Showing posts with label hospice care. Show all posts
Showing posts with label hospice care. Show all posts

Thursday, September 28, 2023

September 28: "Two Kinds of Deliverance," Gail, Setting Free

Mary Oliver looks for deliverance . . .

Two Kinds of Deliverance

by:  Mary Oliver

1.

Last night the geese came back,
slanting fast
from the blossom of the rising moon down
to the black pond.  A muskrat
swimming in the twilight saw them and hurried

to the secret lodges to tell everyone
spring had come.

And so it had.
By morning when I went out
the last of the ice had disappeared, blackbirds
sang on the shores.  Every year
the geese, returning,
do this, I don't
know how.

2.

The curtains opened and there was
an old man in a headdress of feathers,
leather leggings and a vest made
from the skin of some animal.  He danced

in a kind of surly rapture, and the trees
in the fields far away
began to mutter and suck up their long roots.
Slowly they advanced until they stood
pressed to the schoolhouse windows.

3.

I don't know
lots of things but I know this next year
when spring
flows over the starting point I'll think I'm going to
drown in the shimmering miles of it and then
one or two birds will fly me over
the threshold.
                    As for the pain
of others, of course it tries to be
abstract, but then

there flares up out of a vanished wilderness, like fire,
still blistering:  the wrinkled face
of an old Chippewa
smiling, hating us,
dancing for his life.




The word "deliverance" has a few meanings, but the main one (the one, I'm sure, Mary Oliver intended for this poem) is "the act of being rescued or set free."  So, the geese come to the black pond and set it free of the ice and snow of winter.  The old man in the headdress sets the trees free of their roots.  The blistering face of the old Chippewa tries to rescue his life from the pain and hatred of his and his people's past.

This afternoon, I learned a poet friend was delivered from her suffering two days ago.  Gail had been in hospice care, her heart failing in the bed of her chest.  Over the course of a couple weeks, she had good days and bad days.  Times when she struggled to keep her eyes open, her mind focused, for just a few minutes.  Other times when she was lucid and able to sustain extended conversations.

Yet, as must happen with each one of us, Gail was delivered from the icy black pond of this world to the verdant green world of the next.  Gail was, as I said above, a poet.  She was also a visual artist.  Earlier this summer, I visited her studio, watched her work, and admired her eye for beauty.  She was the real deal--painter and poet, mother and grandmother, friend to all.

What happens when a poet dies?  I've been pondering that question since I found out about Gail's passing.  I imagine her deliverance was like the geese descending out of a moony sky, looking to rest their tired wings after a long and difficult journey.  That's where I imagine Gail is right now, standing with Mary Oliver on the shores of the black pond, listening to blackbirds sing their psalm to spring.

Saint Marty gives thanks tonight for Gail's time on this planet, for her deliverance of beauty with words and brushes and paints.

