Merton has an epiphany . . .
I had my thesis to type out, and a lot of books to read, and I was thinking
of preparing an article on Crashaw which perhaps I would send to T. S.
Eliot for his Criterion. I did not know that Criterion had printed its last
issue, and that Eliot’s reaction to the situation that so depressed me was to
fold up his magazine.
The days went on and the radios returned to their separate and individual
murmuring, not to be regimented back into their appalling shout for yet
another year. September, as I think, must have been more than half gone.
I borrowed Father Leahy’s life of Hopkins from the library. It was a rainy
day. I had been working in the library in the morning. I had gone to buy a
thirty-five-cent lunch at one of those little pious kitchens on Broadway—
the one where Professor Gerig, of the graduate school of French, sat daily in
silence with his ancient, ailing mother, over a very small table, eating his
Brussels sprouts. Later in the afternoon, perhaps about four, I would have to
go down to Central Park West and give a Latin lesson to a youth who was
sick in bed, and who ordinarily came to the tutoring school run by my
landlord, on the ground floor of the house where I lived.
I walked back to my room. The rain was falling gently on the empty
tennis courts across the street, and the huge old domed library stood
entrenched in its own dreary greyness, arching a cyclops eyebrow at South
Field.
I took up the book about Gerard Manley Hopkins. The chapter told of
Hopkins at Balliol, at Oxford. He was thinking of becoming a Catholic. He
was writing letters to Cardinal Newman (not yet a cardinal) about becoming
a Catholic.
All of a sudden, something began to stir within me, something began to
push me, to prompt me. It was a movement that spoke like a voice.
"What are you waiting for?” it said. “Why are you sitting here? Why do
you still hesitate? You know what you ought to do? Why don’t you do it?”
I stirred in the chair, I lit a cigarette, looked out the window at the rain,
tried to shut the voice up. “Don’t act on impulses,” I thought. “This is crazy.
This is not rational. Read your book.”
Hopkins was writing to Newman, at Birmingham, about his indecision.
“What are you waiting for?” said the voice within me again. “Why are
you sitting there? It is useless to hesitate any longer. Why don’t you get up
and go?”
I got up and walked restlessly around the room. “It’s absurd,” I thought.
“Anyway, Father Ford would not be there at this time of day. I would only
be wasting time.”
Hopkins had written to Newman, and Newman had replied to him, telling
him to come and see him at Birmingham.
Suddenly, I could bear it no longer. I put down the book, and got into my
raincoat, and started down the stairs. I went out into the street. I crossed
over, and walked along by the grey wooden fence, towards Broadway, in
the light rain.
And then everything inside me began to sing—to sing with peace, to sing
with strength, and to sing with conviction.
I had nine blocks to walk. Then I turned the corner of 121st Street, and
the brick church and presbytery were before me. I stood in the doorway and
rang the bell and waited.
When the maid opened the door, I said:
“May I see Father Ford, please?”
“But Father Ford is out.”
I thought: well, it is not a waste of time, anyway. And I asked when she
expected him back. I would come back later, I thought.
The maid closed the door. I stepped back into the street. And then I saw
Father Ford coming around the corner from Broadway. He approached,
with his head down, in a rapid, thoughtful walk. I went to meet him and
said:
“Father, may I speak to you about something?”
“Yes,” he said, looking up, surprised. “Yes, sure, come into the house.”
We sat in the little parlor by the door. And I said: “Father, I want to
become a Catholic.”
It's a profound moment of revelation for Merton. Everyone experiences times like this in their lives--where the fog lifts and the road forward becomes clear. While Merton has been toying with the notion of conversion for quite a while, he has never given voice to it--confessed it--before. He does so now to a Catholic priest. Even if he backslides, he can never unspeak these words. He will never be the same again.
It is New Years Eve. An evening that invites reflection and resolution. People take stock of the previous 365 days. Think about failures and successes, losses and joys. This year has been rife with struggles for everyone across the globe. Unless you are a resident of Antarctica, you have been somehow affected by COVID-19, directly or indirectly. Nobody on the planet will ever be the same again.
For the first seven months of this year, I worked in healthcare. I sat at hospital entrances, taking names and temperatures. Screening patients for symptoms. Answering phone calls from frightened family members. Worrying on a daily basis about carrying coronavirus home to my family.
Since March, my social circle has pretty much been limited to about three or four people--my wife, daughter, son, and daughter's boyfriend. That's it. My interaction with family members outside my household has been pretty much limited to six-foot distant conversations from doorways. An outside barbecue or two. One small birthday gathering.
Meanwhile, the citizens of my country were dealing with a leader who was becoming increasingly unhinged. Who claimed the pandemic was nothing worse than a normal flu season, and that the virus would simply vanish in warm weather. He criticized scientists and medical doctors, and encouraged people to defy the most basic of safety measures--facemasks and social distancing. The result? 344,000 deaths in the United States.
In addition, racial tensions spilled into the streets, and politics edged toward fascism and dictatorship.
And, for the last month of the year, I have been in quarantine with my family, with both of my kids contracting COVID-19. Tonight, on this night of looking forward and back, I give thanks that my daughter and son have recovered, and my wife and I tested negative.
During this month of isolation, I have been blessed so many times by the kindness of friends. Some dropped off groceries. Others brought dog treats. Dinners. Snacks. Cards in the mail. Text messages. It has been a lesson, for me, in the inherent goodness of people.
So, I sit here at the brink of 2021, counting some of the blessings of 2020:
- I started a new job that pays me to organize poetry readings and concerts and theatricals and fundraisers. This isn't work for me. It's earning money for dreaming.
- I got a beautiful new puppy that fills my house with love and laughter every day.
- My beautiful wife got a new job, as well.
- My beautiful daughter was promoted to a supervisor.
- My beautiful mother fell out of bed and broke her hip She had hip replacement and is currently a resident at a nursing home. She contracted COVID, but her symptoms remained mild, and she never lost her appetite or smile.
- My beautiful sister, Rose, who has Down Syndrome, ended up in the ICU with heart issues. She's on medication now, doing physical therapy. Home.
- I published some poems and started a podcast.
- I reconnected with a beautiful friend who lives downstate, and we have become writing buddies. Just last night, we Zoomed and drank and wrote. And drank some more.
I could go on. And on. There's a saying from the Book of Common Prayer: "In the midst of life, we are in death." For 2020, I think that the saying is a little different: "In the midst of death, we are in life." In the face of so much suffering and division, there have been miracles, as well. Things to celebrate. Yes, we lost Sean Connery this year. But Betty White is still alive and kickin'. Yes, my 12-year-old son ended up in the ER this fall because he was having ideas of self-harm. But tonight he's playing Family Feud and Taboo with us, laughing and joking.
As the clock counts down to the first hour of 2021, I celebrate all of the miracles of 2020. There have been many. Yes, a year from now, ten years from now, 25 years, the newspapers and history books will be filled stories of overrun hospitals, body counts, racial protests turning violent. Pictures of empty churches. Masked families. Angry, MAGA-hat wearing domestic terrorists.
Here is what Saint Marty will remember about this year: tonight, with his family. Everyone laughing. Healthy. Hopeful. Together.
