, and half sideways looking, he placed the loaded musket's end against the door.
"On this level, Ahab's hammock swings within; his head this way. A touch, and Starbuck may survive to hug his wife and child again.- Oh Mary! Mary!- boy! boy! boy!- But if I wake thee not to death, old man, who can tell to what unsounded deeps Starbuck's body this day week may sink, with all the crew! Great God, where art Thou? Shall I? shall I?- The wind has gone down and shifted, sir; the fore and main topsails are reefed and set! she heads her course."
"Stern all! Oh Moby Dick, I clutch thy heart at last!"
Such were the sounds that now came hurtling from out the old man's tormented sleep, as if Starbuck's voice had caused the long dumb dream to speak.
The yet levelled musket shook like a drunkard's arm against the panel; Starbuck seemed wrestling with an angel, but turning from the door, he placed the death-tube in its rack, and left the place.
"He's too sound asleep, Mr. Stubb; go thou down, and wake him, and tell him. I must see to the deck here. Thou know'st what to say."
An incredible little chapter in which Starbuck, one of the few members of the Pequod crew who seems to understand the danger of Ahab's obsession, contemplates committing murder. The musket is in Starbuck's hands. The longest paragraph in this passage is an inner argument--Starbuck trying to justify taking another man's life. It's torturous. He knows that if he follows Ahab's orders, he may never see his wife and child again. Yet, in the end, Starbuck sets these thoughts aside, puts the musket back on its rack, and returns to the ship's deck.
I would guess we all face moral dilemmas pretty much every day of our lives. Probably not as extreme as Starbuck's dilemma in this chapter, but certainly situations that test our characters. It could be something as simple as whether to stretch that 15 minute coffee break at work to 20 minutes. Or it could be something more serious--a handful of pills to end a long battle with depression. Big, life-changing/ending decisions.
Don't worry. I'm not entertaining suicidal ideation. It's simply what's on my mind after reading this chapter from Moby-Dick. I've worked hard all week. And all week long, I've dealt with rumors regarding the closure of the outpatient surgery center where I'm employed. Now, generally, I don't put much stock in unverifiable half-truths and innuendo. I can't say the same for my coworkers, who've become a pack of Chicken Littles. The sky is falling for them.
That doesn't mean that I'm sticking my head in the sand. The huge healthcare organization that owns the surgery center is all about money. If closing the surgery would mean bigger profits for the organization, then the surgery center will close. Plus, the healthcare organization was recently purchased by a huge, international investment banking firm. Its bottom line is not good healthcare. Its bottom line is the bottom line. Dollar signs.
So, here is the moral/ethical dilemma I face--1) waiting to see if the surgery center remains open, OR 2) being proactive and searching for another job right now.
I will be honest. I have lost a lot of sleep this week. I'm not really sure what I should do. I've dealt with a lot of change and upheaval these last few years of my life. I want to believe in stability, but I also don't want to be stupid. I'm the main source of income for my family. My job provides our health insurance. We can't afford to lose these things.
I don't have an easy way to end this post tonight. No answers. I'm tired and hungry. There are six bananas on my kitchen table right now. I want to eat those bananas, one after another, until they're all gone. Then I want to take a long nap. Maybe wake up for my wife's birthday at the end of the month. Or Thanksgiving. Maybe Christmas.
This evening, Saint Marty is thankful for reruns of old television shows, like M*A*S*H, because Hawkeye will always live in the Swamp, Radar will always sleep with his teddy bear, and Klinger will always look good in a dress. Things don't change in reruns.
In a severe gale like this, while the ship is but a tossed shuttlecock to the blast, it is by no means uncommon to see the needles in the compasses, at intervals, go round and round. It was thus with the Pequod's; at almost every shock the helmsman had not failed to notice the whirling velocity with which they revolved upon the cards; it is a sight that hardly anyone can behold without some sort of unwonted emotion.
Some hours after midnight, the Typhoon abated so much, that through the strenuous exertions of Starbuck and Stubb- one engaged forward and the other aft- the shivered remnants of the jib and fore and main-top-sails were cut adrift from the spars, and went eddying away to leeward, like the feathers of an albatross, which sometimes are cast to the winds when that storm-tossed bird is on the wing.
The three corresponding new sails were now bent and reefed, and a storm-trysail was set further aft; so that the ship soon went through the water with some precision again; and the course- for the present, East-south-east- which he was to steer, if practicable, was once more given to the helmsman. For during the violence of the gale, he had only steered according to its vicissitudes. But as he was now bringing the ship as near her course as possible, watching the compass meanwhile, lo! a good sign! the wind seemed coming round astern; aye, the foul breeze became fair!