Wednesday, February 7, 2018

February 7: True Places, My Father, Anointing of the Sick

Queequeg was a native of Rokovoko, an island far away to the West and South. It is not down on any map; true places never are.
When a new-hatched savage running wild about his native woodlands in a grass clout, followed by the nibbling goats, as if he were a green sapling; even then, in Queequeg's ambitious soul, lurked a strong desire to see something more of Christendom than a specimen whaler or two. His father was a High Chief, a King; his uncle a High Priest; and on the maternal side he boasted aunts who were the wives of unconquerable warriors. There was excellent blood in his veins- royal stuff; though sadly vitiated, I fear, by the cannibal propensity he nourished in his untutored youth.
A Sag Harbor ship visited his father's bay, and Queequeg sought a passage to Christian lands. But the ship, having her full complement of seamen, spurned his suit; and not all the King his father's influence could prevail. But Queequeg vowed a vow. Alone in his canoe, he paddled off to a distant strait, which he knew the ship must pass through when she quitted the island. On one side was a coral reef; on the other a low tongue of land, covered with mangrove thickets that grew out into the water. Hiding his canoe, still afloat, among these thickets, with its prow seaward, he sat down in the stern, paddle low in hand; and when the ship was gliding by, like a flash he darted out; gained her side; with one backward dash of his foot capsized and sank his canoe; climbed up the chains; and throwing himself at full length upon the deck, grappled a ring-bolt there, and swore not to let it go, though hacked in pieces.
In vain the captain threatened to throw him overboard; suspended a cutlass over his naked wrists; Queequeg was the son of a King, and Queequeg budged not. Struck by his desperate dauntlessness, and his wild desire to visit Christendom, the captain at last relented, and told him he might make himself at home. But this fine young savage- this sea Prince of Wales, never saw the Captain's cabin. They put him down among the sailors, and made a whaleman of him. But like Czar Peter content to toil in the shipyards of foreign cities, Queequeg disdained no seeming ignominy, if thereby he might happily gain the power of enlightening his untutored countrymen. For at bottom- so he told me- he was actuated by a profound desire to learn among the Christians, the arts whereby to make his people still happier than they were; and more than that, still better than they were. But, alas! the practices of whalemen soon convinced him that even Christians could be both miserable and wicked; infinitely more so, than all his father's heathens. Arrived at last in old Sag Harbor; and seeing what the sailors did there; and then going on to Nantucket, and seeing how they spent their wages in that place also, poor Queequeg gave it up for lost. Thought he, it's a wicked world in all meridians; I'll die a pagan.
And thus an old idolator at heart, he yet lived among these Christians, wore their clothes, and tried to talk their gibberish. Hence the queer ways about him, though now some time from home.
By hints I asked him whether he did not propose going back, and having a coronation; since he might now consider his father dead and gone, he being very old and feeble at the last accounts. He answered no, not yet; and added that he was fearful Christianity, or rather Christians, had unfitted him for ascending the pure and undefiled throne of thirty pagan Kings before him. But by and by, he said, he would return,- as soon as he felt himself baptized again. For the nonce, however, he proposed to sail about, and sow his wild oats in all four oceans. They had made a harpooneer of him, and that barbed iron was in lieu of a sceptre now.
I asked him what might be his immediate purpose, touching his future movements. He answered, to go to sea again, in his old vocation. Upon this, I told him that whaling was my own design, and informed him of my intention to sail out of Nantucket, as being the most promising port for an adventurous whaleman to embark from. He at once resolved to accompany me to that island, ship aboard the same vessel, get into the same watch, the same boat, the same mess with me, in short to share my every hap; with both my hands in his, boldly dip into the Potluck of both worlds. To all this I joyously assented; for besides the affection I now felt for Queequeg, he was an experienced harpooneer, and as such, could not fail to be of great usefulness to one, who, like me, was wholly ignorant of the mysteries of whaling, though well acquainted with the sea, as known to merchant seamen.
His story being ended with his pipe's last dying puff, Queequeg embraced me, pressed his forehead against mine, and blowing out the light, we rolled over from each other, this way and that, and very soon were sleeping.

Queequeg as the crown prince of the island nation of Rokovoko.  Melville provides quite the history for this "savage" character, who turns out to be royalty, waiting to return to his country with his knowledge of the so-called Christian world.  With every detail, Queequeg becomes more and more civilized.  Even his final action before going to sleep--pressing his forehead against Ishmael's--somehow seems dignified and respectful.

I have a confession to make tonight.  My father, who we recently moved to a nursing home a little bit before Thanksgiving, is quite ill.  Down 20 pounds in a month.  Bacterial pneumonia.  He's in the hospital right now, on IV antibiotics and fluids.  The doctor spoke to my sisters yesterday, telling them how bad my father's chest X-rays were.  In a couple days, if he hasn't markedly improved, the doctor is going to recommend hospice care.

Our parish priest went to visit my father this morning.  He performed the sacrament of Anointing of the Sick.  (They used to call this sacrament Last Rites.)  Father Larry also placed a small piece of a communion wafer on my father's tongue, I assume because a full one might have caused him to choke.  It's not looking really good for my dad at the moment.

I know some of my father's biography.  For the first several years of his life, he lived on a farm and hated every minute of it.  Didn't like taking care of cows or chickens.  Didn't like the field work.  The happiest day of my dad's life was when my grandpa decided to move to Detroit and start a plumbing business.

