May 30: New Way to Make Money

This post is going to sound totally frivolous and self-centered.

I don't care.

I have found a new way to make money.

You see, every once in a while, just for fun, I Google my name to see what comes up.  Usually, it's nothing exciting or surprising.  For example, I have discovered, doing this, that there is a man in Germany who has a Facebook account with my name.  I have also found that I died in the nineteenth century.  At least that's when the guy underneath the tombstone bearing my name died.  And, surprisingly, I have also discovered that I have no hotness factor on ratemyprofessors.com.  This fact really depresses me.

Well, today, when I Googled my name, I found some bookseller in, I believe, Texas trying to sell an autographed copy of my book of poems (The Mysteries of the Rosary, $10 on Amazon) for a little over $200.  That's a 2000% mark up.  My book, bearing my signature, is being hawked on the Internet for two grand!  Now, I don't know if the bookseller will obtain his asking price, but it does make me wonder how far I can push this.

I've heard that Cormac McCarthy never autographs his books.  I've also heard that he's got a whole bookshelf filled with autographed first editions of The Road in his home.  Sort of like a collectible college fund for his kid.  Every time his son needs to pay for a semester or two of classes, all he has to do is sell one of these copies of The Road.  McCarthy is a pretty smart cookie.  (He also, notoriously, doesn't give a crap about money.  That's one of the luxuries of being wealthy and/or famous.)

Here's my plan.  I've codenamed it Operation Cormac:

Step One:  I'm going to start an Internet rumor that I'm one of the most brilliant and reclusive poets living.  I've been trying to do this for several years, so this step will take a lot of elbow grease.  I'm thinking a Wikipedia page and some well-placed blog posts about my unnatural hygiene habits.  (Hey, it worked for J. D. Salinger!)

Step Two:  After step one is firmly under way, I start another Internet rumor that I've disappeared under mysterious circumstances, possibly the victim of some anti-poetry terrorist organization named the Prose Warriors.

Step Three:  I slowly start selling autographed copies of my book (The Mysteries of the Rosary, $10 on Amazon) at astronomical prices on eBay.  When I top $100,000 in book sales, I start peddling my old journals and papers from high school for even steeper amounts.

Step Four:  After becoming a multimillionaire, I start publishing new collections of poetry under the pseudonym Marty St. Martin until The New Yorker runs an investigative essay on what it calls the "Cult of Saint Marty," revealing my true identity.

Step Five:  I become a poetic legend, winning every literary prize that exists on the planet.

Saint Marty thinks Operation Cormac is foolproof.

Do I hear $2000?  $3000?  How about 25 cents?

December 27: Back to Work, Christmas Tie, No Eggs

Well, this morning I go back to work.  I always find it difficult to resume my job duties after a really long weekend.  I've had four days off.  It's going to be a few hours before I'm totally back in the game.  I'm going to feel like I'm one step behind all morning long.

It doesn't help that I forgot to bring eggs for my breakfast.  Without my eggs in the morning--a little runny with cheddar cheese--I tend to get all thrown off.  Remember, I'm the person who doesn't like change.  I need those eggs in order to keep the universe in its proper alignment.  Worlds are going to shift this a.m.

When I was getting dressed for work, I decided to wear one of my Christmas ties.  I don't know why.  I hardly ever wear ties to the office.  I guess I'm just not ready to let Christmas go yet.  And I'm sure that I'm going to be totally annoyed by the other workers in the office, so anything I can do to bolster my good spirits will help.  If I can just sustain that Christmas iPad glow, I'll be able to make it through the day without killing anybody.

I haven't got much else this morning.  Back to work.  No eggs.  Christmas tie.  I'm going to try to work on a poem today, but no promises.

Let me remind everyone about my 500th Post Contest.  Yesterday, I wrote post number 500 for my blog.  To commemorate the occasion, I'm running another contest.  The rules are pretty simple:

1. You must come up with a creative nickname for my new iPad. 
2. You must put your suggestion into a comment. 
3. You must do this by 12 noon on January 1. 
4. The winner of the contest will receive two items:  an autographed saint holy card and an autographed copy of my book of poems, The Mysteries of the Rosary.

Put on your thinking caps.  Be creative.  Be funny.  Be irreverent.  Be whatever you want.  I'm not against some good, old-fashioned sucking up, either.  If you ave problems posting a comment, try enabling third party cookies on your computer.  That usually does the trick.

Saint Marty is waiting to hear from you.

You know you want to win this...

December 26: Post Number 500

Yes, this post will be number 500.  It's hard to believe I've been blogging that long.  I should do something special to commemorate this moment.  Maybe some kind of contest.  Everybody loves free stuff, and I love hearing from my disciples.

Now, my contests, in the past, have not yielded too many entries.  In fact, my friend, Wonder Twin, has won both of my previous competitions.  My goal, then, is to get at least five people to enter my 500th Post Contest.  That shouldn't be too hard to accomplish.

Since I just received an iPad 2 for Christmas, I think will have a "Name My iPad" Contest.  That's right, I want you to tell me what nickname I should give my iPad.  Something that really reflects my personality.  I was just going to call it "St. Nick" since I got it on Christmas, but that's a little too obvious.  Then I thought about "App-ostle."  Get it?  That doesn't really work for me, either.  Therefore, I'm going to leave it to you guys and gals.

Don't disappoint me.  I don't want to end up with some lame nickname for my iPad 2.  Be creative.  Be wild.  Be clever.  If I choose your nickname, you will receive a Saint Holy Card, autographed by me, and I'll send you an autographed copy of my book of poems, The Mysteries of the Rosary.  If that isn't enough incentive, the winner will also be placed on the fast track for canonization and have a schnitzel dinner with Pope Benedict.  (OK, that was pushing it, I know.)

Put on your thinking caps, disciples.  I will give you until  noon on January 1, 2012, to send me your entries.  You have less than a week.  Put your suggestions in the comments section of the blog.  I will consider all reasonable responses.  I'll consider the unreasonable ones, as well.

Help Saint Marty name his iPad.

Taken with my iPad