Before I went to bed, I wanted to share the poem I wrote for my father's funeral this morning. Tomorrow, after I've had a chance to sleep and recover a little bit, I will write something a little more coherent.
Saint Marty didn't realize how much he was going to miss his dad. Until today.
The Quiet Man
by: Martin Achatz
Last night, I dreamed my dad and John Wayne
were sitting around a campfire, eating
peaches out of a can. Stars thick as cattle herds
milled above them, and the prairie grass
hummed some sweet old song like "Red River Valley"
or "Shenandoah." I'm not sure if was heaven,
but my father was young and perfect, the hook
of his back as straight as a railroad spike.
Duke was young, too, the retired prizefighter
who chased Maureen O'Hara through the green
Galway countryside. There weren't any Nazis
crawling along the ground in ambush, no
Richard Boone-faced kidnappers, skin
leathery as buffalo jerky, trying to steal
their sleeping horses. I'm not sure
if you can smell in dreams, but I remember
smelling manure and smoke and something else.
Maybe the coming of rain. My dad and Duke
didn't talk, just forked golden crescents
into their mouths, looking as if they were eating
solar eclipse after solar eclipse. Their forks
made hollow cowbell noises in the dark.
When they were done, they tipped the cans
to their lips, drank the syrup inside
until it ran down their chins. I kept
waiting for something more to happen,
a runaway stagecoach to crash through
or a baby elephant nosing for hay.
Instead, my dad took a deck of cards
from his pocket, started dealing.
They played gin rummy, hand after hand.
My dad let John Wayne win, because he was
John Wayne and because that's what
my dad did every morning with my mother
for years and years. He did it because
it was a habit of love. Maybe that's the name
of this movie: Habit of Love. It starts out
simply enough. Two cards. Dealt face up.
The king and queen of hearts.
Poet...Musician...Thinker...Blogger...Teacher...Husband...Father...I'm not perfect, but I try!
Showing posts with label father. Show all posts
Showing posts with label father. Show all posts
Saturday, February 17, 2018
Friday, May 16, 2014
May 16: One Week Later
It's a strange place to be. One week after my brother's death. Life is supposed to be returning to normal. Back to work. Back to blogging. Back to church. No more tears. No more sadness.
I was at my parents' house this evening. I watched my father get into an argument with one of my sisters over the stupidest thing in the world. It got really heated and lasted for a few minutes. It ended with my father storming downstairs. I know he wasn't really pissed about the yarn sitting on the dining room table. He's pissed because he's just lost his 58-year-old son.
It's a strange place. An angry place. A sad and lonely place.
Saint Marty is in some stage of grief. Maybe the keep-your-hands-off-my-fucking-chocolate stage.
I was at my parents' house this evening. I watched my father get into an argument with one of my sisters over the stupidest thing in the world. It got really heated and lasted for a few minutes. It ended with my father storming downstairs. I know he wasn't really pissed about the yarn sitting on the dining room table. He's pissed because he's just lost his 58-year-old son.
It's a strange place. An angry place. A sad and lonely place.
Saint Marty is in some stage of grief. Maybe the keep-your-hands-off-my-fucking-chocolate stage.
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| I'm in here somewhere |
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
February 27: Father, Corporation Lawyer, Dad Worries
...My father's quite wealthy, though. I don't know how much he makes--he's never discussed that stuff with me--but I imagine quite a lot. He's a corporate lawyer. Those boys really haul it in. Another reason I know he's quite well off, he's always investing money in shows on Broadway. They always flop, though, and it drives my mother crazy when he does it....
Holden doesn't hold too high of an opinion about his father. He knows what his father does for a living, and he knows that he doesn't want to follow in his father's footsteps. He thinks all lawyers are only interested in making "a lot of dough," playing golf and bridge, buying cars, drinking Martinis, and looking "like a hot-shot." In short, Holden thinks his dad is a phony.