And that's what my father did for over 50 years.  He was a licensed master plumber.  Worked farmer's hours--sunup to sundown--six days a week.  He was a good, decent man to his customers.  Never took advantage of their misfortunes.  And he got married, raised nine children.  Eventually, he moved us to the Upper Peninsula of Michigan, where I grew up.

My dad is small in stature, partly due to a severe curvature of his spine.  He loves John Wayne and Clint Eastwood movies.  He's been a lifelong Republican, and, therefore, I have been a lifelong Democrat.  We haven't seen eye-to-eye on a lot of things.  He doesn't get poetry or my writing.  But he's been in the front row of many of my readings.  Sat there, with his eyes closed, listening and nodding.

That's a little bit of my father.  Like Ishmael's summary of Queequeg's life, I can only give an abbreviated account here of my dad's 90-plus years on this planet.  He's been difficult sometimes, but I've never doubted his love for me and my brothers and sisters.

I don't know what the next days have in store.  I just have to live in a kind of bubble of uncertainty.  As the old saying goes, hope for the best, prepare for the worst.  It's a shitty saying.

Please say a prayer for my dad tonight.

Saint Marty is thankful for all the sacrifices his father has made in the name of love.


Tuesday, January 9, 2018

January 9: Exasperated Whale, Coincidence, My Sister's Best Friend

Entering that gable-ended Spouter-Inn, you found yourself in a wide, low, straggling entry with old-fashioned wainscots, reminding one of the bulwarks of some condemned old craft. On one side hung a very large oil painting so thoroughly besmoked, and every way defaced, that in the unequal crosslights by which you viewed it, it was only by diligent study and a series of systematic visits to it, and careful inquiry of the neighbors, that you could any way arrive at an understanding of its purpose. Such unaccountable masses of shades and shadows, that at first you almost thought some ambitious young artist, in the time of the New England hags, had endeavored to delineate chaos bewitched. But by dint of much and earnest contemplation, and oft repeated ponderings, and especially by throwing open the little window towards the back of the entry, you at last come to the conclusion that such an idea, however wild, might not be altogether unwarranted.

But what most puzzled and confounded you was a long, limber, portentous, black mass of something hovering in the centre of the picture over three blue, dim, perpendicular lines floating in a nameless yeast. A boggy, soggy, squitchy picture truly, enough to drive a nervous man distracted. Yet was there a sort of indefinite, half-attained, unimaginable sublimity about it that fairly froze you to it, till you involuntarily took an oath with yourself to find out what that marvellous painting meant. Ever and anon a bright, but, alas, deceptive idea would dart you through.- It's the Black Sea in a midnight gale.- It's the unnatural combat of the four primal elements.- It's a blasted heath.- It's a Hyperborean winter scene.- It's the breaking-up of the icebound stream of Time. But last all these fancies yielded to that one portentous something in the picture's midst. That once found out, and all the rest were plain. But stop; does it not bear a faint resemblance to a gigantic fish? even the great leviathan himself?

In fact, the artist's design seemed this: a final theory of my own, partly based upon the aggregated opinions of many aged persons with whom I conversed upon the subject. The picture represents a Cape-Horner in a great hurricane; the half-foundered ship weltering there with its three dismantled masts alone visible; and an exasperated whale, purposing to spring clean over the craft, is in the enormous act of impaling himself upon the three mast-heads.

One thing you may have noticed about Moby-Dick since the beginning of the year is that Melville makes use of the second person point of view a lot.  Yes, the book is narrated by Ishmael from the beginning, but Ishmael has a way of saying things like "you found yourself" and "you at last come to the conclusion."  You are Ishmael, and Ishmael is you.

These three paragraphs ponder a sooty painting, one that does not surrender its subject easily.  Melville offers several possibilities, from Time to the Black Sea to a blasted heath.  He settles on the image of a ship being torn apart in a hurricane, and, over the ship, a breaching whale, about to be impaled on one of the ship's towering mast-heads.