Instantly the yards were squared, to the lively song of "Ho! the fair wind! oh-ye-ho cheerly, men!" the crew singing for joy, that so promising an event should so soon have falsified the evil portends preceding it.
In compliance with the standing order of his commander- to report immediately, and at any one of the twenty-four hours, any decided change in the affairs of the deck,- Starbuck had no sooner trimmed the yards to the breeze- however reluctantly and gloomily,- that he mechanically went below to apprise Captain Ahab of the circumstance.
Ere knocking at his state-room, he involuntarily paused before it a moment. The cabin lamp- taking long swings this way and that- was burning fitfully, and casting fitful shadows upon the old man's bolted door,- a thin one, with fixed blinds inserted, in place of upper panels. The isolated subterraneousness of the cabin made a certain humming silence to reign there, though it was hooped round by all the roar of the elements. The loaded muskets in the rack were shiningly revealed, as they stood upright against the forward bulkhead. Starbuck was an honest, upright man; but out of Starbuck's heart, at that instant when he saw the muskets, there strangely evolved an evil thought; but so blent with its neutral or good accompaniments that for the instant he hardly knew it for itself.
"He would have shot me once," he murmured, "yes, there's the very musket that he pointed at me;- that one with the studded lock; let me touch it- lift it. Strange, that I, who have handled so many deadly lances, strange, that I should shake so now. Loaded? I must see. Aye, aye; and powder in the pan;- that's not good. Best spill it?- wait. I'll cure myself of this. I'll hold the musket boldly while I think.- I come to report a fair wind to him. But how fair? Fair for death and doom,- that's fair for Moby Dick. It's a fair wind that's only fair for that accursed fish.- The very tube he pointed at me!- the very one; this one- I hold it here; he would have killed me with the very thing I handle now.- Aye and he would fain kill all his crew. Does he not say he will not strike his spars to any gale? Has he not dashed his heavenly quadrant? and in these same perilous seas, gropes he not his way by mere dead reckoning of the error-abounding log? and in this very Typhoon, did he not swear that he would have no lightning-rods? But shall this crazed old man be tamely suffered to drag a whole ship's company down to doom with him?- Yes, it would make him the wilful murderer of thirty men and more, if this ship come to any deadly harm; and come to deadly harm, my soul swears this ship will, if Ahab have his way. If, then, he were this instant- put aside, that crime would not be his. Ha! is he muttering in his sleep? Yes, just there,- in there, he's sleeping. Sleeping? aye, but still alive, and soon awake again. I can't withstand thee, then, old man. Not reasoning; not remonstrance; not entreaty wilt thou hearken to; all this thou scornest. Flat obedience to thy own flat commands, this is all thou breathest. Aye, and say'st the men have vow'd thy vow; say'st all of us are Ahabs. Great God forbid!- But is there no other way? no lawful way?- Make him a prisoner to be taken home? What! hope to wrest this old man's living power from his own living hands? Only a fool would try it. Say he were pinioned even; knotted all over with ropes and hawsers; chained down to ring-bolts on this cabin floor; he would be more hideous than a caged tiger, then. I could not endure the sight; could not possibly fly his howlings; all comfort, sleep itself, inestimable reason would leave me on the long intolerable voyage. What, then, remains? The land is hundreds of leagues away, and locked Japan the nearest. I stand alone here upon an open sea, with two oceans and a whole continent between me and law.- Aye, aye, 'tis so.- Is heaven a murderer when its lightning strikes a would-be murderer in his bed, tindering sheets and skin together?- And would I be a murderer, then, if"- and slowly, stealthily, and half sideways looking, he placed the loaded musket's end against the door.
"On this level, Ahab's hammock swings within; his head this way. A touch, and Starbuck may survive to hug his wife and child again.- Oh Mary! Mary!- boy! boy! boy!- But if I wake thee not to death, old man, who can tell to what unsounded deeps Starbuck's body this day week may sink, with all the crew! Great God, where art Thou? Shall I? shall I?- The wind has gone down and shifted, sir; the fore and main topsails are reefed and set! she heads her course."
"Stern all! Oh Moby Dick, I clutch thy heart at last!"
Such were the sounds that now came hurtling from out the old man's tormented sleep, as if Starbuck's voice had caused the long dumb dream to speak.