My worry this Wednesday is a worry that has plagued me since the birth of my daughter almost 13 years ago. I worry I'm not being a good father. It doesn't help that I'm reading this book called Courageous for my book club, and all it's about is being a good father. I'm not saying it's a good book. It's a novelization of a movie made by a bunch of right-wing, conservative Christians. I don't really buy into all the ideas being put forth in its pages. Lots of stuff about the man being the leader of the house, and women having to listen to them. Having been basically raised by five older sisters and a mother who could put the fear of God into any member of the Taliban, I can't really see the women in my life following me in the Charge of the Light Brigade, if you get my meaning. Plus, the writing in the book is bad.
One thing Courageous does manage is to make me feel incredibly guilty. See, all the guys in the book are workaholic cops whose families are falling apart. I've always felt guilty about the amount of time I spend at work. Take yesterday, for example. I left the house at 4:30 a.m., and I didn't return until 8:40 p.m. I didn't even see my son awake yesterday. On good days, I get about two hours of waking time with him before he goes to bed, and I get about three-and-a-half hours with my twelve-year-old daughter. And it's not quality time. It's me nagging my daughter to do her homework or practice her flute, forcing my son into the bathtub, making school lunches, and...Well, you get the idea. I'm the ogre of the house when I walk through the door.
I actually can live with that. But last night, when I picked my daughter up from her dance class, her instructor came up to me and said, "I'm just wondering if your daughter is planning to go to Green Bay for the competition." I actually felt my face flush with embarrassment. My daughter would love to go to this dance competition. All her friends are going to this competition. She is not going. I don't have the money for it. "No," I told her teacher, "we can't this year."
When we got to the car, I told my daughter I was sorry she couldn't go. "That's OK, Daddy," she said. "I don't mind."
That should have been it, but I've been in failure-father mode ever since. I can't shake it off. Here is a list of what is going through my head:
Saint Marty needs something happy to think about, like the sequestration cuts.
Holden doesn't hold too high of an opinion about his father. He knows what his father does for a living, and he knows that he doesn't want to follow in his father's footsteps. He thinks all lawyers are only interested in making "a lot of dough," playing golf and bridge, buying cars, drinking Martinis, and looking "like a hot-shot." In short, Holden thinks his dad is a phony.
My worry this Wednesday is a worry that has plagued me since the birth of my daughter almost 13 years ago. I worry I'm not being a good father. It doesn't help that I'm reading this book called Courageous for my book club, and all it's about is being a good father. I'm not saying it's a good book. It's a novelization of a movie made by a bunch of right-wing, conservative Christians. I don't really buy into all the ideas being put forth in its pages. Lots of stuff about the man being the leader of the house, and women having to listen to them. Having been basically raised by five older sisters and a mother who could put the fear of God into any member of the Taliban, I can't really see the women in my life following me in the Charge of the Light Brigade, if you get my meaning. Plus, the writing in the book is bad.
One thing Courageous does manage is to make me feel incredibly guilty. See, all the guys in the book are workaholic cops whose families are falling apart. I've always felt guilty about the amount of time I spend at work. Take yesterday, for example. I left the house at 4:30 a.m., and I didn't return until 8:40 p.m. I didn't even see my son awake yesterday. On good days, I get about two hours of waking time with him before he goes to bed, and I get about three-and-a-half hours with my twelve-year-old daughter. And it's not quality time. It's me nagging my daughter to do her homework or practice her flute, forcing my son into the bathtub, making school lunches, and...Well, you get the idea. I'm the ogre of the house when I walk through the door.
I actually can live with that. But last night, when I picked my daughter up from her dance class, her instructor came up to me and said, "I'm just wondering if your daughter is planning to go to Green Bay for the competition." I actually felt my face flush with embarrassment. My daughter would love to go to this dance competition. All her friends are going to this competition. She is not going. I don't have the money for it. "No," I told her teacher, "we can't this year."
When we got to the car, I told my daughter I was sorry she couldn't go. "That's OK, Daddy," she said. "I don't mind."
That should have been it, but I've been in failure-father mode ever since. I can't shake it off. Here is a list of what is going through my head:
- I spend so much time at work and away from home that my son in going to join the Crips when he's seven.
- I make so little money that my daughter is going to start doing lap dances in high school so she can afford the prom.
- The roof of my house is going to collapse, and we're going to have to live in an pre-Extreme Home Makeover home.
- My son is going to end up flunking out of Pencey Prep...Oh, wait. That's Holden. Never mind.