Art imitating literature imitating life imitating art.  I find that happens a great deal to me.  For example, a couple months ago, I was talking to a good friend and colleague at the university.  I was wondering aloud what book I should focus on for 2018 in my blog.  We kicked about many possibilities, including Bluets by Maggie Nelson (a favorite book for both of us) and The World According to Garp ("Too mainstream," my friend dismissed).

Then, he looked across his desk, on which sat a huge tome.  He nodded and pushed it toward me.  It was an illustrated, annotated version of Herman Melville's Moby-Dick.

I wasn't immediately convinced.  I have had a love/hate relationship with Melville's masterpiece for a very long time.  It's not an easy read.  Full of weirdness and density.  That day, I sort of laughed at my friend, shook my head, and pushed the book back to him.  My way of saying, "Thanks, but I'd rather do Green Eggs and Ham."

Then, through October, November, and December, I kept encountering references to Moby-Dick in things that I read, movies that I watched.  For example, one night, I was watching Citizen Kane and realized that the name "Rosebud" appears in Moby-Dick.  It's a ship the Pequod encounters.  I saw a snippet of Star Trek II:  The Wrath of Khan in early December.  Khan is an Ahab-quoting fanatic.  I saw Moby-Dick references in Family Guy and Jaws, too.

The universe seemed to be sending me some kind of cosmic message, short of a white whale jumping out of Lake Superior and landing on top of my Subaru Impreza.  It was like I was staring at the dirty painting on the wall of The Spouter-Inn, trying to figure out, along with Ishmael, what I was supposed to be seeing.

I never believe in coincidences.  Coincidence is just a way for people who lack faith to explain seemingly miraculous things.  Let me give you an example . . .

My sister, Sally, was the administrator of an outpatient surgery center.  One day, she was interviewing for a circulating nurse in the operating room.  In walked one of my best friends, Lydia.  She had no operating room experience.  Her most recent nursing work had involved hospice care.  Before Lydia went into her interview, I went to my sister's office and told Sally, "I think Lydia would be a perfect fit for this place."

Sally and Lydia had a long interview.  They spoke very little about operating rooms and surgery.  Instead, they spoke about Lydia's work in hospice.  My sister asked Lydia many, many questions about her experiences.  At the end of the interview, Lydia walked out of Sally's office thinking that she wasn't going to get the job.

Lydia got the job, and she became my sister's best friend.

Seventeen years later, Lydia put her hospice knowledge to work when my sister was dying of lymphoma of the brain.  She cared for my sister.  Advocated for her.  Ultimately, Lydia loved her enough to know how to help her die with dignity.

After my sister's funeral, Lydia said to me, "I think God put me in Sally's life for a reason."

I agreed.  No coincidence.  It was the gears of the universe working.

That is why I chose Moby-Dick this year.  Too many white whales crossed by path in the ending months of 2017 for me to ignore.  Just call me Ishmael.

Saint Marty gives thanks for the "coincidences" of his life tonight.


Sunday, August 9, 2015

August 9: Sister Update, Hospice Care, Classic Saint Marty

Sorry for the extended absence, folks.  I got back home from Ann Arbor around 8 p.m. yesterday.  It was a very long weekend.  I'm still pretty tired.

Well, the tumor in my sister's head has shrunk considerably.  However, the tumor cut off blood supply to the thalamus portion of her brain for an extended period of time, causing a stroke.  Also, her right shoulder and arm are constantly quaking.  The doctors think that she may be having seizures.  Her medical team have stopped nutrition, since her intestines are inflamed/infected.  She is receiving antibiotics to clear up her blood infection (sepsis).

All that being said, my sister's prognosis is very bleak.  After a lot of discussion and prayer and more discussion, my other sister (who has medical power of attorney) has decided to bring my sister home under hospice care.  Yesterday, the plan was to have her transferred to a nearby nursing home.  This afternoon, the plan has changed.  She will be coming to my parents' house and will be cared for by my sisters (a plan I don't support and cannot change).

In her current condition, my sister will not live long.  The neurologist estimated two to three weeks.  She will not receive any more chemo, which would probably kill her sooner.  The nutrition will also not be started again, because it would simply cause another infection, which would kill her sooner as well.  She will be kept comfortable and as pain-free as possible. 