The yet levelled musket shook like a drunkard's arm against the panel; Starbuck seemed wrestling with an angel, but turning from the door, he placed the death-tube in its rack, and left the place.
"He's too sound asleep, Mr. Stubb; go thou down, and wake him, and tell him. I must see to the deck here. Thou know'st what to say."
An incredible little chapter in which Starbuck, one of the few members of the Pequod crew who seems to understand the danger of Ahab's obsession, contemplates committing murder. The musket is in Starbuck's hands. The longest paragraph in this passage is an inner argument--Starbuck trying to justify taking another man's life. It's torturous. He knows that if he follows Ahab's orders, he may never see his wife and child again. Yet, in the end, Starbuck sets these thoughts aside, puts the musket back on its rack, and returns to the ship's deck.
I would guess we all face moral dilemmas pretty much every day of our lives. Probably not as extreme as Starbuck's dilemma in this chapter, but certainly situations that test our characters. It could be something as simple as whether to stretch that 15 minute coffee break at work to 20 minutes. Or it could be something more serious--a handful of pills to end a long battle with depression. Big, life-changing/ending decisions.
Don't worry. I'm not entertaining suicidal ideation. It's simply what's on my mind after reading this chapter from Moby-Dick. I've worked hard all week. And all week long, I've dealt with rumors regarding the closure of the outpatient surgery center where I'm employed. Now, generally, I don't put much stock in unverifiable half-truths and innuendo. I can't say the same for my coworkers, who've become a pack of Chicken Littles. The sky is falling for them.
That doesn't mean that I'm sticking my head in the sand. The huge healthcare organization that owns the surgery center is all about money. If closing the surgery would mean bigger profits for the organization, then the surgery center will close. Plus, the healthcare organization was recently purchased by a huge, international investment banking firm. Its bottom line is not good healthcare. Its bottom line is the bottom line. Dollar signs.
So, here is the moral/ethical dilemma I face--1) waiting to see if the surgery center remains open, OR 2) being proactive and searching for another job right now.
I will be honest. I have lost a lot of sleep this week. I'm not really sure what I should do. I've dealt with a lot of change and upheaval these last few years of my life. I want to believe in stability, but I also don't want to be stupid. I'm the main source of income for my family. My job provides our health insurance. We can't afford to lose these things.
I don't have an easy way to end this post tonight. No answers. I'm tired and hungry. There are six bananas on my kitchen table right now. I want to eat those bananas, one after another, until they're all gone. Then I want to take a long nap. Maybe wake up for my wife's birthday at the end of the month. Or Thanksgiving. Maybe Christmas.
This evening, Saint Marty is thankful for reruns of old television shows, like M*A*S*H, because Hawkeye will always live in the Swamp, Radar will always sleep with his teddy bear, and Klinger will always look good in a dress. Things don't change in reruns.
October 11: Eloise Klein Healy, "Asking About You," National Coming Out Day
Asking About You
by: Eloise Klein Healy
Instead of having sex all the time I like to hold you and not get into some involved discussion of what life means. I want you to tell me something I don’t know about you. Something about the day before that photograph in which you’re standing on your head. I want to know about softball and the team picture. Why are you so little next to the others? Were you younger? Were you small as a girl? What I want most is to have been a girl with you and played on the opposite team so I could have liked you and competed against you at the same time.
_________________________
Today is National Coming Out Day.
I have seen some of my closest friends rejected by their families after coming out. Have seen their pain. I don't understand how anyone can hate people simply for being who they are. Do you hate a pine tree for not being an apple tree? Do you hate a blue jay for not being a cardinal? The moon for not being the sun?
Tonight, I celebrate people who have the courage to be themselves.
Saint Marty thinks that's pretty miraculous.
by: Eloise Klein Healy
Instead of having sex all the time I like to hold you and not get into some involved discussion of what life means. I want you to tell me something I don’t know about you. Something about the day before that photograph in which you’re standing on your head. I want to know about softball and the team picture. Why are you so little next to the others? Were you younger? Were you small as a girl? What I want most is to have been a girl with you and played on the opposite team so I could have liked you and competed against you at the same time.
_________________________
Today is National Coming Out Day.
I have seen some of my closest friends rejected by their families after coming out. Have seen their pain. I don't understand how anyone can hate people simply for being who they are. Do you hate a pine tree for not being an apple tree? Do you hate a blue jay for not being a cardinal? The moon for not being the sun?
Tonight, I celebrate people who have the courage to be themselves.
Saint Marty thinks that's pretty miraculous.
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