Saint Marty needs something happy to think about, like the sequestration cuts.
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| At least I don't have a mullet...any more |
Thursday, January 10, 2013
January 10: My Son
Four years ago, when the ultrasound tech told my wife and me that we were having a boy, I panicked. I am not your typical "guy." I can't stand football or basketball or hockey or baseball (basically, any organized sporting event). I don't hunt or fish, which, for a man living in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan, places me squarely in the brother from an alien mother category. In fact, if I'm being perfectly honest, I prefer the company of women. Spending two weeks at camp hunting deer with a group of unshaven, unbathed men is my idea of cruel and unusual punishment. Basically, I thought I was ill-equipped to be a father to a son.
This unease did not abate during my wife's pregnancy. In fact, by the time my son was born, I was actually praying he would turn out to be a gay dancer/writer/cook/fashion designer. At least we would have something to talk about. Of course, God has a sense of humor. He gave me a son who loves trucks and motorcycles and bugs and lizards. He gave me a son who told me a couple of days ago, "When I grow up, I want to be a football player and a fireman." He's four years old and already he's becoming a stereotype. At the very least, he could have said, "When I grow up, I want to be a football player and a fireman and host great Oscar night parties with all my artist friends."
My son has always seemed more attached to my wife than to me. That's normal, I think. My daughter is a daddy's girl, and my son is a mommy's boy. Before today, I'd sort of convinced myself that I was going to be this embarrassment of a father who sat in the bleachers reading the newest John Irving novel while his son scored touchdowns or made three-pointers.
Today, I visited my son's classroom. That might not sound like such a significant event. However, when my wife walked through the door of the classroom before me, my son smiled and clapped. When he saw me, he ran right past her and threw his arms around my legs. He kept saying "Daddy! Daddy!" like he hadn't seen me in months. Then he took me by the hand and led me around for the next hour or so. He showed me where he was sitting. He showed me his snack. He showed me where I should sit (right next to him). He tried to give me food. When it was circle time, he sat in my lap. And he kept rubbing my arm and face with his hands, giving me kisses, saying things like, "I so happy."
Maybe I'm going to be OK. Maybe all I have to do is tell my son I love him, hug him, and, occasionally, play cars and motorcycles with him. (I draw the line at fishing and hunting. That's up to his uncles.) And maybe my son will host an occasional Oscar night party to please the old man. Maybe, just maybe, he will be proud to have me as a father.
Saint Marty so happy.
This unease did not abate during my wife's pregnancy. In fact, by the time my son was born, I was actually praying he would turn out to be a gay dancer/writer/cook/fashion designer. At least we would have something to talk about. Of course, God has a sense of humor. He gave me a son who loves trucks and motorcycles and bugs and lizards. He gave me a son who told me a couple of days ago, "When I grow up, I want to be a football player and a fireman." He's four years old and already he's becoming a stereotype. At the very least, he could have said, "When I grow up, I want to be a football player and a fireman and host great Oscar night parties with all my artist friends."
My son has always seemed more attached to my wife than to me. That's normal, I think. My daughter is a daddy's girl, and my son is a mommy's boy. Before today, I'd sort of convinced myself that I was going to be this embarrassment of a father who sat in the bleachers reading the newest John Irving novel while his son scored touchdowns or made three-pointers.
Today, I visited my son's classroom. That might not sound like such a significant event. However, when my wife walked through the door of the classroom before me, my son smiled and clapped. When he saw me, he ran right past her and threw his arms around my legs. He kept saying "Daddy! Daddy!" like he hadn't seen me in months. Then he took me by the hand and led me around for the next hour or so. He showed me where he was sitting. He showed me his snack. He showed me where I should sit (right next to him). He tried to give me food. When it was circle time, he sat in my lap. And he kept rubbing my arm and face with his hands, giving me kisses, saying things like, "I so happy."
Maybe I'm going to be OK. Maybe all I have to do is tell my son I love him, hug him, and, occasionally, play cars and motorcycles with him. (I draw the line at fishing and hunting. That's up to his uncles.) And maybe my son will host an occasional Oscar night party to please the old man. Maybe, just maybe, he will be proud to have me as a father.
Saint Marty so happy.
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| Maybe my son won't need the bag |
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