If I sound too cold and clinical, I apologize.  I love my sister, and I want what's best for her.  I think she would receive better care in a nursing home setting.  Plus, that would save my mother (who is very confused and struggling) and my sister (who has Down Syndrome) from an incredible amount of stress.  Other members of my family disagree with me.  So be it.  I will have to let go of the anger that I'm feeling at the moment,  It is beyond my control, which is very difficult for me to admit.

As most of my readers know, I don't deal well when my life feels out of control.  At the moment, I feel like I'm on top of a roller coaster, about to plunge down tracks that are shrouded in mist and darkness.  I dislike it when people keep changing the rules of the game that I'm trying to play.  (How's that for mixing metaphors?)

Today's Classic Saint Marty first aired two years ago, when my life was much simpler and more peaceful.  I wonder where I can lay my hands on a time machine.

August 9, 2013:  Hot-Shot in English, Bonnie Jo Campbell, Fairy Tale Friday

..."Just don't do it too good, is all," he said.  "That sunuvabitch Hartzell thinks you're a hot shot in English, and he knows you're my roommate.  So I mean don't stick all the commas and stuff in the right place."

Holden's roommate, Stradlater, is the speaker.  He wants Holden to write an essay for him because he knows Holden is a really good writer.  In fact, English is the only thing Holden's got going for him at the moment.  It's the only thing he's successful at.


I went to a book signing event this afternoon at a local bookstore.  Ostensibly, the signing was to publicize The Way North, the anthology of U. P. writers that was released in early spring.  I went to the event not expecting a whole lot.  The manager of the store, Lee, is an old friend, so I knew I'd have someone to talk to.  Plus, I worked at this particular bookstore for almost nine years as a seller.  It was like returning to an old apartment I lived in while in college; everything sort of the same but a little shinier and smaller.  And, to top it all off, I was with two other writers I've known for a while.  It wasn't a bad couple of hours.  Didn't sell any of my books, though.

However, the other poet at the table with me, Janeen, told me something quite flattering.  At the release party for The Way North in Kalamazoo, Bonnie Jo Campbell, bestselling novelist and finalist for the National Book Award, chose to read my poem from the anthology.  My poem.  "She really loved it," Janeen said, "and she did a great job."

I know it sounds stupid, but knowing that Bonnie Jo Campbell knows my name/read my poem was quite a thrill.  More than a thrill, actually.  I've been riding the wave of that knowledge all evening.  Bonnie Jo Campbell's novel, Once Upon a River, was one of my favorite books last year, and her short story collection, American Salvage, is absolutely stunning.  She's a big fan of Flannery O'Connor, too.  I've been stalking Bonnie's official Web site for quite a few years (anonymously as I don't want to sound creepy).  And now, I know Bonnie Jo Campbell likes my work.

On a side note, I once took a fiction workshop in which Bonnie Jo was a fellow student.  She was obviously bound for bigger, better things even back then.  Plus, she was the nicest person in the class.  So I've been on the outer edges of the Bonnie Jo Campbell universe for a while.

And now, for a fairy tale.

Once upon a time, in a little town named Flannery, a struggling sword-maker named Hubert lived.  Hubert made great swords.  All the local knights came to him for his blades.  The problem was that Hubert couldn't sell enough swords to support his family, so Hubert moonlighted at a local fork factory.  Every night, he worked an eight-hour shift making tines for forks, and he was never allowed to make any over-tine.  (Sorry, I had to do that.)

Hubert studied the work of all the greatest sword-makers in the kingdom.  The greatest sword-maker of all was a woman named Kazoo.  Kazoo's blades were elegant, beautifully carved, and sharper than an arctic wind.  Hubert sent Kazoo fan scrolls every day, but he never received any replies.

One day, however, a bundle was delivered to Hubert's doorstep by a traveling knight.  When Hubert opened the bundle, he found a wondrous sword, carved from silver, its hilt encrusted with precious jade.  It gleamed in the sunlight, and Hubert knew it was an original Kazoo sword.  Kazoo had read his scrolls.  Kazoo knew his name.

Hubert reached down to pick up the sword and mistakenly cut off his left hand.  Hubert's wife found Hubert dead that night, clutching the sword to his chest, a blissful smile on his face.

The moral of this tale:  Always lend a helping hand, but bring a tourniquet.

And Saint Marty lived happily ever after.

She likes me!  She really likes me!

Tuesday, June 30, 2015

June 30: He will be waiting, Prognosis, Patricia Lockwood, "The Fake Tears of Shirley Temple"

Then they were silent.  They walked up a stretch of the block, across the way from the projects, a nerve-racking experience, even with a guard in a booth, because people were always getting held up, sometimes stabbed on that street.  They had reached Broadway when Robert added:  "You know, sometimes I think about what it would be like to be dead.  All I know is that He will be waiting.  It scared me for a long time, but you know what, Pop?  It doesn't anymore."

Robert Ives seems to have a sense, even at a very young age, that he isn't going to live very long.  He's deeply spiritual.  In fact, Robert says and does things in his that are almost saint-like.  Don't get me wrong.  He's still a teenage boy, with teenage desires.  Given the opportunity, he'll look at a naked girl.  But, on top of that human layer is a divine understanding that amazes his father, Ives.  For a long time after Robert's death, however, Ives finds no comfort in the memory of Robert's calm belief that Jesus would be waiting for him when he died.

This afternoon, I received the following text from one of my sisters:

Bad news.  Doctors are saying it's most definitely cancer.  The atrophy in her brain will never come back.  Chemo will weaken her and could kill her sooner.  Prognosis is not good for Sally at all!

My sister, Sally, is still in the hospital.  Tomorrow, she's going to have an ultrasound of her breasts and an MRI of her lungs.  They're trying to find the source of the cancer.  The doctors said that she will probably not walk again, and they don't seem very confident about any form of treatment.

I am a little numb right now.  I've cried some, and I've also been trying to remember how devoted my sister has always been to her faith.  However, like Ives, that knowledge is not giving much comfort tonight.  I don't know what's going to happen from here.  Certainly, she will eventually be going back to the nursing home.  When I went to visit her tonight, one of my sister's best friends was there, and she talked to me about hospice care.

Saint Marty isn't sure he's ready to lose another sibling.

The Fake Tears of Shirley Temple

by:  Patricia Lockwood

How many sets of her parents are dead.  How
many times over is she an orphan.  A plane,
a crosswalk, a Boer war.  A childbirth, of course,
her childbirth.  When she, Shirley Temple, came
out of her mother, plump even at her corners
like a bag of goldfish, and one pinhole just one
pinhole necessary.  Shirley Temple, cry for us,
and Shirley Temple cried.  The first word of no
baby is "Hello," how strange.  The baby believes,
"I was here before you, learning to wave just
     like the Atlantic."  Alone in the world
just like the Atlantic, and left on a doorstep
just like the Atlantic, wrapped in the grayest,
roughest blanket.  Shirley Temple gurgled
and her first words were, "Your father is lost
at sea."  "Your mother was thrown by a foam-
colored horse."  "Your father's round face is
a round set of ripples."  "Every gull has a chunk
                        of your mom in its beak."
Shirley Temple what makes you cry.  What do
you think of to make you cry.  Mommies stand
in a circle and whisper to her.  "Shirley Temple
there will be war.  Shirley Temple you'll get no
lunch."  Dry, and dry, and a perfect desert.  Then:
     "Shirley Temple your goldfish are dead,
they are swimming toward the ocean even now,"
                         and her tears they fall in black
and white, and her tears they star in the movie.
She cries so wet her hair uncurls, and then the rag
is in the ringlet and the curl is in the wave, she thinks
of dimples tearing out of her cheeks and just running,
out of cheeks knees and elbows and running hard
back to the little creamy waves where they belong,
and the ocean.  Her first
     glimpse of the ocean was a fake tear for dad.
A completely filled eye for her unseen dead father,
who when he isn't dead he is gone across the water.

My sister has always loved Shirley Temple movies